there’s a reason
i know there is
but it left me
took flight while i slept
the morning dew
couldn’t break my fall
maybe there wasn’t a reason, after all
Category: Shadow Poetry
You
In the dead of night
The nights I sling shot through sleep and not
Blurry eyed and drowning in the mess of wakefulness
Sometimes
I wonder
Do you think of me?
I lie at the bottom of a volcano
Liquid heat meshing through my chest
Dripping from my finger tips
Thick walls at my every side
Cocooning me into neither here nor there
And a whisper of curiosity grips me
A lacy shudder flooding my system
Do you wake
In the dead of night
Wondering about me?
can’t be
brokenness hurts
and i can’t seem to erase it
from my bones
i scrub and scrape
and beg and cry
but i’m still broken
still living in a graveyard
trying to dig my way out
of my own coffin
i don’t want to be here
don’t want to bleed tears
i wish my heart didn’t hurt
to be honest
some days i wish i was just numb
truly numb
no pain, no misery
but i know that’s not realistic
i just wish my heart didn’t hurt
i bought new skin
i painted my face
took all the classes
sat in all the circles
prayed to the heavens
read all the books
tried all the meds
sat in silence
but nobody heard me
no answers came
and i couldn’t heal me, either
i guess
but all this pain
can’t be it
brokenness can’t be my fate
so i’ve braved the weather
the cold and the hate
to find this tiny flower
outside the walls of my tomb
i’ll leave it in a jar
and pray it stays alive
because my life cannot be
just the need to survive.
memories
out of the darkness, they came
like lightning bolts of flame
we ran and ran, but lost our grip
beware, beware, that gradual slip
take one wrong turn, my dear
that’s all it takes, out there, in here
its not a choice, not conscious, at least
choose today, to ruin or feast
behind the door
where there’s a little magic
there’s a little more
and if you can find a single reason
you can find it behind a door
like a butterfly’s wing –
you can’t touch it
but if you keep looking
you’ll find a key to fit
it isn’t made of gold or glowing
but if you listen ever so closely
it will speak into your fear
in wails and whispers, mostly
but beware, listen carefully
and start at step one
or one day you’ll wake up
questioning what you’ve done
in a place you don’t know
with more questions than one
like, where is all your skin
and why are you holding a gun?
i’m rather raw
i’m learning and falling down and getting bruised on my way back up
but it’s okay for me to be naive
because i know i’m naive
and i’m just trying to find a way to live
without compromising my soul
without snuffing out another’s flame
without breaking to a point that i can’t put myself back together
i’m trying and i’m trying out new things
it’s extraordinarily uncomfortable and sometimes i can’t breathe
don’t want to breathe
too afraid to move
because i might have to notice how i truly feel
but i’m not staying down
or staying under the covers
because monsters live inside the places that i thought were safe
Daphne Shadows
someday feels a long way away
you breathed life into me
promptly took it away
trapped in an animated
lights on, state of decay
i’m floundering here
struggling to be just okay
trying to breathe, to stand
but struggling i stay
you built choice into what i am
promptly took it away
the only decisions i still make
what scraps to wear, what to say
my tongue turns to lead nightly
sets on fire in the day
my soul is losing lighting
from trying to survive this way
i’m terrified you’ll take more
that’s your pattern: take away
i want the chance to breathe freely
to wake up and live one day
i gather up bits of hope
embers that made it anyway
and keep shambling along
desperate for the chance to live someday.
By Daphne Shadows
Letter to Chronic Pain
I think it’s time to write an angry letter
I’m tired of this non-life
I want to get better
I meditate and write
Go to therapy
I fight
I give it my all, I keep going, I tried
Gave away all my dreams
All my dignity and pride
I did everything you said
But I’m still here
Stuck in bed
I wake to this nightmare, barely remember
Remember what it was like
To breathe, to be her
The me who could stand, could choose
Growing and becoming
Everything to lose
I need and I miss her so very terribly
Don’t abandon me like this
Don’t leave me
Don’t leave me
I’m not living, not alive
My heart beats
But it’s a lie
I’m trapped inside this pain
Kicking, screaming
I’m going insane
Round and round I go
You say you understand
But most don’t know
Most don’t know
What it’s like to choke and burn alone
With no help working, no end in sight
Where joy is unknown
Everything out of sync, clock without time
Like a poem without purpose
Without rhythm
Without rhyme
Be more grateful, more positive, you say
Like I’m not clawing and clinging
To hope every day
It takes all I have to pretend I’m okay
Smile to make you feel better
I’m fading away
I want to write an angry, desperate letter
But to whom do I write?
We just want to get better
By Daphne Shadows
