Stream of Consciousness

Right Now Hurts

I was going to do a different post today, but dang. Today hurts.

Life is hard.

Give yourself more credit.

And when you mess up, because you WILL mess up, don’t hurt yourself more by hating on yourself.


I struggle with food, a lot.

I have a digestive disease that leaves me with only brown rice, grapes, strawberries, cauliflower, zucchini, avocado, chicken broth, and eggs to eat. Everything else will not digest properly and I end up in so much pain that I can’t function.

What’s the one thing trainers and nutritionists both agree with? Don’t go on an insanely restrictive diet, you won’t be able to sustain (stick to) it.

Well, they’re absolutely right.

So I break and eat things I shouldn’t.

And guess what happens then? Regardless of calories, I gain weight because my body can’t digest the food properly.

It’s been 7 years of this and I’m breaking. And it’s not the physical pain that get’s me.


I’ve gained 20 pounds and it hurts. Emotionally. I’ve dealt with a lot of abuse and chronic health issues and inability to do what I desire because of both, since a child. But this? Weight gain? I’d have to say it’s in the top 3 most painful things I’ve ever experienced.

Only, this pain attacks my identity, my sense of self, my self worth. Constantly. I don’t know how people handle it.

I’ve been in so much pain because of restless leg syndrome that I’ve honestly considered finding ways to knock myself unconscious. I’ve hallucinated because of lack of sleep due to this syndrome. It’s insane. I feel crazy. Picture the crazy Hollywood person in a white padded cell, pulling out their hair and slamming their head into the wall. That’s how RLS makes me feel.

If I had the choice to get rid of ONE thing? I’d choose the extra weight. I’d keep the migraines, I’d keep the nausea, I’d keep the bipolar depression which I can’t be medicated for, I’d keep the inability to run (the only time I used to feel free), the lack of sleep, the chest pain, I’d keep all my other health issues.

If I could get rid of the weight.


So, today or tonight, whenever you read this, if you’re struggling, I’d like you to know that you are strong. Even when you feel the absolute weakest. You can get through whatever you’re facing.

Tomorrow is a new day. Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn’t make us bad, evil, less than good enough, or gross. It makes us human.

And one thing humans have in common as a species? We adapt, we figure a way out, we survive, we overcome.

Stream of Consciousness

Figure It Out

How to enjoy your NOW.

Don’t fall into the trap of…. when I achieve ________, then I will be happy. Or… when I get _________, then I will be good enough.

Because it is. A trap.

We constantly place our happiness on things, people, goals, and/or… well, fill in the blank.


If we aren’t happy with who we are, we won’t be happy with anything we achieve. If we don’t already believe we’re good enough, nothing we do will ever make us feel good enough.

We’ve been talking so much lately as a society, about loving our bodies and where we are in life, what we have, what we can do, etc.

But none of this is going to work if we don’t like ourselves.


If you want to have happiness, you need to know how to love your life now. The only way you’re ever going to love anything about your life, is if you love yourself (to a healthy degree).

So instead of setting your sights on that goal or that weight… begin with you.


What makes you strong?

What have you struggled with and fought your way through?

What have you survived?


Looking inward with honesty is not exactly the easiest thing. Sometimes its extremely uncomfortable. But you owe it to yourself to treat yourself with dignity, respect, and love.


(this completely excludes people in abusive situations where they have no way out. different conversation entirely. i’m not telling anyone to enjoy abuse.)

Stream of Consciousness

Random Introspections

Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. – Zen proverb

No mud, no lotus. -Thich Nhat Hanh

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha


These three quotes intertwine, for me.

Lotus flowers grow in the nastiness of mud and then have to crawl their way to the surface to blossom into the beautiful flowers we know them as.


The past is said and done. It’s gone and has zero hold on who you can become or what you can do. Yet, simultaneously, the past has everything to do with who we are right now and how we perceive everything, including our options and selves. Also, how we use our past changes everything for us.

That first quote… It has many meanings. But for me, I haven’t figured something out yet. Something I just can’t put into words.


Words are important.

What are some quotes that really resonate with you?

Stream of Consciousness

Rid



What’s in your atmosphere?

Are there things in your home, your nest, your safe place, that you hold negative associations with?

Are there clothes or objects that you have a negative, upsetting, or painful story about?

Rid yourself of things in your physical environment that drag you down.

If it brings unhealthy emotions of guilt, shame, bitterness… get rid of it.

Our physical space, the one in which we live, is important.


There’s enough pain in daily life to be dealt with. Don’t add more in the one place that should serve as your physical and emotional fortress – home.


Stream of Consciousness

One Little Thing

What is the last little thing that brought you joy?

How did it feel? Where did you feel it in your body?


What’s something recent and small you did for yourself that brought you joy?

How did you feel it? Where?


What’s something small you can do for someone else to bring them joy?

Something you can enjoy creating, doing, or setting up?


Stream of Consciousness

Liminal Spaces

What in between are you existing within?

What stands between who you currently are and who you want to become?

Pick one thing.

Just one.

How can you become that, learn that, integrate that- today?


Choose ONE baby step. And this bit is important. BABY STEP.

You cannot climb an entire mountain in one giant leap. You’re not a superhero. None of us are.

Every process toward a goal is just that. A process.

Micro goals. Attach your success and happiness to micro goals throughout each day. Build yourself upon success upon success.


Who we are is not written in stone.

We have the power to change ourselves today. It sounds silly but it’s realistic.

Baby steps. One at a time.


Stream of Consciousness

Feeding From Empty

It’s not possible.

A crop is only as good as the integrity of each individual spear of corn.

If you’re not taking care of yourself, if you’re not making time for yourself, if you’re not paying ATTENTION to yourself, you CANNOT feed someone else anything of worth.

You can’t give love if all you’re filled with is self-hate or denial. You will give a sad imitation, all the while resentment, fatigue, envy, and bitterness will grow within you.

You deserve to treat yourself like YOU MATTER.

And the world needs you to show up as your best self.

We need you. And we can only have you AFTER you recognize that you need you, and act on it.

Stream of Consciousness

What If It’s a Lie?

You’re fat.

You’re ugly.

You’re stupid.

Not good enough.

Not strong enough.

Too lazy.

Too slow.

You’re unlovable.

Too damaged.

Unwanted.


WHAT IF this is a lie?

Challenge your thinking.

Especially once the holiday season trickles around, I hope you challenge the thoughts you’re feeding yourself.

What is the OPPOSITE that might be true, instead?


A lot of people tend to roll their eyes at positive self talk.

But what’s going on in your head, every day and night, 24/7? YOU are your closest relationship throughout your entire life. Are you abusing yourself?

Try searching for positive things that could be possible. Most likely, they are.


Our brains don’t know the difference. So when you keep telling yourself that you’re ugly, you’ll never lose weight, never get that dream job, never be strong or good enough… your brain is listening. And it’s really good at it’s job. It then goes about searching for things outside of you, to prove, to back up the claims you’re making.

Kind of like information bias.

So, what are you feeding your brain?

Constant self talk about how terrible and powerless you are? Because if so… why not try asking yourself what positive things could be true, instead?

Instead of, you know, berating yourself for not having perfect positive self talk. *wink*

You can always rig the game to work in your favor. Best way to do that? Start with how YOU treat YOU.