No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.
When someone asks me where I’m at in my life, I’m afraid to answer. Afraid of what they’ll think of me, afraid of how they’ll judge me. Afraid that they’ll see me going nowhere, even if I know where I’m headed.
I’ve finally decided. I’m done fearing what others will decide about me. What others will judge, assume, or think of me based on what I’m NOT doing with my life.
Over the past couple of days I’ve come to a conclusion. I am in my Chrysalis. Metaphorically speaking of course, I don’t moonlight as a caterpillar. Or larva. Yick.
In a few years, when I’ve made it where I’m heading, I’ll know I made the right decisions and that the mistakes I made were ones I needed. Experiences I gathered were required.
But what about right now? Larva isn’t that pretty and neither is a caterpillar. A chrysalis is a hard layer of skin and some silk. Not all that appeasing to the eyes. My choices and decisions don’t look all that beautiful right now, not to most people anyway. They expect me to go to be in college, have a job.
I’m twenty years old, turning twenty-one this year. I’m not in college. Honestly, I don’t have the money. Also in all honesty, I don’t see any reason in it right now. I don’t have the time. My mother – because yes, I’m living at home still – is going through a divorce. She doesn’t have a job. Not for lack of trying on her part, but she needs school. So guess what? She’s in school.
My sister and brother – they’re in 4th and 6th grade.
My family needs me. And I can bloody say that without feeling pompous any longer!
Me? I’m in a silky and thick skinned wrap of chrysalis-ness. Mind you – this thick skin doesn’t block out the negative that people have been throwing at me. It’s only metaphorical for me going through a metamorphosis. Not a shield.
No, I’m not a mutant, half bug, half human chick with superpowers. But I am changing. I’ve taken a lot of crap and told myself that I had to. I’ve let others make me feel worthless. I was a mouse in my own house, hiding because I couldn’t be me. Because standing up for who I was only got others yelled at. So the layers of me got shoved down further and further until when finally, things changed and we were on our own, I didn’t know how to be me.
I’m figuring that out right now. I’m finding me. So I guess, technically, yeah, I’m a gross caterpillar inside a chrysalis. Still beats being a larva if you ask me though. *bleh* (This reminds me of the one time I ate larva. I was eating tuna on crackers and something started wiggling around. In my mouth. Not a happy day.)
I’m working on my writing – and I don’t want to hear anyone giving me grief over it. I KNOW it’s not an easy career choice, not easy to break into. But I don’t have a single doubt that I’ll get published and succeed. I’m not ignorant – I know I’ll need another job. I’m working on that. But I need to find a job that I can do. One that won’t make me miserable.
Writing is my passion. I love it and it’s always been a part of me. I’ll find work, something I enjoy. And when my mom’s found her feet, I’ll have found my footing as well by then.
Have you ever seen “Failure to Launch”? That’s NOT me. Never going to BE me. I need my independence. I crave it. And I need to prove to myself that I can make it on my own before I get into a relationship. So don’t go thinking that I’m leaching off my mom.
I’m going to make mistakes, just as I’ve made mistakes with my writing. I had to write that first novel to know how ignorant I was. I had to stand up for myself before I could realize I should have been doing so the whole time. And I had to be okay with me, before I could expect anyone to hear truth in these words.
I’m going to make my OWN choices and they’re going to be the right ones for ME. How this is all going to work out, I’m not sure exactly – no one ever does with life.
Do you think that caterpillar knows it’s going to emerge a butterfly before it slides into its chrysalis?
But – breaking the rules – I don’t want to emerge a butterfly.
Instead – I want to emerge a dragonfly.
There’s a specific reason behind this. So… you’re all in for more research. Once I’m done with my 4 Tricksters, I’m going to tell you why I’d rather emerge a dragonfly.
I’m the one that has to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to.
– Jimi Hendrix
I’m not naïve. I’ll find my way in life. And I will succeed. But I’m going to do it on MY terms, and in my own way. And I’m not going to ask for permission to be myself anymore.