Stream of Consciousness

Somehow

Oddly enough, I’m having a really good day.

I’m in pain. A lot of pain. A new pain on top of my normal gut pain, head pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, aches, eye pain, jaw pain, brain fog, depression, and anxiety.

But I’m in a really good mood.

It’s almost as if I’ve stood back from my physical and mental pain – and can somehow enjoy simply being here.

I haven’t disassociated. I know what that feels like.

Maybe it’s that whole mindfulness stuff. 

 

But there’s a sadness to it. A bitter sweet tinge that I can’t actually taste. I know it’s there, but I don’t feel it. 

What is this sadness? This bittersweet sensation?

It’s reality.

 

I guess I tweeted it best, a few minutes ago. Just tweeted my thoughts without thinking about it.

(pity party alert) 2020 is destroying me. I had to quit my job due to health. Now I’m stressed about money. And to top it all off, I see fellow ASMaRtists getting so many subscribers in such a short amount of time. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years! Do I just suck?

I’m just so tired of none of my hard work paying off. Whether it’s my health, my writing, my ASMR channel… I work my butt into the ground to fix all of this, to grow, get better, and nothing is changing in a healthy direction.

It makes me so happy and raises my hope to see fellow writers and ASMaRtists succeeding. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it makes me wonder if I’m NOT succeeding because I don’t have anything to offer that people want. And my health issues just get worse, no matter what I try.

I don’t mean to complain, but writing & ASMR? These things are what make me happy. I put so much effort into them & my health gives me very little to work with. I HAVE to make money. But its looking more & more like my health won’t allow for both creativity & financial security.

Some days I wonder if I’ll be able to keep writing or doing ASMR. Why have a life if I can’t do anything with it that I enjoy? I want to thrive not just survive. But the problem is always money. Some days I feel like the game is rigged against me.

 

Today reality hurts, yes. But it can’t hurt me.

Somehow, I’m happy. Somehow, I’m okay.

It’s an odd distinction. I don’t know if I can even describe it entirely. 

Almost as if I’m looking at my life from a distance, even as I live it.

 

sparrow-5390248_1920

Stream of Consciousness

New Goodies & a Word on Why I Create

Okay, so I updated my Patreon…

You can now get a dragon egg, made by yours truly! I’ll make whatever color you want. These are two that I’ve made so far. You’ll get it in the mail on the second month of being my patron (it takes a while to make).

*BOOM* 

IMG_0614

I’m really proud of this, because… I’m a creator. And now if you become my patron, you can get something I created. I don’t know, I may be overreacting, but I’m just happy that I can MAKE and send you something.

It’s not the only thing you can get from me in the mail. In a different tier, I’ll write and mail to you a handwritten letter, every month. (But there’s only 10 of those available because I want to be able to give each letter my full attention each month.) I really love handwritten notes, which is what gave me the idea.

But I think the best bang for your buck is the one where you get access to my Patreon feed. There’s A LOT of extras there and it’s only $5 a month.

Okay, I’m done squeeing over my own stuff. LOL I’m just excited to have more to offer to possible patrons. I want people to feel like they’re getting something out of it. Plus I just want to show my appreciation. (I 100% do NOT offer sexual content though.)

 

So yeah. If you want exclusive content & to help this now jobless creator keep creating, please consider becoming my patron by clicking here: 

patreon.com/daphneshadows

 

IMG_0619

 

If being my patron isn’t something you can afford (which I TOTALLY understand), I want you to know I still love interacting with you, regardless. I do this because I love it and I want to spread stuff that makes people feel good.

Seriously. I create because it’s who I am. I enjoy it. I need it. I crave it. And I think most creators create because we just want to spread joy and hope and talk about all the ugliness and beauty in this world in a way that helps or challenges abusive behaviors or ways of thinking and celebrates the gorgeousness in us all. I just want to be who I am and help at the same time.

Shadow Poetry · Stream of Consciousness

You

In the dead of night

The nights I sling shot through sleep and not

Blurry eyed and drowning in the mess of wakefulness

Sometimes

I wonder

Do you think of me?

 

I lie at the bottom of a volcano

Liquid heat meshing through my chest

Dripping from my finger tips

Thick walls at my every side

Cocooning me into neither here nor there

And a whisper of curiosity grips me

A lacy shudder flooding my system

 

Do you wake

In the dead of night

Wondering about me?

 

hand-984170_1920

Stream of Consciousness

Getting Back to Normal… But I Feel Off

Hi.

Okay, so, I’m still alive.

I was gone there for quite a bit. And I didn’t like it.

It’s funny to me how different social media outlets affect me differently.

Leaving Twitter? 90% didn’t bother me. There were a few people I missed keeping up with but all the political and bullying and drama garbage was not something I missed. Overall though, the good I find on Twitter outweighs the bad (because what you search for, you will find. and i search for awesome, kind people) and so I’m back now that I’m feeling better.

Leaving blogging? 80% didn’t like. I missed expressing myself creatively, which always clears up for me what I’m feeling. I seem to struggle with knowing who I am and what I feel, a lot, so creative expression is important for me. And that’s what blogging has morphed into for me. Not to mention keeping up with awesome peoples who I’ve connected with here.

Leaving YouTube? 80% didn’t like. So, doing YouTube videos is by far the hardest, most in depth, time taking, and money using endeavor I do. It takes a lot. And for a while, it was nice not having to get everything set up and put together and pray that my neighbors wouldn’t start being noisy.

Doing videos has actually become kind of stressful. It’s hard to spend the time in half of a bedroom setting a whole bunch of equipment up, while not tripping over cords or waking anyone up. And then hoping that all my neighbors will be silents. Not to mention hoping I got enough sleep to be alive enough to record early enough.

So I was surprised I missed doing videos so much. I really do enjoy creating ASMR videos and it frustrates me to find that the things I can’t control (noise, nowhere to film, not having a set place to film where my setup can remain, etc.) really mess with my enjoyment of it.

I mean, that’s not even talking about all the daily stuff I wanted to do that I had to leave sitting on the back burner.

Because I was in bed.

Or on the couch.

Doing nothing except being sick and wishing I felt better.

 

And getting back to things? Is odd. I feel frustrated, agitated. Like my day can’t line up smooth. I’m all out of sorts and on edge and unsure of what’s so off.

I filmed a video today and I didn’t really enjoy it. It was just me catching up with all my YouTube viewers and I just felt off. I sit here typing as its uploading as a solidified, edited video and I don’t know if I like it.

I just feel… out of sync. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

What do you do when you feel like this?

black-3950334_1920

Stream of Consciousness

the words

i have more words

i just don’t know what they are yet

 

and i don’t want to scream into the abyss just to scream

just for it to see me too

i want to really say something

i want your heart to pound

eyes to water

 

i want you to look over your shoulder at night when you’re alone, in the dark, and you hear a sound

i want you to feel

i want to feel

 

and it scares me

scares me that we are so disconnected

even though we’re all breathing the same air

beating the same blood through veins

screaming with the same lungs

touching with the same skin

 

this spider has us wrapped so tightly in her web

and it scares me

there’s nowhere for me to run

from this consciousness that causes so much scorched land

broken promises and forced agreeance

 

but if we can see it

the web

the trappings

the subtle paralytic wrapping and wrapping and wrapping

we are free

 

but i don’t know the words

and i’m afraid

(aren’t we all?)

that no one is listening anyway

 

eyes-5248678_1920

Stream of Consciousness

a little joy and beauty and love

because negativity hurts my heart and that last post was heavy.  and the idea of throwing anything heavy at your head or heart without also throwing rainbows and fluffy cuteness and hugs hurts my heart…

please enjoy some of the amazing beauty our world has to offer.

because looking at hard things is important but looking at beauty, taking time for ourselves, and breathing in the wonder our world has to offer, is also JUST as important.

 

jungle-1807476_1920ara-3601194_1920butterfly-2049567_1920tree-736877_1280fox-1883658_1920frog-540812_1920sea-2361247_1920dolphin-203875_1920dove-2516641_1920yellowstone-national-park-1581879_1920fox-1284512_1920maldives-666122_1920

(all images courtesy of Pixabay)

Stream of Consciousness

Doctors That Didn’t Treat Me Like a Human (it’s scary)

I recently had to get tested for covid (as I’m sick and someone around me came up positive) and what really struck me was the TREATMENT I received.

And not just me, my entire family.

My body thinks it’s job is to attack itself, so I’m not a very healthy person. I see a lot of doctors. And there are two times recently that doctors have just blown my mind in a bad way.

The second, was when going to get tested. It was outback of my doctor’s office, where they pointed for us to park, then disappeared for half an hour.

They were nervous, that was obvious, and I get it. I don’t want to catch the corona-virus and they don’t either. But they barely even looked at me or my family as we were getting tested. They had us get out of the car and sit in this little area they constructed right in front of us without saying a word.

They stood there talking with one another and entirely ignoring me. Like I’m not a human who is nervous that I might have a virus that is killing people, who’s sick, and about to have a swab jammed up her nose into her brain.

It’s like I wasn’t there. Like I didn’t matter. Like their fear of getting the virus was more important than the fact that someone was sitting there.

And again, I get it, doctors can’t get too attached to their patients or they’d get emotionally torn up. But pretending I’m a robot or not even there at all, is messed up.

To not even speak to me except to tell me to look forward and I can go now, is not okay.

 

ekg-2753763_1280

 

I see a lot of doctors who are AMAZING. So I know it’s not impossible to treat me like I’m a person with feelings and fears, too.

 

The first time this past month that a doctor blew my mind was when I went in sobbing, to talk about my mental health. To ask for help, again.

And INSTEAD

I found out from my primary care physician that my last psychiatrist has entirely messed up my medical history. It says I took a medication for a year, which I took once. It doesn’t detail why I had to quit taking mood stabilizers due to extreme symptoms. It doesn’t detail that he told me I needed to be committed and he couldn’t help me anymore.

Which – at the time I believed him, so I went to the hospital. The people who interview you to commit you or not were blown away and suggested I see a different psychiatrist. They said they’d get laughed out of their boss’ office if they tried committing me, and that I was doing great for all the health issues I was dealing with.

They also suggested I go see my regular doctor because they believed I was hallucinating simply due to lack of sleep, caused by a sudden case of restless leg syndrome (a symptom of the mood stabilizers, which no one ever mentioned, even though it’s a health issue my family all has). I DID go see my doc and she gave me a prescription and POOF I could sleep. And what do you know? My hallucinations went away.  Because of restless leg syndrome. Even though my psychiatrist said it was my bipolar and I needed to be committed.

 

Safe to say, I never saw that psychiatrist again. He didn’t listen to me, didn’t tell me what possible symptoms could happen, or really hear anything I had to say. I was pretty scared of the idea of seeing a psychiatrist ever again. So I just didn’t go see him anymore. I kept up with therapy and for years, I’ve been doing totally fine.

Yeah, depression and anxiety mess with me. But the mood stabilizers caused my other health issues to keep me from functioning at all and didn’t actually help the depression or anxiety AT ALL. So not taking them wasn’t a big deal to me.

Until I had a job that was messing with me for several bad reasons. It was a very unhealthy situation and I was in a lot of pain.

 

So here I am, asking my primary care doctor for help and then finding out my last psychiatrist had messed up my medical history.

But this was all backstory. This wasn’t what upset me!

It was my primary care doctor’s response to me.

She acted like I was a lying crazy person who obviously just didn’t have any integrity or memory power.

As if my psychiatrist was right and I must have…. FORGOT that I took a medication for a year??? Or that I was lying and filled a medication I wasn’t taking for a year (because, yeah, she insinuated I’d filled it and just not taken it)??? When in fact, I filled it ONCE and never again…

I’m on the bipolar spectrum. I don’t have the scary Bipolar 1 or 2 that some people have to deal with. Or even that third one that starts with a “c”. I’m simply on the spectrum.

I don’t have hallucinations unless I’m only getting 20 minutes of sleep a night for a month straight because of restless leg syndrome, caused by a mood stabilizer because my psychiatrist didn’t pay attention to my family medical history and decided to give me a medication that CAUSES restless leg syndrome if the patient has a family history of it. … (And restless leg syndrome didn’t go away just because I stopped taking the mood stabilizer. I now take a pill for it DAILY that helps most of the time.)

I don’t EVER have mania, only hypo-mania. I NEVER have had a psychotic break or delusions of grandeur or anything like that. I just feel A LOT of depression and anxiety and I FEEL TOO MUCH.

But my doctor was acting like I was a full blown crazy person who just must not remember what she did. *in a huge condescending tone*

I was blown away. How do doctors like this handle people who DO have psychotic breaks? Do they just believe those people are incapable of knowing the difference between life and hallucinations? I mean, how is it that a DOCTOR can treat another human being like they’re an idiot who knows nothing? Or are all lairs because they have a mental illness? The huge wall that I just felt go up between us was depressing, to put a word to it.

Like I was suddenly an unreliable narrator in a story and couldn’t be trusted.

And what’s so infuriating is that I’m such a goody two shoes! On purpose! I hate lying!

 

It was just too much for me. And after all that, my primary care doc didn’t actually help with the depression or anxiety, but referred me to a new psychiatrist, who I’m terrified to see.

On the upside, my therapist agrees that I’ve had terrible experiences and understands why I’m now afraid to see another psychiatrist.

Although, now that I’ve quit that job, I’m feeling much better and don’t feel as pushed into NEVER ENDING MISERY as I did a few weeks ago. So do I even need to see a psychiatrist? Do they TALK to you or just throw meds at you? Because the meds make my health worse. (which by the way, can we talk about how i legit thought you could take anti anxiety or depression meds and they just fixed you? without any symptoms?? aaaahhhhh…. the naivety…..🤣🤣 …. I wish I’d been smarter and looked into possible symptoms or interactions on my own, years ago, before starting that journey.)

 

And then I went on twitter and between the coronavirus and all the hate…. I just couldn’t anymore.

So I had to take a mental health break. From everything, everywhere. Because sometimes life just hurts. And all I can do is hide under my shell like a turtle until the hurt doesn’t outweigh my own ability to breathe.

And if you need to do that? No shame. Social media has a way of putting a megaphone to things, whether good or bad. For someone who already FEELS THINGS MORE INTENSELY cuz I’m bipolar… not good. Add bad health and feeling out of control of my own life.

Just too much.

So I took a week off twitter and blogging.

and it felt GREAT, to be honest

 

but yeah, i just needed this all off my chest. there are FABULOUS doctors out there. but this really scared me. i find it hard to be honest with doctors BECAUSE of situations like this.

(and no, i don’t have my covid test results back yet 😫)

I’m not saying don’t see a psychiatrist, I’m just saying, find the right doctors for YOU. Who SEE YOU as a person and treat you with dignity and respect. 💜

ekg-2753762_1280