I’m Not Waiting Any Longer

And I sit there on the floor

Legs not crossed like a lady

But crossed like I’m four again

Sitting at school on the carpet

Waiting for the teacher to explain.

 

Okay, I’m ready.

For you to let down your wisdom

Breathe the secret into my ear

Pull back the curtain

Ignite the barren emptiness

Of not knowing

 

Only

I sit there, on the floor

Waiting

Rubbernecking like nobody’s business

Wholeheartedly believing

Now I’ll understand

Now it’ll all make sense

I’ll get it

Understand

I’ll know what this life is all about

What I’ve been missing

 

I’ve lived into my how-to manual

People will come rushing through the terminals

Hard earned years of enlightenment

They’ll bustle in their hurried fever

Of needing to get on with their lives

Because they have so much to live

What, with all that understanding

Due to age…

 

Only

I sit there, on the floor

Realizing the room is empty

It’s a stage with polished floors

And vaulted ceilings

Rows and rows of chairs

The nice cushy ones you might’ve fought your grandpa for

When you were four years old

 

I look around and see

The lights are off

I’m the only one on the stage

The crowd is empty

Those nice soft seats, void of any life

Any know-how to impart

 

That’s the first lesson I really learned

About everyone else,

Outside of my skin.

It didn’t knock off any innocence

I wasn’t shiny or brand new by then

That got rubbed off before I could speak

But I’d kept some silly hope that when you said

“When you’re older you’ll understand”

…that you spoke the truth.

 

You did not.

The truth is

No one knows.

 

I found this out, sitting cross-legged

Like a child

Vibrating with enthusiasm

And excitement

Ready to warm my hands

At the fire of everyone’s experience

 

With the heat of age

That’d crept into my body

That everyone told me, made me

Better, somehow

Like numbers of lived life

Ups your worth in some cosmic game

And so you earn more lives

And redeemable information to trade

For a bunch of useless tasks, you performed…because….

 

Still sitting on an empty floor

Holding a ticket that leads nowhere.

 

By Daphne Shadows

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Photo is property of Daphne Shadows

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Technology Really Sucks Sometimes

 

 

 

Not to mention that I cannot utilize this blog very easily now. I don’t even know how to work it on my tablet really.

My laptop has been glitchy for about three months now but it’s finally stopped being useful in the least.

😑😡😭😖

So I just went through a particularly painful move, started a new part-time job, my health is giving me Hell, and I’m not sleeping.

And now my laptop died.

😑

Oh, and not to mention that I can no longer look forward to monetizing my YouTube channel in hopes of making a few extra bucks monthly to fund my creative endeavors. Because instead of needing 10,000 overall views on my videos, I need 1,000 subscribers to my channel. 

I just started the channel a few months ago so obviously, I don’t have anywhere near that many subscribers. Which means no money for soundproofing, a camera, or lighting.

And now I need a bloody computer.

 

*pulls hair out*

 

All of my monies from my new part-time job will be going to my health and my dog. So this is a problem.

I love blogging and doing YouTube videos. I love connecting with you and learning all of these amazing things and giving what I have to offer in hopes of sharing, inspiring, or helping with anxiety through ASMR weirdness and other oddities that I have to give.

I have missed being able to check in and blog, youtube, and tweet the past few weeks while all the moving went on. And now this.

I miss you.

*hugs*

 

I also just recently got back into writing by committing to a story that I release by the chapter on my YouTube channel. It was really getting me excited to write again, keeping me going. It was also filling me with healthy coping mechanisms instead of me eating foods my digestive disease doesn’t approve of (which is like all foods ever).

 

Oh, and I deleted my Patreon account. I just don’t feel comfortable with offering some creativity to people willing to pay for extras that I don’t share with everyone. So everything is going to all of you. No more patreon.

 

With all of this, I ask if you’d like to help me out. There are two ways you can do this.

One, you could throw monies at me at my PayPal account.
https://paypal.me/daphneshadows?locale.x=en_US

Two, you could throw awesomeness at me here or on twitter. Quotes, uplifting messages, gifs, stories of how you’ve kicked butt, places I could ask for donations, photos of animals, anything positive.

I know you have awesome experiences and have won a lot of battles. I feel weird asking, but, cheer me up? Please?

 

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Vulnerability

We are told not to show ourselves as vulnerable because it might make us easier targets. Easier to hurt, manipulate, catfish.
Oh well.
We are all already vulnerable.
The only other option is to close ourselves off and experience nothing joyful, connected, or worth living for.

Vulnerability is the only way we can truly enjoy our lives or become anyone worth becoming. Not to mention the only way to feel satisfied in life and our relationships.

We’re going to get hurt whether we’re allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable or not.

Emotionless is not how I want to live. Vulnerable sucks. I’m only kinda good at letting myself be vulnerable. But it’s worth it.

 

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