Stream of Consciousness

Somehow

Oddly enough, I’m having a really good day.

I’m in pain. A lot of pain. A new pain on top of my normal gut pain, head pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, aches, eye pain, jaw pain, brain fog, depression, and anxiety.

But I’m in a really good mood.

It’s almost as if I’ve stood back from my physical and mental pain – and can somehow enjoy simply being here.

I haven’t disassociated. I know what that feels like.

Maybe it’s that whole mindfulness stuff. 

 

But there’s a sadness to it. A bitter sweet tinge that I can’t actually taste. I know it’s there, but I don’t feel it. 

What is this sadness? This bittersweet sensation?

It’s reality.

 

I guess I tweeted it best, a few minutes ago. Just tweeted my thoughts without thinking about it.

(pity party alert) 2020 is destroying me. I had to quit my job due to health. Now I’m stressed about money. And to top it all off, I see fellow ASMaRtists getting so many subscribers in such a short amount of time. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years! Do I just suck?

I’m just so tired of none of my hard work paying off. Whether it’s my health, my writing, my ASMR channel… I work my butt into the ground to fix all of this, to grow, get better, and nothing is changing in a healthy direction.

It makes me so happy and raises my hope to see fellow writers and ASMaRtists succeeding. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it makes me wonder if I’m NOT succeeding because I don’t have anything to offer that people want. And my health issues just get worse, no matter what I try.

I don’t mean to complain, but writing & ASMR? These things are what make me happy. I put so much effort into them & my health gives me very little to work with. I HAVE to make money. But its looking more & more like my health won’t allow for both creativity & financial security.

Some days I wonder if I’ll be able to keep writing or doing ASMR. Why have a life if I can’t do anything with it that I enjoy? I want to thrive not just survive. But the problem is always money. Some days I feel like the game is rigged against me.

 

Today reality hurts, yes. But it can’t hurt me.

Somehow, I’m happy. Somehow, I’m okay.

It’s an odd distinction. I don’t know if I can even describe it entirely. 

Almost as if I’m looking at my life from a distance, even as I live it.

 

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Micro Stories

enchantment

“run away with me”

isn’t appealing to me

don’t whisper it in my ear

or dream up fanciful futures

in some far away land

 

no.

stay

spin a tail of our reality

so firm and heart breakingly beautiful

haunt my dreams

with seductions you can spin here

now, today

 

if you can’t spell a story

with what we’ve got

then you’re no fairy tale life

 

weave me a telling

better yet

entice yourself

create magic out of the ordinary

 

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Stream of Consciousness

New Goodies & a Word on Why I Create

Okay, so I updated my Patreon…

You can now get a dragon egg, made by yours truly! I’ll make whatever color you want. These are two that I’ve made so far. You’ll get it in the mail on the second month of being my patron (it takes a while to make).

*BOOM* 

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I’m really proud of this, because… I’m a creator. And now if you become my patron, you can get something I created. I don’t know, I may be overreacting, but I’m just happy that I can MAKE and send you something.

It’s not the only thing you can get from me in the mail. In a different tier, I’ll write and mail to you a handwritten letter, every month. (But there’s only 10 of those available because I want to be able to give each letter my full attention each month.) I really love handwritten notes, which is what gave me the idea.

But I think the best bang for your buck is the one where you get access to my Patreon feed. There’s A LOT of extras there and it’s only $5 a month.

Okay, I’m done squeeing over my own stuff. LOL I’m just excited to have more to offer to possible patrons. I want people to feel like they’re getting something out of it. Plus I just want to show my appreciation. (I 100% do NOT offer sexual content though.)

 

So yeah. If you want exclusive content & to help this now jobless creator keep creating, please consider becoming my patron by clicking here: 

patreon.com/daphneshadows

 

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If being my patron isn’t something you can afford (which I TOTALLY understand), I want you to know I still love interacting with you, regardless. I do this because I love it and I want to spread stuff that makes people feel good.

Seriously. I create because it’s who I am. I enjoy it. I need it. I crave it. And I think most creators create because we just want to spread joy and hope and talk about all the ugliness and beauty in this world in a way that helps or challenges abusive behaviors or ways of thinking and celebrates the gorgeousness in us all. I just want to be who I am and help at the same time.

Shadow Poetry · Stream of Consciousness

You

In the dead of night

The nights I sling shot through sleep and not

Blurry eyed and drowning in the mess of wakefulness

Sometimes

I wonder

Do you think of me?

 

I lie at the bottom of a volcano

Liquid heat meshing through my chest

Dripping from my finger tips

Thick walls at my every side

Cocooning me into neither here nor there

And a whisper of curiosity grips me

A lacy shudder flooding my system

 

Do you wake

In the dead of night

Wondering about me?

 

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Stream of Consciousness

Getting Back to Normal… But I Feel Off

Hi.

Okay, so, I’m still alive.

I was gone there for quite a bit. And I didn’t like it.

It’s funny to me how different social media outlets affect me differently.

Leaving Twitter? 90% didn’t bother me. There were a few people I missed keeping up with but all the political and bullying and drama garbage was not something I missed. Overall though, the good I find on Twitter outweighs the bad (because what you search for, you will find. and i search for awesome, kind people) and so I’m back now that I’m feeling better.

Leaving blogging? 80% didn’t like. I missed expressing myself creatively, which always clears up for me what I’m feeling. I seem to struggle with knowing who I am and what I feel, a lot, so creative expression is important for me. And that’s what blogging has morphed into for me. Not to mention keeping up with awesome peoples who I’ve connected with here.

Leaving YouTube? 80% didn’t like. So, doing YouTube videos is by far the hardest, most in depth, time taking, and money using endeavor I do. It takes a lot. And for a while, it was nice not having to get everything set up and put together and pray that my neighbors wouldn’t start being noisy.

Doing videos has actually become kind of stressful. It’s hard to spend the time in half of a bedroom setting a whole bunch of equipment up, while not tripping over cords or waking anyone up. And then hoping that all my neighbors will be silents. Not to mention hoping I got enough sleep to be alive enough to record early enough.

So I was surprised I missed doing videos so much. I really do enjoy creating ASMR videos and it frustrates me to find that the things I can’t control (noise, nowhere to film, not having a set place to film where my setup can remain, etc.) really mess with my enjoyment of it.

I mean, that’s not even talking about all the daily stuff I wanted to do that I had to leave sitting on the back burner.

Because I was in bed.

Or on the couch.

Doing nothing except being sick and wishing I felt better.

 

And getting back to things? Is odd. I feel frustrated, agitated. Like my day can’t line up smooth. I’m all out of sorts and on edge and unsure of what’s so off.

I filmed a video today and I didn’t really enjoy it. It was just me catching up with all my YouTube viewers and I just felt off. I sit here typing as its uploading as a solidified, edited video and I don’t know if I like it.

I just feel… out of sync. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

What do you do when you feel like this?

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Shadow Poetry

can’t be

brokenness hurts

and i can’t seem to erase it

from my bones

 

i scrub and scrape

and beg and cry

but i’m still broken

 

still living in a graveyard

trying to dig my way out

of my own coffin

 

i don’t want to be here

don’t want to bleed tears

i wish my heart didn’t hurt

 

to be honest

some days i wish i was just numb

truly numb

 

no pain, no misery

but i know that’s not realistic

i just wish my heart didn’t hurt

 

i bought new skin

i painted my face

took all the classes

sat in all the circles

prayed to the heavens

read all the books

tried all the meds

sat in silence

 

but nobody heard me

no answers came

and i couldn’t heal me, either

i guess

 

but all this pain

can’t be it

brokenness can’t be my fate

 

so i’ve braved the weather

the cold and the hate

to find this tiny flower

outside the walls of my tomb

 

i’ll leave it in a jar

and pray it stays alive

because my life cannot be

just the need to survive.

 

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