Stream of Consciousness

stop trying to find your purpose

instead, find yourSELF
then find the purpose you have currently

purpose, purpose, purpose
it’s bloody EVERYWHERE

and believe you me, i get it!
i have bipolar depression. not having purpose can kick up some scary questions, mind states, and thought processes.
but how can you find what you’re meant to do if you’re actively ignoring and/or out of touch with YOU?

one of my favorite phrases of all time is, “know thyself”.

many people dislike this phrase because it expects us to know ourselves in and out, they reason. which, if you’re a human being, you know is impossible. but i think that sort of thinking is akin to throwing the baby out with the bath water.
knowing yourself is a GOOD IDEA.
what triggers you? what pisses you off? what do you enjoy? love? hate? what brings a smile to your face? when do you know you’ll get impulsive? what are your weaknesses? strengths? desires? values? goals? plans? consistent behaviors and decisions?
when we’re upset, we tend to want to change or fix someone else. but often times, changing ourselves to grow into who we want to become, will give us a far richer life. one where we’re not so focused on, and magnifying, all of the things and emotions which upset us. those never go away, of course. but knowing yourself allows you to live from a more stable foundation. to actively reach for what you want with clarity of mind, body, and feeling.

but its fluid.
we are, after all, human.
who we are today will not be who we are next year. we are not who we were last january. we just aren’t.
change is a constant. whether we’re growing in a direction we want or not, is up to us.

so before you get caught up in feeling like a terrible person, a loser, an idiot, someone without ambition or know-how or a reason for existing… poke at who you are. poke at who you’re becoming. at what angers you. what fills you with joy. how you want to impact the world. how you want to better yourself and help others.

a funny thing happens.
it gets easier to choose what you want your purpose to be, or to recognize it.
and never forget, your purpose changes. just like you.

Stream of Consciousness

time torture

sometimes

every so often

once in a blue moon

in the back recesses of your mind, when no one is looking

do you ever wonder…

what if you had said yes?


and then i remember

i haven’t answered yet


what if i look back

and wonder…

what if i had said no?

Stream of Consciousness

i don’t know

i’m turning thirty years old this thanksgiving.

something about this coming birthday has me really thinking. and feeling. which is good, considering my bad habit of checking out instead of living inside myself. I’ve been doing better at getting present but as of late, my house of cards has come crashing down. again. shocker, i know.

i guess life is more cyclical than i would’ve predicted. i climb a bit, get good at simply allowing an awareness to exist within me, take steps to work on it, and WHAM! what do ya know? something new gut punches me.

which is to say, life keeps on keeping on.

to be honest, i thought 8 years of al-anon, therapy, self-help books, getting honest with myself, and really working on my weaknesses and conditioned behaviors and thought patterns…. i thought i’d feel better. i thought i’d be better. hell. i thought i’d be doing better.

and i am. feeling, being, and doing better.

but i let a certain chain sit around my throat, getting tighter and tighter and tighter whilst i continued on, not a bit aware, consciously.

expectations.

i expected myself to have reached certain milestones by now. milestones people typically reach when they’re healthy, grew up knowing how to have an identity and boundaries, or at the very least had some sense of self. which i did not.

and of course, societal pressures got jostled all over in there, slithering into my operating system so i was running off of unhealthy beliefs about myself and life.

and no, this isn’t a pity party. loads of people figure it out way before me. loads of people get healthy almost immediately, figure out their current selves and desires, and make huge headway, all before hitting twenty-five.

that simply isn’t me.

i’m turning thirty years old this month and i’m only now deciding that BLOODY YES, i want to have dreams. and go after them. i want to want things for myself, good things, and go after them. whether the world cocks an eyebrow and judges or not.

but mostly, i’ve grown to welcome the truth that i don’t know. i don’t know how to go about things perfectly. i don’t know how i will feel tomorrow. i don’t know where i will be in five years. i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know.

what i DO know, is that it’s not my job to have it all figured out.

it’s my job to live.

genuinely, truly, mundanely, magically, in the present, in my passion, contributing, with joy, lovingly, live.

i’m grateful that so much pain has left. and that i know the remaining pain doesn’t have to destroy me.
i’m grateful for the beauty. and that i know it never has to leave me.
i’m grateful that i can honestly say i like myself, i like the changes i’ve chosen to make. i’m proud of the work i’ve put into building myself up. i’m no longer ashamed of where i’m at in life. i’m genuinely at peace and excited for my future.

the oddest thing of all – and best – is that THIS peace & excitement for a future i can’t yet name (though i dare to desire a certain direction now), is immeasurably better than any expectations my younger self had based on those milestone markers and societal norms. that future me would’ve still lived in misery. instead, here i sit. okay with the discomfort. hopeful for more. feeling, whole.

Stream of Consciousness

is social media a hamster wheel?

do you ever consider deleting all your social media?

facebook, twitter, instagram?

i wonder if there’s any point in it.

i mean, i’ve garnered some pretty freaking cool relationships because of it… but none of which would really be effected if i disappeared.

i mean, am i contributing anything good? PURPOSEFUL? helpful?

i don’t know, really.

human connection is such an infinite, finite, ever-changing and solid thing. it’s like trying to capture smoke in a bottle. did you really get it? or is everything simply a hamsters-running-in-a-wheel, situation? pointless and useless, but keeps you moving, feeling like you’re going somewhere?

i just don’t know.

is my footprint, simply there? or is it a positive influence that actually helps someone, anyone?

how many times can one blather on about their inner workings? (when the right mood hits, i can, for eons) and is it any use?

in this world of attacking someone for having a different favorite hairstyle than you and digging through years old tweets (leaving zero room for human growth or change, apparently) specifically for the purpose of smearing their name in the mud – am i more than a whisper? am i contributing? or am i simply fooling myself?

is it that when everyone has a megaphone, no one does? or is it truly that negativity always screams louder and most days, people search that out for the drama? meanwhile, the positivity is buried. buried, even, by all the mundane yammering of normalcy and humanness that is to be human?

and for all my speaking – am i saying anything worth hearing?

i. just. don’t. know.

Stream of Consciousness

Sit Like a Lady

Bite your tongue!

Do as you’re told.

You should smile more.

You don’t belong here.

Nice girls don’t get angry.

I need it.

Grin and bear it.

Don’t be ungrateful. Do as he said.

You were asking for it.

Sit like a lady.

NO