Stream of Consciousness

I Have a Better Question

Do you ever feel like a marionette?

The daily to-do’s and responsibilities as your strings?

Only they’re made of steel. Filling up your eyesight and jerking you from here to there. Yet leaving you oddly hollow, skin tight, eyes forcing themselves to stay open through what begins to feel like a meaningless shuffle for a cardboard crowd.

That’s how I feel today.



Where’s the joy for life? The promise of something better?

Some days I feel like no matter how hard I try to climb my way out of this revolving door – I’m still here.

Still fighting.

For more.

Something better.


What to do?

I mean, we have so many options.

We could always give up, give in. Let depression bury us in a myriad of distractions, mind-numbing things we do because it’s what we always do and we’re just so tired and change is hard.

We could let anger turn into bitter resentments. Become a nasty human who only spreads misery, always has a reason to martyr themselves or explain why they’re not responsible or how it’s someone else’s fault.

We could go the illegal route. Hurt or exploit others for money.

We could slap on a fake smile and pretend everything is just dandy while inside we slip further and further into oblivion. Lying to ourselves.

Or we could keep fighting.



Looking for the positivity.

Doing what we can.

Enjoying the little things.

The little successes.

Keep finding a reason.


You see, I think we search too much for the meaning of life.

We’re here. I think that’s all the proof or validation that we need.

I think the point is to live our own life as best we can, treating ourselves with dignity and love, and then trying to help others.

I think our purposes can change as we do. But if we’re not really living life, then we’re not living up to our potential.


Enjoying life is easier said than done.

I’m still depressed, sitting on the couch, wondering why I bother to write, since I haven’t finished a novel I like yet and haven’t been published yet and simply lack for direction in my life.

But it’s a low day for me. I recognize that. Yesterday was a great day. And the day before that. I’m going to exercise in less than an hour from now and I know that always elevates my mood. I still feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel, though.

The reason I’m telling you this is, I think we can feel so stuck, so miserable, and fight for so long – that it feels like nothing will ever change. That we’ll never fight our way to the top of our own struggles.

But we will.

We already have.

What was so hard to you three years ago that felt like it would never end? Something you’ve conquered?

We’re stronger than we think.

We’re allowed to feel tired and depressed and sick of always having to fight for what seems to come easily to others.

We just can’t let that keep us from living and enjoying our own lives in whatever healthy ways we can.


Everything is easier said than done.

There are days where we question the point of our existence. But I have a better question.

What’s the point of giving up?


Stream of Consciousness

Are You Sorry?


I hear that a lot.

For about the past five or so years, I’ve grown rather bitter towards this word.

Sorry is defined as meaning, “feeling distress, esp. through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune”, according to Google Define.  “Feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence; mournful, sad”, according to the Merriam Webster’s dictionary.


THIS is how it’s used when I hear it:

Oh, no, you caught me/called me on my crap, so I’m sorry, I’m going to respond with extreme outrage and deny everything, or wither into a pool of self pity and whine about how I’m trying so hard and no one understands how hard life is on me. I promise I won’t let you catch me again/I’ll come up with a better lie/excuse next time.

And then they do it again. And again. And again. And say sorry. Again, like it means something.

And for those who say they’re trying ‘so hard’ – how are you trying if you’re doing the same thing over and over again the exact same way, wanting the exact same thing, and knowing you’ll get away with it just exactly like the last times – and with the intention and full knowing that you’ll do it again? You’re not trying. You’re making an excuse so that those outside of the situation think you’re trying (and if the person you’re apologizing too then doesn’t accept your apology, they’re the one looking as if in the wrong) and you can continue to NOT try to do anything to right the wrong you’re continuing to do.


I am sooooo sorry. Really.
I am sooooo sorry. Really.









Promises mean everything but once they’re broken sorry means nothing.

– Unknown


Sorry is not a rubber stamp, making whatever you just got caught or called on doing, okay or acceptable. Sorry, does not magically erase everything you just said, caused, and/or did.

Sorry does not take away the sting, the pain, the memory of the person who you just wronged.

Sorry, is when you truly, really, 100% feel REGRETFULL about what you did, DON’T want to do it again, WISH you could take the pain away from the person you just hurt, and WILL try your hardest not to do it/cause it again.


Sorry should not be a knee-jerk-reaction. It should not be the response you throw at people in normal conversation.

But that’s what it’s been reduced to in my life. And really, I’m tired of it.


So. If you’re going to say sorry to me – MEAN IT. Or shut up. I’m worth more than your empty words.

And I’ll work on not saying sorry about things I’m not actually sorry about, like apologizing for having my own opinion or having pale skin or a strange outlook on life. Nope, not actually sorry, so why am I apologizing in normal conversation when no one got hurt?


What did you just say to me?


It’s not about how many times you tell someone that you love them, it’s about how many times you prove that you do.

– Unknown


They say when it comes to relationships, have a little faith. Well, to that I say – I’m tired of having faith in people, only for them to let me down. I think it’s high time the people in my life prove they love me, prove they’re a real friend.

Prove I mean something to you, not by your words alone – I don’t need lip service – but by how you treat me, how you interact with me, what you do for and with me, and why. And better yet – just be a good bloody person! If you want to be my friend, you can’t go around beating waiters and burying bodies. (Well, maybe, under specific instances, but whatever.) Don’t treat other people like less than human.

Don’t give me hollow words. Treat me like I mean something to you.


We think too much and feel too little.

– Charlie Chaplin


*Okay, mini rant over.* 😉