Do you ever feel like a marionette?
The daily to-do’s and responsibilities as your strings?
Only they’re made of steel. Filling up your eyesight and jerking you from here to there. Yet leaving you oddly hollow, skin tight, eyes forcing themselves to stay open through what begins to feel like a meaningless shuffle for a cardboard crowd.
That’s how I feel today.
Tired.
Pointless.
Where’s the joy for life? The promise of something better?
Some days I feel like no matter how hard I try to climb my way out of this revolving door – I’m still here.
Still fighting.
For more.
Something better.
What to do?
I mean, we have so many options.
We could always give up, give in. Let depression bury us in a myriad of distractions, mind-numbing things we do because it’s what we always do and we’re just so tired and change is hard.
We could let anger turn into bitter resentments. Become a nasty human who only spreads misery, always has a reason to martyr themselves or explain why they’re not responsible or how it’s someone else’s fault.
We could go the illegal route. Hurt or exploit others for money.
We could slap on a fake smile and pretend everything is just dandy while inside we slip further and further into oblivion. Lying to ourselves.
Or we could keep fighting.
Hoping.
Trying.
Looking for the positivity.
Doing what we can.
Enjoying the little things.
The little successes.
Keep finding a reason.
You see, I think we search too much for the meaning of life.
We’re here. I think that’s all the proof or validation that we need.
I think the point is to live our own life as best we can, treating ourselves with dignity and love, and then trying to help others.
I think our purposes can change as we do. But if we’re not really living life, then we’re not living up to our potential.
Enjoying life is easier said than done.
I’m still depressed, sitting on the couch, wondering why I bother to write, since I haven’t finished a novel I like yet and haven’t been published yet and simply lack for direction in my life.
But it’s a low day for me. I recognize that. Yesterday was a great day. And the day before that. I’m going to exercise in less than an hour from now and I know that always elevates my mood. I still feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel, though.
The reason I’m telling you this is, I think we can feel so stuck, so miserable, and fight for so long – that it feels like nothing will ever change. That we’ll never fight our way to the top of our own struggles.
But we will.
We already have.
What was so hard to you three years ago that felt like it would never end? Something you’ve conquered?
We’re stronger than we think.
We’re allowed to feel tired and depressed and sick of always having to fight for what seems to come easily to others.
We just can’t let that keep us from living and enjoying our own lives in whatever healthy ways we can.
Everything is easier said than done.
There are days where we question the point of our existence. But I have a better question.
What’s the point of giving up?
