Stream of Consciousness

sense of direction

If your heart hurts, let it.

If you’re feeling angry, listen to why.

If you’re feeling lost, search out the last thing that felt right.

If you feel alone, know you’re not.

And if you feel content or happy, don’t feel guilty. Enjoy it.

We shame ourselves for not feeling how we think we “should” feel. But that’s ridiculously unkind. This world is an insane tornado of emotions, experiences, thoughts, beliefs, changes, adaptations, lines in the sand. There’s so much to it. How could we ever expect ourselves to exist as some perfect form of ‘happy all the time’ human?

Stream of Consciousness

Stand Up

For who you are.

What you feel.

What you know to be true.

What you need.

 

And I’m not talking about picking up a sign and chanting in a crowd for a cause (though I do believe there’s a place for that, absolutely).

I’m talking about standing up for yourself in your relationships.

Setting boundaries and holding them in a loving, respectful manner. Saying no. Being honest, even if it means someone you love is going to be upset with you.

 

We act like saying no makes you mean, selfish, evil. And saying yes means you love someone dearly and you’re willing to go the extra mile.

But saying yes is sometimes the very worst thing you could do. Sometimes, a ‘no’, is what everyone involved needs.

 

Anywho. Wherever you are. Please know that your health matters. How you feel, your needs, your dreams… these things ALL MATTER. Don’t ignore yourself, please. It can be all too easy to ignore what you know you need in times like this.

You matter.

Now act like it.

**hugs**

 

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Stream of Consciousness

Demons in the Dark

I keep coming back to this one quote.

 

“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.”
– Sade Andria Zabala

 

A few months ago, I decided to say screw it.

I’d had to quit my job. My health was terrible and I could hardly eat anything at all. I was feeling like I’d never be any good at my YouTube channel, even though I put in so much time, effort, and money. I ran out of money. I was obsessed with the fact that I’m turning 29 this year and I’m still not financially reliant.

My health had destroyed me. I couldn’t see any way out of my constant struggle to work with my health issues until it tore me apart and I had to quit.

How am I supposed to be a person when all I am is the impossible restrictions my body places on me, as it tries to stop me from living?

When bipolar depression and anxiety slither into every split second?

When the doctors’ only answers are, “I don’t know what else we can try”?

When I feel no enjoyment, only physical and psychological pain that I can’t escape?

So I gave into it.

The hopelessness, depression, doubt, and pain that swam just below the surface of my every moment, every thought, every forced smile.

 

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For a good month, I probably wasn’t the funnest person to be around.

I’m glad.

Because I’m sick of caring about everyone else to the point that I don’t exist.

So what if people are uncomfortable because I’m not faking a smile or pretending to be happy and peppy?

I BLOODY MATTER TOO!

I’d gotten fed up with putting on a face. Being what everyone else needed. With being so wrapped up in feeling like I had the responsibility to make others happy. Or that I was a bad person if I wasn’t in a good mood all the time (even though it was quite fine for others to have their mood swings).

Hadn’t I learned this lesson already?

 

So I spent a good month being depressed. Mad at God (knowing I was wrong to be mad at Him), fighting with myself over everything I felt, despondent. Hopeless. Angry. Crying. Sinking in emotions I hated, didn’t want. Wanted free from. 100% negative. Drowning in terror that this was all my life would ever be. The back and forth from Hell.

No matter what I did. No matter how hard I fought.

I got wrapped up in me and all that I’d been ignoring. Letting all the sickness I ignored take the driver’s seat. I was swallowed by the pain I’d denied.

 

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I can’t pinpoint exactly where I came out of it.

But I know I needed it.

I feel different.

More solid.

 

Trying to pretend I didn’t feel all these things, feeling ashamed that they existed inside me, and shoving them down – it hurt me. Gave these feelings power over me. And caring so much about being what others wanted just made it a harder trap to escape from.

 

I feel like too many of us feel like we’re a burden. A good vibes killer. A downer. Too much to love. Hard to love.

That’s absolute crap.

We are strong. We have so much to fight through. To deal with. We are not bad or wrong for feeling how we feel.

We don’t owe anyone a peppy attitude.

 

I mean, there’s a different between focusing on negative thoughts and bad things in life – and feeling your feelings instead of burying them.

There’s also a difference between feeling your feelings and taking them out on others.

 

There’s no reason for us to feel guilty or ashamed for having hard days. Hard weeks. Struggles. Pain. Doubts. Fears.

When we try to pretend we don’t feel these things, we give them a certain power over us. And they fester in the darkness of our souls. Until they’re bigger and stronger than us.

 

We don’t owe anyone being fake.

We owe it to ourselves to live inside our own skin.

Either that, or we lose ourselves.

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Stream of Consciousness

You

Be who you are!

It’s your superpower. Your sneak attack. They’ll never see you coming if you stick to who you truly are, day to day.

Yes, you can change bad habits. You can change learned behavior and conditioned responses.

But you are you. And you know this is true.

You deserve your love, respect, and compassion. You deserve to enjoy your life! And you can’t very well do that if you’re embarrassed by who you are.

Be you.

We need you.

You need you.

 

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Stream of Consciousness

lines

there’s a line

 

a definite line

and when we cross it

there’s no turning back

no erasing our footprints

no pretending the heart didn’t feel

mind didn’t realize

soul didn’t grasp the undeniable fact

that there’s no starting over

 

we can’t always see this line

sometimes it sneaks up on us

an intruder in the night

stealing what was

taking what could’ve been

and muffling the present

until it can speak no more

 

one false move

a single of the slightest changes

whether we know it or not

planned for the whole nine yards

or a solitary glimmer

 

one little line, crossed

can topple the whole castle

 

will we be inside

when it falls?

 

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Stream of Consciousness

Somehow

Oddly enough, I’m having a really good day.

I’m in pain. A lot of pain. A new pain on top of my normal gut pain, head pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, aches, eye pain, jaw pain, brain fog, depression, and anxiety.

But I’m in a really good mood.

It’s almost as if I’ve stood back from my physical and mental pain – and can somehow enjoy simply being here.

I haven’t disassociated. I know what that feels like.

Maybe it’s that whole mindfulness stuff. 

 

But there’s a sadness to it. A bitter sweet tinge that I can’t actually taste. I know it’s there, but I don’t feel it. 

What is this sadness? This bittersweet sensation?

It’s reality.

 

I guess I tweeted it best, a few minutes ago. Just tweeted my thoughts without thinking about it.

(pity party alert) 2020 is destroying me. I had to quit my job due to health. Now I’m stressed about money. And to top it all off, I see fellow ASMaRtists getting so many subscribers in such a short amount of time. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years! Do I just suck?

I’m just so tired of none of my hard work paying off. Whether it’s my health, my writing, my ASMR channel… I work my butt into the ground to fix all of this, to grow, get better, and nothing is changing in a healthy direction.

It makes me so happy and raises my hope to see fellow writers and ASMaRtists succeeding. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it makes me wonder if I’m NOT succeeding because I don’t have anything to offer that people want. And my health issues just get worse, no matter what I try.

I don’t mean to complain, but writing & ASMR? These things are what make me happy. I put so much effort into them & my health gives me very little to work with. I HAVE to make money. But its looking more & more like my health won’t allow for both creativity & financial security.

Some days I wonder if I’ll be able to keep writing or doing ASMR. Why have a life if I can’t do anything with it that I enjoy? I want to thrive not just survive. But the problem is always money. Some days I feel like the game is rigged against me.

 

Today reality hurts, yes. But it can’t hurt me.

Somehow, I’m happy. Somehow, I’m okay.

It’s an odd distinction. I don’t know if I can even describe it entirely. 

Almost as if I’m looking at my life from a distance, even as I live it.

 

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Stream of Consciousness

New Goodies & a Word on Why I Create

Okay, so I updated my Patreon…

You can now get a dragon egg, made by yours truly! I’ll make whatever color you want. These are two that I’ve made so far. You’ll get it in the mail on the second month of being my patron (it takes a while to make).

*BOOM* 

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I’m really proud of this, because… I’m a creator. And now if you become my patron, you can get something I created. I don’t know, I may be overreacting, but I’m just happy that I can MAKE and send you something.

It’s not the only thing you can get from me in the mail. In a different tier, I’ll write and mail to you a handwritten letter, every month. (But there’s only 10 of those available because I want to be able to give each letter my full attention each month.) I really love handwritten notes, which is what gave me the idea.

But I think the best bang for your buck is the one where you get access to my Patreon feed. There’s A LOT of extras there and it’s only $5 a month.

Okay, I’m done squeeing over my own stuff. LOL I’m just excited to have more to offer to possible patrons. I want people to feel like they’re getting something out of it. Plus I just want to show my appreciation. (I 100% do NOT offer sexual content though.)

 

So yeah. If you want exclusive content & to help this now jobless creator keep creating, please consider becoming my patron by clicking here: 

patreon.com/daphneshadows

 

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If being my patron isn’t something you can afford (which I TOTALLY understand), I want you to know I still love interacting with you, regardless. I do this because I love it and I want to spread stuff that makes people feel good.

Seriously. I create because it’s who I am. I enjoy it. I need it. I crave it. And I think most creators create because we just want to spread joy and hope and talk about all the ugliness and beauty in this world in a way that helps or challenges abusive behaviors or ways of thinking and celebrates the gorgeousness in us all. I just want to be who I am and help at the same time.

Stream of Consciousness

Getting Back to Normal… But I Feel Off

Hi.

Okay, so, I’m still alive.

I was gone there for quite a bit. And I didn’t like it.

It’s funny to me how different social media outlets affect me differently.

Leaving Twitter? 90% didn’t bother me. There were a few people I missed keeping up with but all the political and bullying and drama garbage was not something I missed. Overall though, the good I find on Twitter outweighs the bad (because what you search for, you will find. and i search for awesome, kind people) and so I’m back now that I’m feeling better.

Leaving blogging? 80% didn’t like. I missed expressing myself creatively, which always clears up for me what I’m feeling. I seem to struggle with knowing who I am and what I feel, a lot, so creative expression is important for me. And that’s what blogging has morphed into for me. Not to mention keeping up with awesome peoples who I’ve connected with here.

Leaving YouTube? 80% didn’t like. So, doing YouTube videos is by far the hardest, most in depth, time taking, and money using endeavor I do. It takes a lot. And for a while, it was nice not having to get everything set up and put together and pray that my neighbors wouldn’t start being noisy.

Doing videos has actually become kind of stressful. It’s hard to spend the time in half of a bedroom setting a whole bunch of equipment up, while not tripping over cords or waking anyone up. And then hoping that all my neighbors will be silents. Not to mention hoping I got enough sleep to be alive enough to record early enough.

So I was surprised I missed doing videos so much. I really do enjoy creating ASMR videos and it frustrates me to find that the things I can’t control (noise, nowhere to film, not having a set place to film where my setup can remain, etc.) really mess with my enjoyment of it.

I mean, that’s not even talking about all the daily stuff I wanted to do that I had to leave sitting on the back burner.

Because I was in bed.

Or on the couch.

Doing nothing except being sick and wishing I felt better.

 

And getting back to things? Is odd. I feel frustrated, agitated. Like my day can’t line up smooth. I’m all out of sorts and on edge and unsure of what’s so off.

I filmed a video today and I didn’t really enjoy it. It was just me catching up with all my YouTube viewers and I just felt off. I sit here typing as its uploading as a solidified, edited video and I don’t know if I like it.

I just feel… out of sync. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

What do you do when you feel like this?

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