Vulnerability

We are told not to show ourselves as vulnerable because it might make us easier targets. Easier to hurt, manipulate, catfish.
Oh well.
We are all already vulnerable.
The only other option is to close ourselves off and experience nothing joyful, connected, or worth living for.

Vulnerability is the only way we can truly enjoy our lives or become anyone worth becoming. Not to mention the only way to feel satisfied in life and our relationships.

We’re going to get hurt whether we’re allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable or not.

Emotionless is not how I want to live. Vulnerable sucks. I’m only kinda good at letting myself be vulnerable. But it’s worth it.

 

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Arrogance

Arrogance frightens me. Not the arrogance of others. The idea that one day I could become arrogant. What horrid atrocities would that wreak in my life? Which disgusting tributes to pride would I commit? I don’t want to know.

 

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Skin Humanity

“We are all brothers under the skin – and, I, for one, would be willing to skin humanity to prove it”. – Ayn Rand

 

That’s what writers are supposed to do – skin humanity. But how can I be realistic in my writing, how can my novel be meaningful if I’m too afraid to be honest?

Lately I noticed that I’d started doing something I’d never done before – I found myself editing what I said or wrote so as not to step on any toes, hurt any feelings. And that’s just stupid. Everyone is going to hurt someone, piss someone off, at some point. It’s part of being human. We all think and feel differently.

I’ve never done this before, never been afraid of what others would think of me or my thoughts.

 

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love”. – Dr. Seuss

 

Everyone is different. But underneath, we all have similar parts. We hurt. We love. We breathe and we die. We try to find hope in everything or we fall into dismay and suffer in all things. We struggle to find our place in life and then struggle to keep a hold on it, on ourselves.

Identity is such a strange thing. It sneaks up on us. Not something measured by strict parameters or rankings, but instead it’s a balanced challenge, something we fight to discover. Its ever changing because we’re always changing.

How we define ourselves is altered by others and our own thoughts and opinions, desires, weaknesses, and strengths. Our loves, our obsessions. The reasons we fight, cry, smile. Scream.

 

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” – Cyril Connolly

 

We’re all so wrapped up in ourselves or in the social popularity we wish to achieve or impress that we forget ourselves in the process, ultimately cancelling out any “us” there is to find.

And if we’re going to “skin humanity”, regardless of how we’re going to do this, we first need to skin ourselves. Who are we? Why? Is that something we’re okay with?

Yes, if you skin yourself, flay the lies and deceptions and fake skin away, you’ll have a “you” which might hurt some feelings, might be a bit too harsh, blunt, honest. But I’d take being myself over faking it so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

I may be blunt, but I’m not cruel. There is a difference. You have to learn to be okay with being yourself, even if that means not everyone likes or agrees with you.

That’s the only way to write (or sing or create whatever it is you create) and have some meaning glare up from the pages and smack the reader in the heart with something that means something to them.

 

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone. – Bill Cosby

 

I love reading a good book, hearing a great song, finding a new artist. And for me to fall in love with them, they have to have some kind of spark that stabs me and keeps me wanting more. A good story has to touch on the truth of a subject people otherwise wouldn’t touch. People don’t like complicated, sticky subjects. Give that subject immortality and a girlfriend who likes to set things on fire, and hot damn – they won’t just love you and your work for it, they’ll think about what you really mean in the back of their minds, when no one is around, and wonder if that’s what you meant.

And that’s the other great thing about hidden truths in all great books, songs, etc. – they have more than one meaning, one truth, one thing to say. They mean what you need them to mean. They point out the harsh reality that you’ve been ignoring. They tell you something, they get under your skin and breathe life into you.

 

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.” – Elie Wiesel

 

Don’t be indifferent. Be yourself. Or else, really, what’s the point? Live for yourself or you’re not living. You’re just here, going along with others’ lives, a shadow of yourself, emaciated and struggling to exist.

I hope your ears aren’t bleeding. I love hearing a good quote and sometimes I feel like blabbering on about them. So I know that was all a bit scattered and random, and vague, but hey, that’s me in a nutshell.

Not really – but that’s my current mood. 😉 If you skinned me, you’d probably get lost in the crazy. I balance being blunt with weirdness. That’s just how I am. It’s working well so far, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have disagreements or people who don’t like me because of how I feel.

But I refuse to blow rainbows up your skirt. I am who I am and I feel how I feel. And when I write, it is to skin humanity.

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How to Live

I’ve been shoved under the impression that if I felt emotion, became emotional for any reason, even if I was completely justified, I had reason to be embarrassed, ashamed.

Stupid, right?

Pretty damn.

 

Seeds + Water = Blossom. Water = Emotion.
Seeds + Water = Blossom. Water = Emotion.

 

You’re born. You exist.

And what is the point of existing, again?

To live.

How do you live? For starters, you cannot merely ‘exist’ if you want to live. You have to really live your life.

So where’s the how-to -manual?

There isn’t one. You just have to live. Day by day, heartbeat by heartbeat. And its bloody hard.

Its centered around one thing. You. And not the superficial you that you present the world.

What’s inside you? What you feel, what you desire, what gets you out of bed smiling and apprehensive and motivated in the morning. It’s that twinge of happiness inside and comforting excitement that zings through you as you think about what you’re about to do, where you’re going, why your day has meaning to you, purpose.

 

Life is hard. Life sucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I get it better than most. I’m living it. I’m twenty-one years old and I’m more jaded and realistic than people twice my age.

But I’m also optimistic, stubborn, idealistic, driven, a dreamer, and persistent. I know what I want and I cling to that. I hold tight when everything’s gone to hell and back and checked back in with its not-so-seasonal-pass. I smile. Regardless.

And that’s a pretty good way not to lose yourself. Don’t let go of those deeply imbedded desires, dreams, needs, wants, those things which you know make you – you. They define you, drive you. And they only go away if you burry them, and even then, they’re still inside you, buried – sure, but there nonetheless.

Ignore a wound, it festers. Ignore who you are, and the results will be more deadly. You’ll exist. But you will never live.

 

Balance. It's helpful. Get some.
Balance. It’s helpful. Get some.

 

Find your balance. Don’t be overemotional or let your emotions rule you. But don’t smother them either. Live your life. It’s kind of pointless if you’re wasting your breath. Lungs only work so long. Everyone dies. I want to live before it’s my time to shake hands with death.

 

If you’re ashamed of being healthily emotional, you might as well be ashamed of being human. Lemmings are so much more agreeable.

 

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

– Oscar Wilde

 

It’s really freaking hard to live!

You have to fight tooth and nail to ask yourself who you are and why and if you’re in accordance with what and who you want to be and where you want to be headed on a daily basis. You have to keep yourself in check. I find being honest with myself about why I’m doing what I’m doing and taking into account what I want and why, is something I have to remind myself to do. I have to remind myself to think about it! It doesn’t occur to me to wonder what I want until I’ve already bypassed the whole thinking part of the situation. Then I’m left wondering, once again, how I allowed myself to become so brainwashed to the point that I never even take into account what I want or how I feel.

Don’t ignore your emotions. Months or even years later you’ll be living in a hotel wondering what you want to do. And you won’t know. You’ll be as emotional as your pillow, stuck, staring between your computer screen and the book you’re reading, wondering when you’re going to figure out what you’re supposed to do now.

You won’t know. You’ll have no direction. Because the you you smothered, won’t really exist any longer. Ironic, isn’t it?

 

Humans are meant to have motivations. Motivation comes from desires. Desires are emotions.

Just saying. I’d rather be myself during a hellish part of my life than to have a crap life and be breathing for absolutely no reasons of my own.

Unless you’re Barbie, life is going to suck, regardless. Doesn’t it make more sense to make sure it’s a life you want to live?

 

Ironically, getting a hold on your emotions gives you clarity, balance.
Ironically, getting a hold on your emotions gives you clarity, balance.