Stream of Consciousness

Somehow

Oddly enough, I’m having a really good day.

I’m in pain. A lot of pain. A new pain on top of my normal gut pain, head pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, aches, eye pain, jaw pain, brain fog, depression, and anxiety.

But I’m in a really good mood.

It’s almost as if I’ve stood back from my physical and mental pain – and can somehow enjoy simply being here.

I haven’t disassociated. I know what that feels like.

Maybe it’s that whole mindfulness stuff.Β 

 

But there’s a sadness to it. A bitter sweet tinge that I can’t actually taste. I know it’s there, but I don’t feel it.Β 

What is this sadness? This bittersweet sensation?

It’s reality.

 

I guess I tweeted it best, a few minutes ago. Just tweeted my thoughts without thinking about it.

(pity party alert) 2020 is destroying me. I had to quit my job due to health. Now I’m stressed about money. And to top it all off, I see fellow ASMaRtists getting so many subscribers in such a short amount of time. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years! Do I just suck?

I’m just so tired of none of my hard work paying off. Whether it’s my health, my writing, my ASMR channel… I work my butt into the ground to fix all of this, to grow, get better, and nothing is changing in a healthy direction.

It makes me so happy and raises my hope to see fellow writers and ASMaRtists succeeding. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it makes me wonder if I’m NOT succeeding because I don’t have anything to offer that people want. And my health issues just get worse, no matter what I try.

I don’t mean to complain, but writing & ASMR? These things are what make me happy. I put so much effort into them & my health gives me very little to work with. I HAVE to make money. But its looking more & more like my health won’t allow for both creativity & financial security.

Some days I wonder if I’ll be able to keep writing or doing ASMR. Why have a life if I can’t do anything with it that I enjoy? I want to thrive not just survive. But the problem is always money. Some days I feel like the game is rigged against me.

 

Today reality hurts, yes. But it can’t hurt me.

Somehow, I’m happy. Somehow, I’m okay.

It’s an odd distinction. I don’t know if I can even describe it entirely.Β 

Almost as if I’m looking at my life from a distance, even as I live it.

 

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Stream of Consciousness

Getting Back to Normal… But I Feel Off

Hi.

Okay, so, I’m still alive.

I was gone there for quite a bit. And I didn’t like it.

It’s funny to me how different social media outlets affect me differently.

Leaving Twitter? 90% didn’t bother me. There were a few people I missed keeping up with but all the political and bullying and drama garbage was not something I missed. Overall though, the good I find on Twitter outweighs the bad (because what you search for, you will find. and i search for awesome, kind people) and so I’m back now that I’m feeling better.

Leaving blogging? 80% didn’t like. I missed expressing myself creatively, which always clears up for me what I’m feeling. I seem to struggle with knowing who I am and what I feel, a lot, so creative expression is important for me. And that’s what blogging has morphed into for me. Not to mention keeping up with awesome peoples who I’ve connected with here.

Leaving YouTube? 80% didn’t like. So, doing YouTube videos is by far the hardest, most in depth, time taking, and money using endeavor I do. It takes a lot. And for a while, it was nice not having to get everything set up and put together and pray that my neighbors wouldn’t start being noisy.

Doing videos has actually become kind of stressful. It’s hard to spend the time in half of a bedroom setting a whole bunch of equipment up, while not tripping over cords or waking anyone up. And then hoping that all my neighbors will be silents. Not to mention hoping I got enough sleep to be alive enough to record early enough.

So I was surprised I missed doing videos so much. I really do enjoy creating ASMR videos and it frustrates me to find that the things I can’t control (noise, nowhere to film, not having a set place to film where my setup can remain, etc.) really mess with my enjoyment of it.

I mean, that’s not even talking about all the daily stuff I wanted to do that I had to leave sitting on the back burner.

Because I was in bed.

Or on the couch.

Doing nothing except being sick and wishing I felt better.

 

And getting back to things? Is odd. I feel frustrated, agitated. Like my day can’t line up smooth. I’m all out of sorts and on edge and unsure of what’s so off.

I filmed a video today and I didn’t really enjoy it. It was just me catching up with all my YouTube viewers and I just felt off. I sit here typing as its uploading as a solidified, edited video and I don’t know if I like it.

I just feel… out of sync. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

What do you do when you feel like this?

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Stream of Consciousness

save a nightmare, feed a shadow

and by feed, i mean throw $3 a month at her OR pass her patreon link around like its a joint on 4/20.

I live in Mendocino County, peeps – those are some heavy duty miles.

No?

How about like it’s an STD… Yeah, nope, definitely not.

News about Kim Kardashian’s bum?Β 

Never mind.

Wildfire?

(just had the Cali fires and I live in Cali….. sooooooooo too soon)

The Good Word?

*head desk*

SOMETHING THAT SPREADS QUICKLY, OKAY?

*ahem*

Anywho, I started a Patreon! I’m so excited! I got the advice to start a Ko-Fi, Patreon, or Buy Me a Coffee from a few YouTubers and Bloggers.

I like options. I’m an options kinda gal.

So Patreon it is.

What the frick frack knick knack is a Patreon?

You know how painters like EONS ago would get paid by an epic rich dude to just, like, paint? I’m sure it went something like this:

Painter: *starving* *really good at artisting*

Rich Dude: “Hey! You! Take this-” *shoves money and food at Painter* “and go paint.”

Painter: “Yay, life!”

Also Painter; *paints and doesn’t starve to death, spreads happiness through art and does weird artisty things*

 

I’m telling you, it went JUST like that.

But I digress.

A Patreon is an account where YOU can pay ME to survive.

Which sounds FABULOUS to me.

But what do you get out of it?

Well – stuff. Let me just show you part of my Patreon Page:

 

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If you want a bigger view or if you’re interested, check my Patreon page out here:

Daphne Shadows’ Patreon

 

AND I ALREADY HAVE 2 PATRONS!!!

*FLAILS*

 

And yeah, pass this link around like it’s a message on a pigeon from a cartoon!

Pleeeeeeeeeeeease.

Thank you. 😁

 

*This message is Certified Panda Approved by my manager.Β 

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Stream of Consciousness

Three Twisted Tales

So, I have three stories going on right now.

Two are bedtime stories I’m telling ASMR style on my YouTube channel, which you can listen to for free. So far I’ve released the first two chapters of ONE story. (You’re getting the inside scoop on the second, as I haven’t uploaded any chapters yet on YouTube.)

The third is a novel I plan on writing, querying on, and getting published.

 

Here are each story’s basics…

 

ASMR Bedtime Story: Lorelai Wakes

I have 2 chapters of this story on my YouTube channel so far.

Lorelai is an Ancient One, bespelled into believing she works a day job and goes about her life like any regular human being. Until she gives into the ocean’s call and, bleeding to death, is woken by sirens, only to find her memories and identity have been stripped from her. The only thing she remembers is her name and a war between humans and preternatural creatures that happened long ago. A war the preters lost.

 

ASMR Bedtime Story: Luna Baku

I haven’t released any chapters of this story yet.

Luna isn’t human. No one knows what she is, really. But when humans need help in a world where nightmares can be dreamed into reality, Luna – with the help of her little black cat Gypsy, and large black dog Merlin – is who they turn to.Β 

 

Fool’s Justice

I plotted the entire timeline of this novel and finished writing the first two chapters before last year’s end.

Vada and Valentine, yokai outcasts, take a job to rid a man of the djinn haunting his house. Now Vada is haunted and something is killing pregnant women in their sleep.

 

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Stream of Consciousness

I Am Moving

Hiya! πŸ˜ƒ

Sorry for my absence lately. It’s for a great reason though!

I am moving apartments!!!

 

Our neighbors moved out and their apartment was completely re-done. Their pipes connect to ours and both our pipes are collapsing in on themselves. So the owner moved us into the newly re-done apartment. Otherwise, they’d have to tear up the newly done flooring and walls in the living room and kitchen.

Whereas our apartment was crawling with roaches (as you well know). Dude they had gotten baaad.

Crawling while we’re sleeping, in all our foods, living in our trashcans, our fridge. Breaking our microwaves, blotting out the numbers on our alarm clocks. Burrowing into our thousands of dollars worth oak furniture. A nightmare.

I had to keep my underwear in Ziploc bags. πŸ˜‘

 

Since I was born, our family has moved twelve times. We have it down. Figured this would be easy, as usual.

And then we had to move without carrying cockroaches into our new and sealed off apartment…😡

Which is taking FOREVER. Literally. We are six days in. And not done yet.

But I am SO EXCITED!!! Because NO MORE COCKROACHES!!!!!!!!!!!!

πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜

 

But anywho.Β 

My presence here will be pretty sporadic for the next week as well.

No worries, I’m not disappearing.Β 

Just drowning in roaches, cleaner spray bottles, paper towels, and rubber gloves.

 

One totally cool thing, though, check it out…

I put on some cheap glue-on fake nails. I went that route because they are extremely cheap and don’t hurt my nails as much as acrylics. Not that I’ve ever had acrylic nails. They seem like way too much work. But I can’t stand constantly painting my nails, chipping them, filing them, re-painting them, etc. Plus these fake ones will sound amazing for ASMR. I feel kinda goofy for totally loving something so goofy and girly, but yeah, I’m totally loving it. Kinda a little in love.

Can you be in love, a little?

I dunno about that.

They are just nails so I don’t know that it really matters.

Also, I need more sleep. πŸ€ͺπŸ€ͺ

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