Stream of Consciousness

New Spin on Forgiveness and Love: Victim Shaming

“Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice.”

– Unknown


Forgiveness is an interesting topic to me.

Much of my life, forgiveness has been a patsy for negative, addicted, controlling, and manipulative people.

It made everything a person could ever do, okay.

And now, I read articles, hear people talk about, and see media portray, forgiveness in the same way.

And it pisses me off.


rose on the book


Forgiveness, according to a majority of the media, is thusly:

Forgive everyone for harming you in any way, then love them enough to allow them back into your life. Forgive and forget, wiping your brain of the memory of what they did. Remain naïve, trust them. Allow them to harm you again. Forgive them – rinse and repeat.




No. That is not what forgiveness is. And not only does this change the healing of “forgiveness” into something insidious and disgusting, but it also drags love in there.

Along this line of reasoning, love is defined thusly:

If you love someone, it doesn’t matter what they do or say, cause, or believe. You love them. That means anything goes and if you ever feel an emotion of misgiving, shove it.


Again, no.


People are turning “love” and “forgiveness” into a form of Victim Shaming.

Once again making everything negative, abusive, or harmful in any way – the victim’s fault. And they should just take it and be quiet.

Or they’re a bad person. Or a bad Christian. Or a bad mother, bad lover, bad father, bad human being.

Of course this is all done with extreme subtly and manipulation, leaving the person clueless to how badly those around them are stripping the term forgiveness of any real substance. But once you take a good look, it’s all saying the same thing.

“I should be able to do whatever I want, however often I want, and you should keep letting me do it, while smiling and loving me.”






Forgiveness is not a patsy for the abusive.

Forgiveness is letting go. Taking all the gunk of anger, resentment, and bitterness and getting rid of it. Not allowing it to hold you down any longer. Forgiving someone for something they’ve done wrong to you in the past.


Forgiving someone does not mean that what they did is okay. It is not okay. But let it go. Learn the lesson, let go of the anger, and move forward.

Forgive but do not forget.

Forgive but protect yourself. Make your boundaries.

Let the past go, but remember that it is your responsibility to make good decisions and see to it that you don’t allow others to hurt you in the future.

You are not alive to be used.

You are worthy of love, respect, and happiness.



“Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice.”

– Unknown

15 thoughts on “New Spin on Forgiveness and Love: Victim Shaming

  1. I really love your post here. So often people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation, or with outright denial that there was ever a problem in the first place. Forgiveness to me means giving myself permission to move on, and reconciliation is not a given. I don’t believe that you help a hurtful situation by letting the other person continue to harm you. Thank you for your heartfelt post.

    1. “or with outright denial that there was ever a problem in the first place”

      You know, that was one of my biggest issues when I first started looking at forgiveness. Everywhere I was getting information, people made it out that I needed that person back in my life hurting me for me to be a good person.
      Just wasn’t working for me.
      And thank you. 🙂 Its a hard topic to talk about.

  2. Tell it sista ! Good post and well needed in this day and time. Often people do not question the media. It is not like one has a forum to do so and in some cases can get you in a lot of legal tangling (even if the media don’t win, it will cost you dearly). We are not sheep.

  3. Long time daphene… You are making a point very strongly, that forgiveness is really a favour to yourself rather than the other person; if your act of forgiving has a reformative effect on the other person, the it serves the desired dual purpose. This duality may or may not happen; but what matters by the act of forgiving is that you are allowing the hurt to roll off yourself like water off a duck’s back and moving on…best wishes… Raj.

    1. That is exactly the point no one seems to remember when teaching forgiveness to people.
      Its awesome to find that there ARE people aware of this. Thank you! 😀
      And I love the water/duck metaphor.

  4. Well said, Daphne. And may I add that one cannot forgive until one has acknowledged and expressed one’s anger (not necessarily to the person who caused the anger, but to someone). Suppressing anger in the name of forgiveness is not healthy.

    1. Thank you. 🙂
      Ooooh, that one’s hard for me. I have to allow myself to feel the anger. I’m big on “if you feel angry daphne, then you’re a bad person”. (and yet, i don’t treat others like that) Needing the anger in order to be able to forgive is a new idea for me.

      1. You are not alone, my dear. Many people in our society have trouble with their anger. We need to work on teaching children how to deal with it in a healthy way, not just suppress it. Suppression tends to lead to either depression or eruption eventually.

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