Becoming A Child

When I have kids, I want to read them Winnie the Pooh, Doctor Seuss, and laugh at Garfield and Snoopy cartoons.
I want them to watch Scooby-Doo and Looney Tunes reruns.

I want the books now. To read them now.
How is it that these children’s stories have so much insight?
Lessons we must relearn once we’re old enough to remember the wisdom of children.

Why do we discount the childlike wonder? As if the childish behavior makes it null and void.
It doesn’t.
It gives us the strength to grow into patience and joy and empathy as we focus on the childlike. As we purge ourselves of the childishness.

I want to discover how to become a child so that by the time I have children, I am a good person. A good parent. A good guide for a little life. The real version of myself, truly living. For myself and the people in my life.

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Craving To Be Seen

No one paid me any attention. No one noticed me.

It hurt.

Put nasty coils and engine oil in my gut. Threatened to make me cry.

I kept going anyway.

 

Who cares if no one saw me?

I cared. But I didn’t want to.

I mattered to me.

Others mattered to me and I showed it.

Why couldn’t I garner such a response?

I kept going anyway.

 

It continued to burn at the back of my throat.

Made my feet heavy.

Almost as if what I did didn’t matter.

It might float away. No weight to it at all. Maybe it did.

 

But I squeezed my eyes shut and refused to feel jealous.

I did not like that feeling one bit.

It was disgusting to me.

Bacon grease mixing with gutter water.

I refused it. Wouldn’t touch it.

 

I did my thing.

Buried my tears.

Held a plushy to my chest and didn’t care that it was childlike.

One part of myself I never cared for approval of.

 

I pretended I didn’t care.

Until I didn’t, really.

I did my thing because I chose to see me.

I did my thing because I enjoyed it. Loved it. Wanted it in my life.

I did my thing because I wanted you to smile.

I mean, I’d always wanted you to smile. But I let go of the importance I attached to your noticing me.

Just had fun. Gave what I had.

That’s when you noticed me.

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