Shadow Poetry

Lamp Light

when we take to the streets

no one will know our names

but they will chant our cause

and the lights will never go out


the lamps are burning

off our dead weight

the oil long gone

siphoned by the empty promises

doomed to be repeated

when all the lights go out


is it naive to believe

in happily ever after?

everyone believes

in the end


is it naive to believe

we are here for a purpose?

leaving dead skin cells

as my trail

so you can find me

when i’m lost

when i’m stuck

or is it all just void?

no point at all

i think not


when i wake

in the dead of night

searching for the reasons

i cannot find

remind me


hold me

until the gaping abyss

can no longer see me


take the truth

massage it into my skin

so i can remember

what we are fighting for


By Daphne Shadows

Shadow Poetry

depression is

depression is a liar

and a truth teller

buries heads in the sand

illuminates all the wrong


playing the villain

monsters slithering

in the shadows

making home in the hollows

paying rent in love letters


we want someone to know

but we don’t

can never tell

because


playing the hero

winning over the dragons

stepping into the flame

drinking it dry

sparing the hostages

the licking and the char


because we know what it means

to suffer inside a plastic box

nothing to soothe the ill

because we hurt

beneath bricks and mortar

dust and broken bones

we exist within

suffocation

and oxygen masks


writing these silly plot twists

with knives in our spines

emails to our graves

everyone else is a star

brilliant in crimsion hues

our screens are ebony

the colors all filtered out

we can see you

but we can’t feel your warmth


because we hurt enough

we don’t open mouths

because to add more

is to help the vile

add to the mass graves

of tears and open sutures

because we can’t hand you

this filth

your hands are so pretty

and we’re already so dirty


by Daphne Shadows

Stream of Consciousness

sense of direction

If your heart hurts, let it.

If you’re feeling angry, listen to why.

If you’re feeling lost, search out the last thing that felt right.

If you feel alone, know you’re not.

And if you feel content or happy, don’t feel guilty. Enjoy it.

We shame ourselves for not feeling how we think we “should” feel. But that’s ridiculously unkind. This world is an insane tornado of emotions, experiences, thoughts, beliefs, changes, adaptations, lines in the sand. There’s so much to it. How could we ever expect ourselves to exist as some perfect form of ‘happy all the time’ human?

Shadow Poetry

moving forward

moving forward is the only good option

but

the drop down menu is stuck

and the library burned down

the next bus only goes back


the memory is clogged in my throat

someone stole all the maps

they left a post-it note behind

keep going

it says


did they know i’d be here?

why didn’t they wait?


i left my feet at home

i didn’t know i’d need them


i have the feeling

i was supposed to meet someone here

am i late?

did i miss them?

or did they get here before me,

read the note

keep going

it says


what if they thought it was from me?


i could leave some breadcrumbs.

Stream of Consciousness

Stand Up

For who you are.

What you feel.

What you know to be true.

What you need.

 

And I’m not talking about picking up a sign and chanting in a crowd for a cause (though I do believe there’s a place for that, absolutely).

I’m talking about standing up for yourself in your relationships.

Setting boundaries and holding them in a loving, respectful manner. Saying no. Being honest, even if it means someone you love is going to be upset with you.

 

We act like saying no makes you mean, selfish, evil. And saying yes means you love someone dearly and you’re willing to go the extra mile.

But saying yes is sometimes the very worst thing you could do. Sometimes, a ‘no’, is what everyone involved needs.

 

Anywho. Wherever you are. Please know that your health matters. How you feel, your needs, your dreams… these things ALL MATTER. Don’t ignore yourself, please. It can be all too easy to ignore what you know you need in times like this.

You matter.

Now act like it.

**hugs**

 

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Quotes

The Mirror

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” 

– Mary Anne Radmacher

 

If you were to hold a mirror up to yourself, what would you see?

If your thoughts appeared on your skin, what would you be saying?

It’s good to look within.

Who are you?

 

Life is really stressful, really painful for me right now.

What you do matters.

What you don’t do matters.

 

Sometimes, the bravest of us, are those who are willing to say “i’m sorry”, “i don’t understand”, and “i give up but i know i will try again tomorrow”.

If today is harder than you can bear, rest. And try again tomorrow.

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Stream of Consciousness

Demons in the Dark

I keep coming back to this one quote.

 

“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.”
– Sade Andria Zabala

 

A few months ago, I decided to say screw it.

I’d had to quit my job. My health was terrible and I could hardly eat anything at all. I was feeling like I’d never be any good at my YouTube channel, even though I put in so much time, effort, and money. I ran out of money. I was obsessed with the fact that I’m turning 29 this year and I’m still not financially reliant.

My health had destroyed me. I couldn’t see any way out of my constant struggle to work with my health issues until it tore me apart and I had to quit.

How am I supposed to be a person when all I am is the impossible restrictions my body places on me, as it tries to stop me from living?

When bipolar depression and anxiety slither into every split second?

When the doctors’ only answers are, “I don’t know what else we can try”?

When I feel no enjoyment, only physical and psychological pain that I can’t escape?

So I gave into it.

The hopelessness, depression, doubt, and pain that swam just below the surface of my every moment, every thought, every forced smile.

 

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For a good month, I probably wasn’t the funnest person to be around.

I’m glad.

Because I’m sick of caring about everyone else to the point that I don’t exist.

So what if people are uncomfortable because I’m not faking a smile or pretending to be happy and peppy?

I BLOODY MATTER TOO!

I’d gotten fed up with putting on a face. Being what everyone else needed. With being so wrapped up in feeling like I had the responsibility to make others happy. Or that I was a bad person if I wasn’t in a good mood all the time (even though it was quite fine for others to have their mood swings).

Hadn’t I learned this lesson already?

 

So I spent a good month being depressed. Mad at God (knowing I was wrong to be mad at Him), fighting with myself over everything I felt, despondent. Hopeless. Angry. Crying. Sinking in emotions I hated, didn’t want. Wanted free from. 100% negative. Drowning in terror that this was all my life would ever be. The back and forth from Hell.

No matter what I did. No matter how hard I fought.

I got wrapped up in me and all that I’d been ignoring. Letting all the sickness I ignored take the driver’s seat. I was swallowed by the pain I’d denied.

 

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I can’t pinpoint exactly where I came out of it.

But I know I needed it.

I feel different.

More solid.

 

Trying to pretend I didn’t feel all these things, feeling ashamed that they existed inside me, and shoving them down – it hurt me. Gave these feelings power over me. And caring so much about being what others wanted just made it a harder trap to escape from.

 

I feel like too many of us feel like we’re a burden. A good vibes killer. A downer. Too much to love. Hard to love.

That’s absolute crap.

We are strong. We have so much to fight through. To deal with. We are not bad or wrong for feeling how we feel.

We don’t owe anyone a peppy attitude.

 

I mean, there’s a different between focusing on negative thoughts and bad things in life – and feeling your feelings instead of burying them.

There’s also a difference between feeling your feelings and taking them out on others.

 

There’s no reason for us to feel guilty or ashamed for having hard days. Hard weeks. Struggles. Pain. Doubts. Fears.

When we try to pretend we don’t feel these things, we give them a certain power over us. And they fester in the darkness of our souls. Until they’re bigger and stronger than us.

 

We don’t owe anyone being fake.

We owe it to ourselves to live inside our own skin.

Either that, or we lose ourselves.

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