Oddly enough, I’m having a really good day.
I’m in pain. A lot of pain. A new pain on top of my normal gut pain, head pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, aches, eye pain, jaw pain, brain fog, depression, and anxiety.
But I’m in a really good mood.
It’s almost as if I’ve stood back from my physical and mental pain – and can somehow enjoy simply being here.
I haven’t disassociated. I know what that feels like.
Maybe it’s that whole mindfulness stuff.
But there’s a sadness to it. A bitter sweet tinge that I can’t actually taste. I know it’s there, but I don’t feel it.
What is this sadness? This bittersweet sensation?
I guess I tweeted it best, a few minutes ago. Just tweeted my thoughts without thinking about it.
(pity party alert) 2020 is destroying me. I had to quit my job due to health. Now I’m stressed about money. And to top it all off, I see fellow ASMaRtists getting so many subscribers in such a short amount of time. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years! Do I just suck?
I’m just so tired of none of my hard work paying off. Whether it’s my health, my writing, my ASMR channel… I work my butt into the ground to fix all of this, to grow, get better, and nothing is changing in a healthy direction.
It makes me so happy and raises my hope to see fellow writers and ASMaRtists succeeding. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it makes me wonder if I’m NOT succeeding because I don’t have anything to offer that people want. And my health issues just get worse, no matter what I try.
I don’t mean to complain, but writing & ASMR? These things are what make me happy. I put so much effort into them & my health gives me very little to work with. I HAVE to make money. But its looking more & more like my health won’t allow for both creativity & financial security.
Some days I wonder if I’ll be able to keep writing or doing ASMR. Why have a life if I can’t do anything with it that I enjoy? I want to thrive not just survive. But the problem is always money. Some days I feel like the game is rigged against me.
Today reality hurts, yes. But it can’t hurt me.
Somehow, I’m happy. Somehow, I’m okay.
It’s an odd distinction. I don’t know if I can even describe it entirely.
Almost as if I’m looking at my life from a distance, even as I live it.