I get overwhelmed.

Overstimulated.

 

Then I lose myself.

To a jumble of masquerading shades and low vibrational, angry, shouts and growls clawing at me from the inside out until I can barely remember how to breathe.

I hide inside myself before my brain even realizes what’s going on.

It’s a habit.

 

It helps the pain win.

Pushes along the absurd idea that this is never going to end. I will never find a way out.

I will never be good enough.

Strong enough.

 

It’s a bad habit.

A learned behavior.

Conditioned behavior.

A symptom.

Side effect.

Take your pick.

 

This isn’t always the ‘why’ behind me going quiet.

This time it was.