Technology Really Sucks Sometimes

 

 

 

Not to mention that I cannot utilize this blog very easily now. I don’t even know how to work it on my tablet really.

My laptop has been glitchy for about three months now but it’s finally stopped being useful in the least.

😑😡😭😖

So I just went through a particularly painful move, started a new part-time job, my health is giving me Hell, and I’m not sleeping.

And now my laptop died.

😑

Oh, and not to mention that I can no longer look forward to monetizing my YouTube channel in hopes of making a few extra bucks monthly to fund my creative endeavors. Because instead of needing 10,000 overall views on my videos, I need 1,000 subscribers to my channel. 

I just started the channel a few months ago so obviously, I don’t have anywhere near that many subscribers. Which means no money for soundproofing, a camera, or lighting.

And now I need a bloody computer.

 

*pulls hair out*

 

All of my monies from my new part-time job will be going to my health and my dog. So this is a problem.

I love blogging and doing YouTube videos. I love connecting with you and learning all of these amazing things and giving what I have to offer in hopes of sharing, inspiring, or helping with anxiety through ASMR weirdness and other oddities that I have to give.

I have missed being able to check in and blog, youtube, and tweet the past few weeks while all the moving went on. And now this.

I miss you.

*hugs*

 

I also just recently got back into writing by committing to a story that I release by the chapter on my YouTube channel. It was really getting me excited to write again, keeping me going. It was also filling me with healthy coping mechanisms instead of me eating foods my digestive disease doesn’t approve of (which is like all foods ever).

 

Oh, and I deleted my Patreon account. I just don’t feel comfortable with offering some creativity to people willing to pay for extras that I don’t share with everyone. So everything is going to all of you. No more patreon.

 

With all of this, I ask if you’d like to help me out. There are two ways you can do this.

One, you could throw monies at me at my PayPal account.
https://paypal.me/daphneshadows?locale.x=en_US

Two, you could throw awesomeness at me here or on twitter. Quotes, uplifting messages, gifs, stories of how you’ve kicked butt, places I could ask for donations, photos of animals, anything positive.

I know you have awesome experiences and have won a lot of battles. I feel weird asking, but, cheer me up? Please?

 

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Vulnerability

We are told not to show ourselves as vulnerable because it might make us easier targets. Easier to hurt, manipulate, catfish.
Oh well.
We are all already vulnerable.
The only other option is to close ourselves off and experience nothing joyful, connected, or worth living for.

Vulnerability is the only way we can truly enjoy our lives or become anyone worth becoming. Not to mention the only way to feel satisfied in life and our relationships.

We’re going to get hurt whether we’re allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable or not.

Emotionless is not how I want to live. Vulnerable sucks. I’m only kinda good at letting myself be vulnerable. But it’s worth it.

 

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Becoming A Child

When I have kids, I want to read them Winnie the Pooh, Doctor Seuss, and laugh at Garfield and Snoopy cartoons.
I want them to watch Scooby-Doo and Looney Tunes reruns.

I want the books now. To read them now.
How is it that these children’s stories have so much insight?
Lessons we must relearn once we’re old enough to remember the wisdom of children.

Why do we discount the childlike wonder? As if the childish behavior makes it null and void.
It doesn’t.
It gives us the strength to grow into patience and joy and empathy as we focus on the childlike. As we purge ourselves of the childishness.

I want to discover how to become a child so that by the time I have children, I am a good person. A good parent. A good guide for a little life. The real version of myself, truly living. For myself and the people in my life.

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I Am Moving

Hiya! 😃

Sorry for my absence lately. It’s for a great reason though!

I am moving apartments!!!

 

Our neighbors moved out and their apartment was completely re-done. Their pipes connect to ours and both our pipes are collapsing in on themselves. So the owner moved us into the newly re-done apartment. Otherwise, they’d have to tear up the newly done flooring and walls in the living room and kitchen.

Whereas our apartment was crawling with roaches (as you well know). Dude they had gotten baaad.

Crawling while we’re sleeping, in all our foods, living in our trashcans, our fridge. Breaking our microwaves, blotting out the numbers on our alarm clocks. Burrowing into our thousands of dollars worth oak furniture. A nightmare.

I had to keep my underwear in Ziploc bags. 😑

 

Since I was born, our family has moved twelve times. We have it down. Figured this would be easy, as usual.

And then we had to move without carrying cockroaches into our new and sealed off apartment…😵

Which is taking FOREVER. Literally. We are six days in. And not done yet.

But I am SO EXCITED!!! Because NO MORE COCKROACHES!!!!!!!!!!!!

😀😀😀😀😍😍😍😍

 

But anywho. 

My presence here will be pretty sporadic for the next week as well.

No worries, I’m not disappearing. 

Just drowning in roaches, cleaner spray bottles, paper towels, and rubber gloves.

 

One totally cool thing, though, check it out…

I put on some cheap glue-on fake nails. I went that route because they are extremely cheap and don’t hurt my nails as much as acrylics. Not that I’ve ever had acrylic nails. They seem like way too much work. But I can’t stand constantly painting my nails, chipping them, filing them, re-painting them, etc. Plus these fake ones will sound amazing for ASMR. I feel kinda goofy for totally loving something so goofy and girly, but yeah, I’m totally loving it. Kinda a little in love.

Can you be in love, a little?

I dunno about that.

They are just nails so I don’t know that it really matters.

Also, I need more sleep. 🤪🤪

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If You Are Looking For A Sign

Don’t worry about what the world thinks of you.

What do you think about you?

Are you being true to yourself, genuine, in line with the person you want to be?

Who do you wish you were?

You can become that person. What would that person think about the world’s opinion of them? That version of yourself probably wouldn’t care, right?

 

We are all looking for validation and approval. Make sure you’re looking in the right places.

People are always going to judge you.

Don’t worry about it.

Do your thing.

Be your strange or boring self.

People are going to laugh.

Be yourself anyway.

They’re not laughing at you. They’re allowing their insecurities and unhealthy beliefs to show.

 

We are all looking for some sign to tell us if we’re good enough.

You are good enough.

Criminently, you are fabulous!

 

Align who you are with who you want to be.

Don’t concern yourself with the mocking, the finger pointing, the cruel bullying. They aren’t really happy. That’s why they’re trying to destroy you.

 

Just be okay with who you are. You are good enough right here and right now.

From there, you can begin building yourself into whoever it is you want to become.

That’s one of the whole points of life – becoming.

 

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Schedule You In

Have fun! 

Today, add something fun into your schedule.

Seriously.

Make it a priority. Make yourself a priority.

Life is to be enjoyed, not rat raced to death. Not miserable and soaking in “shoulds”.

You deserve to have fun.

Today, search something fun out and simply allow yourself to let go and enjoy the fact that you’re alive and can do something that brings you joy.

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Alienate Your Abusive Perspective

More on how to beat self-hatred…

We don’t see ourselves the way everyone else sees us.
This is pretty accurate, regardless of what issues we do or do not have.
It doesn’t matter who we are, we all see ourselves as a wet rat with sloth reflexes and a dragon’s scaly skin under our noses when we’re sick. Funny thing is, many times I’ve felt this way and met up with someone who didn’t know I was sick. Guess what? They thought I was having a marvelous hair day or looked particularly perky.
*shrug*
We see ourselves differently.

For me, I honestly have a hard time seeing anything good about myself. I’m not being melodramatic or trying to get attention. I simply don’t see it.
All I see are the negatives…
I can’t keep a job, my health stops me from living, I am in my mid-twenties and have accomplished nothing, my family has to pay for all my food, I’m depressing at times, I complain, I bloat and inflame because of my health no matter how hard I work out, etc.
Trust me, I could keep going.

So when people say I am courageous, I seriously don’t know what they’re talking about.
The first piece of advice I seem to get from everyone is to write down things I like about myself…
Think about it.
Someone is trying to tell me to start thinking about all the positive aspects of myself. I’m not trying to be a brat. I simply can’t conjure any up.

On the occasions when I can look at myself and say, “hey, yeah, that’s pretty cool of me,” those small tidbits are overshadowed immediately by the laundry list of things I’m doing “wrong” or reasons I’m a “failure” and so on.

 

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So what do we do? How do we bridge the gap between our own cruel thoughts and beliefs about ourselves – and the positives others see in us?

Start paying ridiculous attention.
If multiple people are telling us that we are good people, kind people, courageous people, good at a particular thing…
Listen.
Watch people’s body language.
Body language can tell us a lot about what people think about us.
Are others comfortable around us? Able to be themselves around us? Are they easily relaxed? Do they laugh easily?
Do people trust us? Do they confide in us, come to us when both happy and in need of support?
Learning what effects we have on others can tell us a lot about who we are – without consulting the abusers in our heads that have taken over.

Be aware of what trusted, respectful, honest people think about you.
We’re all going to run into haters. Don’t give them real estate in your head.

And for now, simply be aware of what people think.
Accept that others see you as fabulous.
Start opening up to the possibility that there is a version of you, that you yourself cannot see.
Why can’t you see this person? Especially since you live in your own skin?
Because for one reason or another, you’ve become bogged down with a magnifying glass in your head that only sees the negatives in yourself.

So breathe and allow for the truth that the beauty others see in you is really there.

 

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