You tiptoed into my soul without my say so, slinging all these empty glass jars out of my closet and into my rib cage, breaking the siren song of eternal silence against the wall of this slippery, pumping, bloody mess that keeps me alive.
That’s a falsity. You didn’t tiptoe. You brushed your fingers through the sand, dug them into my scalp, kicking up all these embers until I was choking on the smoke of my own madness. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.
I don’t know if I should smile ’til you’re on your knees or batter up and swing, let you burn inside my skin or bury you under your audacity to waltz into my heart.
So I’m standing on a doorway, sleeping under a fence, waking in between, drowning in the liminal. Fire dripping off my lips, teeth bared, trying to get a hold on reality. there’s a blurry sign somewhere but I’ve gone blind under the weight of the unknown. patience isn’t my thing, you see.
I am a wild animal, a predator and you’re all alone. I am a wildfire you have asked for but didn’t expect.
silence becomes blaringly loud if you’re willing to hurt enough to hear it.
this sorrow can’t eat into my bones any further. but then you turn your back on me and i’m riddled with hollow marrow. my cells turn on themselves.
this isn’t supposed to hurt but my skin is burning with the cold of your emptiness.
this wasn’t a nightmare. how did you do this? break this so fully? can’t the sun hit my heart enough to bring me back? from the edge. from the moment. the moment i forget how to boil my own blood until i can speak through lips i own.
your breath keeps fogging up my heart. fingertips charred, frostbitten heart, you need this. hope hurts but it’s the only game in town. and if my lungs can pretend I’m alive, we can make it on this tightrope. too far from the ground to know what’s up or down, bleed into it. dig in. electricity swimming through my nerve endings, a heady breeze stolen from the safety just out of reach.
I had my eyes closed when I tripped over your wings, blinked and you were gone. I’m dropping baggage and balancing on broken feet. try me. they already did, with gasoline in their veins and thorns in their embrace, but they fell to their own poison.
a kiss can never lie but death sure tries. and just before I flatlined, I felt it wake in me. a sleeping creature that met me as I fell, live flames in my mouth, jumper cables to my heart.
I feel. And you punish me. I try to heal. And you break me. Little glimpses, little offenses. I live inside your kaleidoscope, swirling in hues of agony. So brave. So brave to peel your skin off for everyone. Wrong one. Wrong skin. Wrong soul. Stuck in a web of lies. Razor blades in my spine. I take them out. You put them back. Silly little child. It’s no big deal. Never is. There is a disease in my blood. You pour these bullets into my hand. Pull the trigger so I cant burn down this cage. Pump my stomach for the key but you’ve drowned me in these useless tears. The sky is falling from my lips and ive lost myself to you. I hate you. Silly little child. Its no big deal. Never is. Silly little feather. Silly heart. Thinking you can breathe. You are shards of ice or hot enough to burn and nothing else. I try to temper you. You shatter me against the darkness, burry me in the hope until I’ve done it again. I’ve forgotten. Again. I feel. And you punish me.