Stream of Consciousness

Getting Back to Normal… But I Feel Off

Hi.

Okay, so, I’m still alive.

I was gone there for quite a bit. And I didn’t like it.

It’s funny to me how different social media outlets affect me differently.

Leaving Twitter? 90% didn’t bother me. There were a few people I missed keeping up with but all the political and bullying and drama garbage was not something I missed. Overall though, the good I find on Twitter outweighs the bad (because what you search for, you will find. and i search for awesome, kind people) and so I’m back now that I’m feeling better.

Leaving blogging? 80% didn’t like. I missed expressing myself creatively, which always clears up for me what I’m feeling. I seem to struggle with knowing who I am and what I feel, a lot, so creative expression is important for me. And that’s what blogging has morphed into for me. Not to mention keeping up with awesome peoples who I’ve connected with here.

Leaving YouTube? 80% didn’t like. So, doing YouTube videos is by far the hardest, most in depth, time taking, and money using endeavor I do. It takes a lot. And for a while, it was nice not having to get everything set up and put together and pray that my neighbors wouldn’t start being noisy.

Doing videos has actually become kind of stressful. It’s hard to spend the time in half of a bedroom setting a whole bunch of equipment up, while not tripping over cords or waking anyone up. And then hoping that all my neighbors will be silents. Not to mention hoping I got enough sleep to be alive enough to record early enough.

So I was surprised I missed doing videos so much. I really do enjoy creating ASMR videos and it frustrates me to find that the things I can’t control (noise, nowhere to film, not having a set place to film where my setup can remain, etc.) really mess with my enjoyment of it.

I mean, that’s not even talking about all the daily stuff I wanted to do that I had to leave sitting on the back burner.

Because I was in bed.

Or on the couch.

Doing nothing except being sick and wishing I felt better.

 

And getting back to things? Is odd. I feel frustrated, agitated. Like my day can’t line up smooth. I’m all out of sorts and on edge and unsure of what’s so off.

I filmed a video today and I didn’t really enjoy it. It was just me catching up with all my YouTube viewers and I just felt off. I sit here typing as its uploading as a solidified, edited video and I don’t know if I like it.

I just feel… out of sync. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

What do you do when you feel like this?

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Stream of Consciousness

If We Couldn’t Change

I’m glad, as a human being, as a person, that I can change.
Aren’t you glad we’re capable of change?
I recently had the need to look back through an old blog post of mine and found myself cringing.
So I’m making some changes.

Let me repeat:
Thank heaven we can change.
*falls over*

My blog is under construction again.
I get itchy. I get agitated. I get tired of how things were.
Right now, I feel like my blog is unorganized and so I’m re-organizing.
Slowly. (because I also tend to put things off that have to do with writing. and emails. i take forever to get to emails.)
I’m also deleting posts that make me wish I could hide under a rock.
It’s like shedding dead skin.

I’m kind of in awe, actually.
It amazes me how much a person can change. Okay, so it amazes (and kind of embaresses me) how much I’ve changed. How I can read a post I wrote two years ago and wonder at the person who wrote it?
Plus I’m finding a post here and there that just seems redudant, as if I really, really didn’t know what to write about but felt obligated… Pointless. And I don’t like it when I’m redundant. I feel like I harp. I don’t like that feeling. (that wasn’t a really redundant paragraph at all)

Have you ever read something you wrote years ago and wondered at how much you’ve changed?

People change.
Situations change.
Atmospheres change.
Could you imagine if we got to a certain point and were no longer allowed to change? To learn, grow. Become.

Without the possibility of change there would be no hope.

 

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Stream of Consciousness

I’M BACK! (Hotel Hell #5)

I… am….. ALIVE!!

No. I did not die.

I know you probably wondered if I got run over by a bus, drug through the desert and eaten by carrion, but I assure you, I did not.

The last time I had access to internet was on April 3rd. My laptop died. Every attempt at resuscitation failed. Epically… obviously. The library computers were shut down. Then they wouldn’t load anything. No one lives close to us whose computer will load things like WordPress or yahoo. I WAS DYING!!!!! Writer with no internet here!

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

 

 

I got a laptop as a surprise on August 10th. WOOHOOO! So…. You’ve missed a lot and not all of it was good. But that’s okay, I’m not dead – I’m stronger, better off for it. But 5 months is a long time when it comes to 1 blog post. It will definitely take more than one post to get it all out. Here goes…

 

First things first, multiple files on my flashdrive were corrupted. I plugged in my backup flashdrive to save what I could and the corrupted files transferred to the backup flashdrive! So I yanked the first one, wiped it, and plugged in the second one, and wiped the bad files. All in all, I lost three folders – my blog folder, my photo folder, and my critique folder.

Let me translate this: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost all my photos I’d taken in the past 8 months. And I’d lost all the critiques I’d done. One in particular irks me beyond words. I’d promised this individual to read and critique his MS two times prior and couldn’t. This time, I’d read it, loved it, critiqued as I went, and wrote up my end thoughts and opinion. And it’s GONE!

I lost all the posts I’d written. That means, February, March, and April’s Hotel Hell posts? Gone.

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Flashdrive with corrupted files…NOT good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because of this, this post is probably out of order in a few places.

 

– I read “On Writing” by Stephen King finally! I’ve been waiting for a year to get a hold of a copy and I loved it! Definitely helped me on multiple points. Maybe I’ll do up a post on it. Maybe.

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– We got an air conditioner for our room! Now we’re not melting. Woohoo!

– The manager gave us adorable blinds! She’s just that cool.

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– Holly pulled the ligaments in her thumb.

– We got shelves to put all our stuff on, instead of piling it all on the ground.

– Holly got a plant. It died. She got another one, and named her Viper, the spider plant. Viper is doing very well.

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– The last day of school for my mallow minions (aka my sister, Holly and my brother, Dylan) (and yes they like and approve of this nickname) was May 24th. Summer Break began…..

– The first month of their summer break I was extremely boring. Why? I had an intestinal virus for four weeks. That’s four weeks of extreme abdominal pain, nausea, and dizziness. NOT. FUN.

– Dylan’s birthday was July 15th. He turned 11 years old.

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– I’ve read lots of books by new authors and some in different genres. And guess what? I’m more picky than I originally thought I was! But that’s okay. The books I don’t like, I’ve taken back to the book exchange. So even if I don’t like them, it wasn’t a complete loss.

– Dylan got a ficus trees.

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– Mom’s birthday is August 11th – today! Happy birthday momma. 😀

– My mallows wounded themselves while creating art. Beauty hurts, they agree.

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– I have been informed (by Holly) that it is mandatory I tell you of her obsession with the Maximum Ride Series by James Patterson as of late. She loves it but is very unhappy with how the series ended.

– I got a baby jade plant, named her Moira, after the collective 3 Greek Fates. She needs to be replanted, she’s not actually in the pot here, but in a smaller planter leaning inside the one you can see.

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– Lucky tried eating Holly’s cupcake pillow.

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– Oh, and our fridge door fell off.

 

On a more serious note, we’re still living in the hotel, but we almost ended up on the street three times. Each time we were saved by positive attitudes, a lot of hope and work, and kindness. There’s been an abundance of drama and emotional angst. As a result, my writing hasn’t moved forward much. Not to mention the two months of summer break, in which – I have siblings, so I need to pay attention to them and not sit in a corner and type – we did many things together daily.

You already know I finished my rough draft of HUMAN OR HIDDEN. I’ve finished critiquing the first 8 chapters of it so far, I’m about ¼ of the way through, being on about page 100 of about 400. Then I need to go through and fix all the things I’ll find while critiquing. Then I can send it out to be critiqued, which I’m totally excited for!

I’m excited to get back to writing. I’ve missed it. A lot.

I’ve missed logging onto Twitter and being inspired by everyone’s tweets! I’ve missed reading your blogs and talking to you! I missed your opinions on my blog posts! I’ve missed you all so much.

 

So what have I missed in the past 5 months?

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Stream of Consciousness

the Urge to Zombie

Have you ever had one of those weeks? No – months, yeah.

You ever had one of those months?

You know – where you’re scattered. All over the place. Here, there, a bit behind that tree over there too, down the street?

Up, down, sideways, crooked, this way, that way, upside down and oh – inside out maybe.

Your mind’s on this and your mind’s on that and you’re being pulled into eighty thousand pieces all at once. And you haven’t the foggiest clue as to which way is correct.

 

 

 

 

 

Continue reading “the Urge to Zombie”