Stream of Consciousness

You

Be who you are!

It’s your superpower. Your sneak attack. They’ll never see you coming if you stick to who you truly are, day to day.

Yes, you can change bad habits. You can change learned behavior and conditioned responses.

But you are you. And you know this is true.

You deserve your love, respect, and compassion. You deserve to enjoy your life! And you can’t very well do that if you’re embarrassed by who you are.

Be you.

We need you.

You need you.

 

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Stream of Consciousness

lines

there’s a line

 

a definite line

and when we cross it

there’s no turning back

no erasing our footprints

no pretending the heart didn’t feel

mind didn’t realize

soul didn’t grasp the undeniable fact

that there’s no starting over

 

we can’t always see this line

sometimes it sneaks up on us

an intruder in the night

stealing what was

taking what could’ve been

and muffling the present

until it can speak no more

 

one false move

a single of the slightest changes

whether we know it or not

planned for the whole nine yards

or a solitary glimmer

 

one little line, crossed

can topple the whole castle

 

will we be inside

when it falls?

 

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Stream of Consciousness

Framing Change as a Good Thing

I quit my job.

I changed my Patreon exclusive prices.

I bought something nice for myself.

I’m looking for an easier job.

I’m listening to my body.

I’ve taken the pressure off myself when it comes to filming YouTube videos.

I got a book on letting go.

There are a lot of changes in my life, right now.

I had to quit my job because it was messing with my health. It was a really hard decision to make because there were so many good things about my job and work environment. Not to mention, I felt really ashamed quitting when I still had a job I could keep going to, when so many people had to stop working due to the quarantine.

But in the end, it was causing too much mental and physical health problems to force myself to keep it up. I’d known I needed to quit for almost four months, but I’d ignored it. Because I need a job. I’m an adult. That’s what adults do. They work. So I ignored how it was destroying my health.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

Literally couldn’t breathe.

I had to come to the realization that the pain wasn’t worth the money and societal approval.

So I quit my job. I’m looking for a new one. But, this time I’m going to be very careful what jobs I apply for.

Is there a lot of pressure? Will I have more things to do in one day than is actually humanly possible? Will the job cause me harm physically or emotionally? Is the employer someone I’m going to be comfortable being alone with? Is it a job where customers treating me like trash happens on a consistent basis? Is it something I know I really, really, don’t want to be doing? Will my off hours be respected? Will my personal boundaries be respected?

*deep sigh*

It’s the constant struggle to be realistic (as I have to be able to support myself) and healthy (enough to even continue functioning on a daily basis at all).

And the mad dash to convince myself to quit panicking over not having income.

I’m having trouble filming for my YouTube videos because I have nowhere to film except my extremely noisy apartment now. I’ve tried recording at night but that messes with my health, like crazy. Not to mention my eyes literally look pink when I stay up. Because I can’t just stay up and film at like, say 1 am. Oh no, my family isn’t all in bed until anywhere from around 1 am to 3 am. And I never know their sleep schedule, as they go to sleep once they finally feel sleepy.

So I decided I need to try to let go of the shame and guilt I have surrounding this issue. I feel like I should be working every day. But I can’t because there is noise above me, to the side of me, behind me, and in front of me. There’s never a quiet moment. Literally. Except at night. And even if my family does go to sleep, my neighbors are up and noisy (toddlers included) until well after midnight.

I want to doing ASMR way more often. It calms me. I enjoy it. I do it to create, to self sooth, and have fun, and to help others do the same.

Life seems to enjoy blocking me from doing things I enjoy. *angry growling*

But anywho. Now I’ll only be posting videos on Mondays. Until I could get soundproofing that ACTUALLY works in an apartment, we move apartments, or I find somewhere else to film.

Here’s my YouTube channel, by the way. (It’s real weird, I know. But I enjoy it. I think it makes sense for me. ASMR is basically trying to recreate soothing sounds with a microphone and props and doing things like having positive talks and relaxing videos.)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTsKcCRmmrImwt8soT1SRFg?view_as=public

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I changed my Patreon exclusives. I decided I wanted it to be cheaper for people to get access to my Patreon feed.

So now, if you want to get all the poems, photography, updates, polls, behind the scenes looks at YouTube and writing stuff, and anything else I end up throwing in there that isn’t anywhere else, it’s only $5 a month.

Here’s my Patreon, if you want to check out what I mean:

https://www.patreon.com/daphneshadows

I’m trying to figure out how to let go of the things that are hurting me.

But more on that later. Because I’m overstimulated and exhausted and need to ACTUALLY take time to breathe. (Which I’m terrible at.)

How are you?

Stream of Consciousness

to hang my heart

i’m fed up

with leaving myself behind

eating last

picking up the scraps of who i am and holding them close to my chest, afraid and trying not to cry

 

i’m fed up

of that feeling

the one i pretend not to notice

that i distract myself away from

the one that hurts in a way, in a place i can’t put into words

 

i’m fed up

so i’m packing up

leaving my old self in the wreckage, beneath the rubble and spilled blood

with the shed skin and old trust

 

i’m packing up

and moving out

living in between

on the road

searching for a new mindset to live it

a new thought process to follow

a new home to hang my heart

 

i need a new heart

maybe one

one this time

that will see

me

 

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Micro Stories

behind the curtain

they weren’t really listening but they saw the truth anyway. it looked, for all its effort, like a lie. came wrapped up in a story they didn’t understand. but they only stuck to the surface, wanting a laugh, wanting a smile, wanting a fake face and a comfortable tale.

and so the truth slipped into the unknown, alone and lost and wondering why so many walked by, shrugging at its apparent sounds of struggle and pleas for help.

but then you happened upon us.

one silly smile and the world was alight with sun globes and sparkles and all those little pieces of confetti that were thrown away at the end of the parties. gathered up and stuffed in our pillows, because you happened upon us.

 

it’s not just that you sauntered on by. it’s that you stopped.

in the stopping, you breathed in, like a dragon with a belly full of fire, waiting to soak in every moment, notice every tiny detail in a world impermanent and ever-changing. a momentous shift in the state of things, nothing more than a spec of a second to you, the gem at the corner of your eyes.

a blink, and what’s what has changed for you.

yet you paused, a galaxy worth’s of memory, and you saw us. smiled, and reached a scaly hand down, down, down into the depths of what most ignored. their sideways glances bringing hurried steps quicker and quicker, further and further away. wouldn’t want to have to deal with it. wouldn’t want to have to change or help or stoop down to lend a hand.

but you dipped your claws into the muck and the hidden, pulling the truth from behind the curtain, and held us in your hands like the most precious of treasures.

 

we realized then. the truth isn’t what’s written or noticed. we didn’t need them to see in order to be. the truth is the truth, no matter the trappings. and you showed us the cost of accepting is brilliancy untold.

 

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Stream of Consciousness

Break Room Boom #4

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.” – Anne Frank

“Never lose hope. Storms make people stronger and never last forever.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

 

I hope that as the corona virus has turned your life upside down, that you are safe and loved. We will make it through these stressful times.

Meanwhile, don’t forget to search for joy today. Little things matter. Don’t let the world swallow you up with its hatred and isolation. We are in this together. We are strong and we care.

I think this is a perfect example of how the internet and social media is such a huge blessing. We are isolated physically. But we can still communicate and find companionship via the technology we have at our disposal.

I hope you have a fabulous day!

 

Me? I’m still going to work as of right now. The business I work for is considered an essential job so I’m pretty blessed. I only work part time and my health is being a jerk. The new medication I’ve been trying has made me worse and I’m having to get it out of my system. I’m struggling but I know I have to feel better eventually, at least emotionally (bipolar depression and anxiety are kicking my butt right now). I’m also not sleeping and dealing with a lot of pain.

But I know things will get better. They have to. Our struggles give us the opportunity to grow stronger. We can do this.

How are you?

 

 

Stream of Consciousness

Break Room Savvy #2

I love Les Brown as a motivational speaker so I thought I’d use one of his quotes this weekend in my office’s break room. 🥰

What do you want to get started?

Me? I’ve begun going sugar free. Unhealthy sugar that is. In hopes that my gut will heal.

Your turn.

Stream of Consciousness

Social Media and Guns Are the Same Type of Thing

EVERYTHING is a 2-sided coin.

I believe social media is no different.

Take away twitter, take away blogs and instagram and tik tok, etc… People will STILL find a way to hurt each other.

I think everything we have created or discovered is usable for good or evil. It all depends on the choices we make.

Like guns. Take away guns, make them illegal – bad people will get them illegally and if they cannot, they will use a knife, a brick, their nearest blunt object. If someone has decided they’re going to kill someone, the objects available won’t typically change their mind about killing them. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Guns and social media are both TOOLS.

How we use them matters.

And I will always, ALWAYS, opt to have social media even though it spreads pain. Humans will always find a way to spread pain (I don’t understand why, but it’s true). But look at the good social media can do.

THE POSITIVE POTENTIAL IS LIMITLESS.

How would the isolated, abused, and young human being know there are good people in the world? That there ARE people that exist that truly care? Or people that have been through the same thing and

Are.

Now.

Okay.

They made it through and you can too.

Without social media I wouldn’t have known.

Social media connects us and HUMAN CONNECTION is the only way to live this life. Isolation hurts most of us. It is literally a way to torture another human.

We need each other. And social media can connect us.

I will keep it because there is goodness that comes of it. And I want to squeeze all the goodness out of this world there is to find. We deserve to enjoy this life, we deserve hope and inner peace.

How has social media helped you?