Stream of Consciousness

Liminal Spaces

What in between are you existing within?

What stands between who you currently are and who you want to become?

Pick one thing.

Just one.

How can you become that, learn that, integrate that- today?


Choose ONE baby step. And this bit is important. BABY STEP.

You cannot climb an entire mountain in one giant leap. You’re not a superhero. None of us are.

Every process toward a goal is just that. A process.

Micro goals. Attach your success and happiness to micro goals throughout each day. Build yourself upon success upon success.


Who we are is not written in stone.

We have the power to change ourselves today. It sounds silly but it’s realistic.

Baby steps. One at a time.


Stream of Consciousness

Feeding From Empty

It’s not possible.

A crop is only as good as the integrity of each individual spear of corn.

If you’re not taking care of yourself, if you’re not making time for yourself, if you’re not paying ATTENTION to yourself, you CANNOT feed someone else anything of worth.

You can’t give love if all you’re filled with is self-hate or denial. You will give a sad imitation, all the while resentment, fatigue, envy, and bitterness will grow within you.

You deserve to treat yourself like YOU MATTER.

And the world needs you to show up as your best self.

We need you. And we can only have you AFTER you recognize that you need you, and act on it.

Stream of Consciousness

What If It’s a Lie?

You’re fat.

You’re ugly.

You’re stupid.

Not good enough.

Not strong enough.

Too lazy.

Too slow.

You’re unlovable.

Too damaged.

Unwanted.


WHAT IF this is a lie?

Challenge your thinking.

Especially once the holiday season trickles around, I hope you challenge the thoughts you’re feeding yourself.

What is the OPPOSITE that might be true, instead?


A lot of people tend to roll their eyes at positive self talk.

But what’s going on in your head, every day and night, 24/7? YOU are your closest relationship throughout your entire life. Are you abusing yourself?

Try searching for positive things that could be possible. Most likely, they are.


Our brains don’t know the difference. So when you keep telling yourself that you’re ugly, you’ll never lose weight, never get that dream job, never be strong or good enough… your brain is listening. And it’s really good at it’s job. It then goes about searching for things outside of you, to prove, to back up the claims you’re making.

Kind of like information bias.

So, what are you feeding your brain?

Constant self talk about how terrible and powerless you are? Because if so… why not try asking yourself what positive things could be true, instead?

Instead of, you know, berating yourself for not having perfect positive self talk. *wink*

You can always rig the game to work in your favor. Best way to do that? Start with how YOU treat YOU.


Stream of Consciousness

King of Trash


It’s a funny word, trash. What’s trash to one, is treasure to another. Pointless clutter to yet another. Retro decoration in someone else’s mind.


It’s an odd time, right now. Different ideals and opinions, pains and joys, opportunities and road blocks, tugging us in opposite directions, all wanting our attention and backing.


Maybe take a moment. One to yourself. Just breathe, look around. What trash is holding you back? Whether it be physical or psychological. What trash is actually treasure in your life? Something you thought could only be gross and pointless, an unneeded weight or ugly, but in actuality holds a gift in it’s hands for you. A lesson, an idea, example, hidden desire, etc.


Maybe you’re not sitting in a dumpster. Maybe you’re the King of Buried Treasure.


Stream of Consciousness

When You Don’t Grieve A Family Member’s Death

It’s been…. a minute since you’ve seen me lurking around here.

Why?

*dramatic drum roll*


I gained weight, have more medical issues for which I’m now waiting to see new specialists because no one knows what’s wrong with me or how to help, my only YouTube microphone died (but my patrons came to my rescue and I was able to buy TWO new microphones), and then my grandma died due to covid.

Now my family and I spend every moment of our spare time cleaning up after my hoarder Nana who refused to get help going through her 2 large storage units or mold filled trailer… which we now have to pay for while we go through them on our own (with gloves, masks, and lots of alcohol wipes). And can I just say, at $100 a pop at the dump, we’re living in sticker shock land. Not to mention the growing death/funeral costs due to her also refusing to get a life insurance policy (yes, she was easily capable), which has currently put us into $8,000 of debt.

We live paycheck to paycheck.


SO I’M A LITTLE TEENSY BIT STRESSED OUT AND EMOTIONALLY CONFUSED.

Not to mention emotionally and physically exhausted.


And you’re probably thinking that sentence up there was a wee bit harsh. You know, the one that said, “my hoarder Nana who refused to get help”. I mean, she died. I’m supposed to be epically upset and talk about her like a perfect human being now that she died, right?


It’s been an odd time. When my grandpa died, I grieved. I even blogged about it.

But this time? I’ve been so quiet because I’m not sure how to really work this one out. Our society is so big on shaming us if we don’t allow our family members to abuse us… because they’re “family”.

You know?

That guilt trip comment like, “you should be glad/feel lucky that you still HAVE (insert abusive family member here).”

*burns with rage*

Just because you lost a family member doesn’t mean I should be HAPPY that I have that same family member if they’re ABUSIVE.

Abuse is abuse is abuse. Whether or not that person has family blood.


Anywho. Mini rant over.

Kind of.


I’m not grieving my grandmother. Which bothers me. I feel SAD that I DON’T feel sad that she’s dead.

I understand that most abusers were abused. I understand that there was a reason she was the way she was (many reasons, in reality). I understand that she gave birth to my fabulous mom. But it’s also true that she then TORMENTED my mom (and then me to a lesser extent, as I spent a painful amount of my childhood alone with her). I also understand that Nana passed down and continued the family habit cycle of abuse.

And it makes me sad.


This isn’t to bash my grandmother. In fact, this isn’t about her. It’s about me.

This is simply me being honest. Trying to pin down exactly what I feel. I don’t think we talk about this often. We act as if we’re supposed to talk about the dead like they were saints, no matter how they truly were. Unless they were like, Hitler.

So I guess this is just me dealing with it in the only healthy way I can think of: say it out loud and let it be seen. Maybe it’s the writer in me. Writing it out and bleeding myself dry of the bubbling confusion. Maybe its the only way I’ll be able to even access any positive memories of my grandmother, by getting the heavy truth off my chest in a format that’s therapeutic for me.

I want to move forward with this WITHOUT following the cycle handed down to me of focusing on the negative and holding onto my anger.

I hope if you have a family member, or someone close, who abused you, that you know it’s perfectly okay to feel EVERYTHING you feel. Maybe you do feel sad at their loss. Maybe you miss them terribly EVEN THOUGH they abused you and you’re angry with them. Perhaps you’re filled with a swirling flurry of emotions. Or numb, empty, shocky, or strangely unaffected.

I think that’s what bothers me so much. I’ve viewed her body in her coffin. I’ve said goodbye. I’m packing away or throwing out damaged mementos. And I feel…

unaffected.


Stream of Consciousness

sense of direction

If your heart hurts, let it.

If you’re feeling angry, listen to why.

If you’re feeling lost, search out the last thing that felt right.

If you feel alone, know you’re not.

And if you feel content or happy, don’t feel guilty. Enjoy it.

We shame ourselves for not feeling how we think we “should” feel. But that’s ridiculously unkind. This world is an insane tornado of emotions, experiences, thoughts, beliefs, changes, adaptations, lines in the sand. There’s so much to it. How could we ever expect ourselves to exist as some perfect form of ‘happy all the time’ human?

Stream of Consciousness

Stand Up

For who you are.

What you feel.

What you know to be true.

What you need.

 

And I’m not talking about picking up a sign and chanting in a crowd for a cause (though I do believe there’s a place for that, absolutely).

I’m talking about standing up for yourself in your relationships.

Setting boundaries and holding them in a loving, respectful manner. Saying no. Being honest, even if it means someone you love is going to be upset with you.

 

We act like saying no makes you mean, selfish, evil. And saying yes means you love someone dearly and you’re willing to go the extra mile.

But saying yes is sometimes the very worst thing you could do. Sometimes, a ‘no’, is what everyone involved needs.

 

Anywho. Wherever you are. Please know that your health matters. How you feel, your needs, your dreams… these things ALL MATTER. Don’t ignore yourself, please. It can be all too easy to ignore what you know you need in times like this.

You matter.

Now act like it.

**hugs**

 

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Stream of Consciousness

Demons in the Dark

I keep coming back to this one quote.

 

“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.”
– Sade Andria Zabala

 

A few months ago, I decided to say screw it.

I’d had to quit my job. My health was terrible and I could hardly eat anything at all. I was feeling like I’d never be any good at my YouTube channel, even though I put in so much time, effort, and money. I ran out of money. I was obsessed with the fact that I’m turning 29 this year and I’m still not financially reliant.

My health had destroyed me. I couldn’t see any way out of my constant struggle to work with my health issues until it tore me apart and I had to quit.

How am I supposed to be a person when all I am is the impossible restrictions my body places on me, as it tries to stop me from living?

When bipolar depression and anxiety slither into every split second?

When the doctors’ only answers are, “I don’t know what else we can try”?

When I feel no enjoyment, only physical and psychological pain that I can’t escape?

So I gave into it.

The hopelessness, depression, doubt, and pain that swam just below the surface of my every moment, every thought, every forced smile.

 

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For a good month, I probably wasn’t the funnest person to be around.

I’m glad.

Because I’m sick of caring about everyone else to the point that I don’t exist.

So what if people are uncomfortable because I’m not faking a smile or pretending to be happy and peppy?

I BLOODY MATTER TOO!

I’d gotten fed up with putting on a face. Being what everyone else needed. With being so wrapped up in feeling like I had the responsibility to make others happy. Or that I was a bad person if I wasn’t in a good mood all the time (even though it was quite fine for others to have their mood swings).

Hadn’t I learned this lesson already?

 

So I spent a good month being depressed. Mad at God (knowing I was wrong to be mad at Him), fighting with myself over everything I felt, despondent. Hopeless. Angry. Crying. Sinking in emotions I hated, didn’t want. Wanted free from. 100% negative. Drowning in terror that this was all my life would ever be. The back and forth from Hell.

No matter what I did. No matter how hard I fought.

I got wrapped up in me and all that I’d been ignoring. Letting all the sickness I ignored take the driver’s seat. I was swallowed by the pain I’d denied.

 

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I can’t pinpoint exactly where I came out of it.

But I know I needed it.

I feel different.

More solid.

 

Trying to pretend I didn’t feel all these things, feeling ashamed that they existed inside me, and shoving them down – it hurt me. Gave these feelings power over me. And caring so much about being what others wanted just made it a harder trap to escape from.

 

I feel like too many of us feel like we’re a burden. A good vibes killer. A downer. Too much to love. Hard to love.

That’s absolute crap.

We are strong. We have so much to fight through. To deal with. We are not bad or wrong for feeling how we feel.

We don’t owe anyone a peppy attitude.

 

I mean, there’s a different between focusing on negative thoughts and bad things in life – and feeling your feelings instead of burying them.

There’s also a difference between feeling your feelings and taking them out on others.

 

There’s no reason for us to feel guilty or ashamed for having hard days. Hard weeks. Struggles. Pain. Doubts. Fears.

When we try to pretend we don’t feel these things, we give them a certain power over us. And they fester in the darkness of our souls. Until they’re bigger and stronger than us.

 

We don’t owe anyone being fake.

We owe it to ourselves to live inside our own skin.

Either that, or we lose ourselves.

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