Stream of Consciousness

Framing Change as a Good Thing

I quit my job.

I changed my Patreon exclusive prices.

I bought something nice for myself.

I’m looking for an easier job.

I’m listening to my body.

I’ve taken the pressure off myself when it comes to filming YouTube videos.

I got a book on letting go.

There are a lot of changes in my life, right now.

I had to quit my job because it was messing with my health. It was a really hard decision to make because there were so many good things about my job and work environment. Not to mention, I felt really ashamed quitting when I still had a job I could keep going to, when so many people had to stop working due to the quarantine.

But in the end, it was causing too much mental and physical health problems to force myself to keep it up. I’d known I needed to quit for almost four months, but I’d ignored it. Because I need a job. I’m an adult. That’s what adults do. They work. So I ignored how it was destroying my health.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

Literally couldn’t breathe.

I had to come to the realization that the pain wasn’t worth the money and societal approval.

So I quit my job. I’m looking for a new one. But, this time I’m going to be very careful what jobs I apply for.

Is there a lot of pressure? Will I have more things to do in one day than is actually humanly possible? Will the job cause me harm physically or emotionally? Is the employer someone I’m going to be comfortable being alone with? Is it a job where customers treating me like trash happens on a consistent basis? Is it something I know I really, really, don’t want to be doing? Will my off hours be respected? Will my personal boundaries be respected?

*deep sigh*

It’s the constant struggle to be realistic (as I have to be able to support myself) and healthy (enough to even continue functioning on a daily basis at all).

And the mad dash to convince myself to quit panicking over not having income.

I’m having trouble filming for my YouTube videos because I have nowhere to film except my extremely noisy apartment now. I’ve tried recording at night but that messes with my health, like crazy. Not to mention my eyes literally look pink when I stay up. Because I can’t just stay up and film at like, say 1 am. Oh no, my family isn’t all in bed until anywhere from around 1 am to 3 am. And I never know their sleep schedule, as they go to sleep once they finally feel sleepy.

So I decided I need to try to let go of the shame and guilt I have surrounding this issue. I feel like I should be working every day. But I can’t because there is noise above me, to the side of me, behind me, and in front of me. There’s never a quiet moment. Literally. Except at night. And even if my family does go to sleep, my neighbors are up and noisy (toddlers included) until well after midnight.

I want to doing ASMR way more often. It calms me. I enjoy it. I do it to create, to self sooth, and have fun, and to help others do the same.

Life seems to enjoy blocking me from doing things I enjoy. *angry growling*

But anywho. Now I’ll only be posting videos on Mondays. Until I could get soundproofing that ACTUALLY works in an apartment, we move apartments, or I find somewhere else to film.

Here’s my YouTube channel, by the way. (It’s real weird, I know. But I enjoy it. I think it makes sense for me. ASMR is basically trying to recreate soothing sounds with a microphone and props and doing things like having positive talks and relaxing videos.)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTsKcCRmmrImwt8soT1SRFg?view_as=public

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I changed my Patreon exclusives. I decided I wanted it to be cheaper for people to get access to my Patreon feed.

So now, if you want to get all the poems, photography, updates, polls, behind the scenes looks at YouTube and writing stuff, and anything else I end up throwing in there that isn’t anywhere else, it’s only $5 a month.

Here’s my Patreon, if you want to check out what I mean:

https://www.patreon.com/daphneshadows

I’m trying to figure out how to let go of the things that are hurting me.

But more on that later. Because I’m overstimulated and exhausted and need to ACTUALLY take time to breathe. (Which I’m terrible at.)

How are you?

Stream of Consciousness

3 Remnants of a Story We Forgot

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”

– Criss Jami

 

“I think the job of the artist is to remind people of what they have chosen to forget.”

– Arthur Miller

 

“Effort doesn’t matter if love is left behind.”

– Anonymous

 


 

These quotes intermingle in my mind. It’s like a story carved out of a maddening world, decimated until only a trio of strands were discovered among the rubble.

What does it say to you?

 

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Shadow Poetry

when you get lost

when you get lost, pick up a pen, a pencil, your phone, keyboard, paintbrush, chisel, hammer, loudspeaker, break open your chest and rip your heart out.

whisper to it scream why you’re still here why you will not give up how you are too stubborn to just die you are too glorious to accept this misery this lack of life.

force your heart back in refuse it’s radio silence, sew yourself back up, one foot in front of the other into the garage, hook yourself up to the jumper cables and step behind the curtain, take control of the command center hijack the speaker system, scream like you mean it until your neighbors believe it.

dig up all your broken bones, peel off your empty dead skin, collect the blood and hours of secret tears, chew it up spit it out, push the pads on remove all the metal, stand

CLEAR!

bring it to life, fashion it into rope, make an incision, tie it to your gut find your way home, crawl back into who you knew you were always meant to be who you want need to be, because this drowning in a walking flatline only ends one way.

you don’t need advice until you know where you’re headed.

the man on the moon doesn’t know, put a glass to your ribs and listen, you do.

pick up an ax, stalk the brokenness out back to the post you’ve been chained to, throw the strongest link on the chopping block and SAY CHEESE annihilate them.

take a flamethrower to your slave masters, use their ashes to create your own garden because you can feed yourself.

this is about you, sit in the fire and when you open your eyes push magic through your veins like electricity, a closed door cannot stop your flames.

and if you’re feeling cold, warm yourself with the licking of lashings scarring your insides where no one can touch you, make it all better.

make it all better.

you’re going to burn. burn true. heat cities. grow multitudes. create mammoth atoms to spin within your own sphere, always pulling you, holding you home.

 

By Daphne Shadows

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Shadow Poetry

I Know Better

And yes, I remember you.

Slinking through the corridors at night while no one was watching.

I saw you.

I knew you.

 

I remember the air in your veins breathing past my lips.

Filling every heartbeat until my teeth burned.

They didn’t know you had a secret.

Or where you went.

I knew you.

 

They say you don’t exist.

 

By Daphne Shadows

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