Stream of Consciousness

Ideas for New Year’s Questions and Lists for Personal Growth and Change

A new year is coming. You know this. I know this.

We seem obsessed with starting over, having a clean slate, making changes, and making new goals at the end and beginning of a year.

I believe we can do this any moment of any day or night. But I honor every single person in this life that decides to try any of this at any time. Including those of us who go about the same newness at new year’s.

So here we go.

 

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I’d like to make some lists and ask myself some questions this new year. If you’re wanting to do the same thing but don’t know where to start – here’s what I’m going to do. Maybe it can give you some ideas or spark a similar desire in you.

  • Blame. Who do I blame for what? If I blame someone for all the bad stuff, I better blame them for the good stuff too. (Tony Robbins gave me this idea.)
  • Bucket List. Of sorts. I’m terrified to want anything. And so I don’t know what I want any longer. This year, I want to make a bucket list. I want to figure out what I want.
  • A goals list for this coming year (2020).
  • A goals list for the next 3 years.
  • A goals list for the next 5 years.
  • This year, I want to go through all of my old journals and read them. I’m terrified but I think it’s important. Then decide if I want to keep them or burn them.
  • I want to organize and de-clutter my half of the bedroom (my sister and I share a room) before January 1st 2020. This is the only one on this list I want to do before the new year arrives.
  • What do I blame myself for? How am I unkind to myself? How am I kind to myself?
  • Types of books I’d like to read. Books on body language, dogs, different culture’s mythology, books by Tony Robbins, gut books, psychology books, etc.
  • What have I done that’s working this year? What have I done that’s not worked this past year?
  • Habits I want to let go of. Habits I want to begin.
  • Use a daily check in journal so I can do a sort of emotional check in. I’m uncomfortable doing this because my emotional state is so messy and deeply negative sometimes and I feel ashamed of that.
  • I want to create some sort of mini-crate thingy to hold index cards with quotes on them. As well as getting my quotes off of my bookmarks and Pinterest.
  • I want to get back into meditation. It feels good.
  • What I’m afraid of. What would happen if those fears came true. What I would do. Worst case scenario. What if the absolute best thing happened?
  • What are the things that I allow to cause me to feel stress, anxiety, worry, depression, panic, and fear? Are those things actively causing me harm? What can I do that’s healthy to stop these things? In what ways can I cope in a healthy way with the things I cannot control?
  • How am I doing physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally? How do I want to be doing?
  • If I wasn’t afraid of hurting other’s feelings what would I do? What would I say?
  • What have I learned about myself this year?
  • What challenges have I faced and overcome? I never linger on this. I always hear that it would be a great idea and helps with depression. Do I do this? Nope.
  • What would I love to have finished by the year 2021 if I didn’t put realistic expectations on myself?
  • What is fun for me? What can I do for fun? I am not good at having fun – I don’t do it even though I know its what I need and is healthy. What do I want to do for fun? What can I realistically do to get myself to have fun?
  • What is my purpose?
  • If “real job” or “self-worth attached to job” didn’t exist – what would I be doing?
  • What would I like to spend most of my time on?
  • Is there any social media I can get rid of?
  • What can I make my morning routine? My nightly routine?
  • What does self-care mean for me?
  • How can I do something to stop giving into this character flaw: when I’m around people, I tend to take on their energy level and emotional state regardless of what I feel or think.
  • How can I do something to stop giving into this character flaw: I feel extreme physical and emotional pain when I say “no” or when I don’t do, feel, or want what people want me to do, feel, or want. I feel like I’m an evil, bad person and am doing the wrong thing.
  • And the one question I’ve never even bothered to try answering (because I feel it’s impossible) – what would I do if money was not an issue?
  • LASTLY – I’d like to print this out and actually pay attention to this blog post I just wrote. Instead of simply shaping the chaos inside me into words and letting it go. I’d like to actually act on this. All the knowledge in the world is useless without acting on it, integrating it into my life and habits.
  • Then (yes, I know, I said lastly but I wrote it, I get to break my own rules – writers kinda do that all the time), I want to write a blog post titled, “A Year of Learning” and be honest with myself and you.
  • Am I going to spend my life trying to survive or am I going to live intentionally, aware, and awake, consciously going in the direction of who I am to become and what I have to give?

 

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I don’t want to make these lists and answer all of these questions in the next few days before the next year begins. Oh no. That’d be impossible and pointless.

I want to answer these questions and create these lists over the next year. By year 2021 I want to have answers. I want to learn something about myself. I want to live my own life, instead of spend my days and nights in a distraction haze, trying to survive.

I’ve been a little lifeless this year here on my blog. It’s not because I don’t have a desire to write or be expressive. The reasoning is a little more depressing. I’m afraid. I’m swamped by stress to the point I can’t think straight or cope with anything in a healthy way. I’ve spent this year falling apart.

I want more. I want 2020 to be a year of rebuilding. Only, I get to choose the building blocks and I get to choose what I’m creating.

What are some questions and lists you want to make this upcoming year? What do you want?

Stream of Consciousness

Never Give Up

Let me put that better…

Always keep moving forward, always keep trying.

 

Whatever you’re struggling with today, you can handle it, I promise.

Even if it’s hard and it’s a struggle the whole time – you’re still winning.

I mean, seriously – what’s your track record?

You’ve survived every single bad day, horrid challenge, and painful experience. You’ve beaten all of your trials in life. You have a 100% success rate.

You’re still here. You’re still trying.

 

Don’t forget to pay attention to how much you’ve grown, achieved, learned, and succeeded at.

You’ve got this.

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Stream of Consciousness

The Daphne Shadows Paradox

I’ve been much too hard on myself lately. And I can say that intellectually, but I’m not very good at actually acting on that truth and putting a stop to the beating up of myself. 😉

If you’re doing the same thing – realizing you’re too hard on yourself and need to change – don’t be upset with yourself over that too! Just know that you’re human and we all have things we need to work on.

My digestive disease has gotten progressively worse. I found out there was a giant chunk of information out there discovered by gut doctors who specialize in my thing. Of course, the form of the gut disease I have is the hardest to get rid of. There are two reasons my kind is caused and of course, I have the hardest reason to recover from, as well.

🙄

 

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All of the stuff I need costs loads of monies and I’m currently out of a job. Again.

I’ve tried multiple jobs and each time I end up having to quit because they make my health way worse.

Is there any better fuel for treating oneself terribly than not being able to work? Being able to provide for myself and my dog was the best feeling ever. Now that it’s gone, I find I’m worse about being kind to myself than before I’d ever worked at all.

Other than that, my restless leg syndrome has kept me from sleeping to the point that I began having hallucinations once again. Terrifying. But, at least I know I’m hallucinating.

*shrug*

The migraines, nausea, and anxiety and depression have worsened too. None of the mood stabilizers work. In fact, I never had restless leg syndrome until I took a certain mood stabilizer. I haven’t taken it in almost a year but that’s something people don’t talk about often. Mood stabilizers tear up your health – and once you get something from them, that symptom typically never goes away. Whether you stop taking it or not. I didn’t know that.

No more mood stabilizers for Daphne. Besides, they literally did nothing for my anxiety or depression. Zero change.

 

Through all of this, one of the two hardest parts is not being able to make money. I think it’s the biggest reason I’m so hurtful with myself. 

Despite all of this, I am optimistic. I have my days where it all builds up – can’t eat, starving so I eat something that hurts me, can’t sleep, can’t get rid of the pain, can’t work, can’t support myself, can’t create. My family will ask me if I’m okay and I’ll collapse into a ridiculous amount of hard crying.

Some days it’s hard not to be able to eat, sleep, or do anything but try to find a way out of this Hell. With no luck.

If I wasn’t blessed with a family that cared about me, I don’t know what I would have done by now.

 

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Not being able to create has been one of the hardest things. It’s part of who I am.

Not writing or blogging or doing videos has been so painful in a way I cannot express. And I’ve never been able to get creative in a physical way, creating things with my hands. Because I don’t have the money. And if it isn’t something requires money, I am too bogged down with focusing on trying to survive, that I simply can’t.

There’s this impossible situation I’m living inside. It lives inside of me, physically and in my mind, slinking through the halls and making certain every fiber of my being is focused on despair and failures. Until I see nothing good in myself.

 

The silly part is, I don’t let on to how terrible I feel and how extensively my health messes with me on a daily basis. It’s isolating. It’s isolated me from myself.

 

The past couple of days I’ve been trying to simply accept what’s going on. Surrender to the fact that I can’t control this. Realize I’m not a terrible person for wanting to eat a sandwich. I even want to eat healthily – just can’t digest most stuff.

But what if I stopped being cruel to myself? What if I stopped putting myself down for not getting over my health problems miraculously (gee, that sounds ridiculous now that I’m typing it up)? If I stopped hating myself for not being able to hold down a normal job because of my health?

I’ve never given up.

But some days I do give into feeling defeated and trapped. Recently those days are popping up more and more.

But I’ve never stopped trying. Never stopped searching for the next healthy thing to try.

 

I’ve sincerely had enough of this.

Why should I be angry with myself for being hungry?

I feel I’ve reached a stalemate with self-hate. I can’t quite treat myself in a positive manner but I refuse to act as if any of this is my fault or makes me a bad person, a failure, or weak.

 

I hope whatever your struggles are, knowing others are struggling too brings you some sense of ended isolation. You’re not alone. We’re all struggling with something.

I hope you know change will come. It will come whether we want it to or not. But we can help decide what change that will be.

Don’t isolate. Find friends. Go sit outside with them. Walk around your block and enjoy nature and the fresh air. Write all your feelings out. Find something fun to do and do it. Find whatever is missing in your life by trying everything that looks interesting. Find your purposes and stick to them in a joyful way.

 

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Knowing that I’m struggling isn’t the point of this.

I’ve never given myself much credit when it comes to anything, really. I know there are loads of you who do the same thing. Tearing yourselves down, only focusing on what you “get wrong” or “haven’t done”.

We have to stop doing this.

So I’m going to give myself a compliment. Online, for everyone to see. *cringe*

And I hope you’ll give yourself a compliment in the comment section of this post too.

 

Compliment to myself: Daphne, you are living with immovable objects all over in your life. Things you cannot stop. Things you cannot control. Things and situations that have never let up, not for a moment, always trying to hurt you, to stop you, to defeat you.

They’re not going to win. You’re an unstoppable force.

Fights between immovable objects and unstoppable forces never end in defeat.

I’m already winning by not giving up. Even though nothing gets better. My health only gets worse, in fact. How amazing is it that I haven’t given up? I am not prideful for seeing that.

I’m still here and trying. I haven’t given up. I’m even looking into ways to getting paid for being a creator – you know, what I’m good at and won’t worsen my health. How on earth can I see myself as weak?

Leave a compliment for YOURSELF in the comments section below, would you? You have something great inside you that can never be reached if you squash it with self-cruelty. What compliment can you give yourself?

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Stream of Consciousness

Walking In Circles

I have no idea what to blog on this week.

I don’t even know what’s going on inside my own head.

Do you ever get that way?

Kind of blank inside….

I think maybe I’m just on overload, if that makes any sense.

 

So what’s on my mind?

…..

..

.

Yeah…. this is going nowhere.

 

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Do you ever feel stuck? Like you’re walking around in circles, retracing the same steps that led you nowhere in particular?

Ugh.

That’s me right now.

I could use some divine intervention.

 

And even once you realize you’re walking in circles, you then have to figure out WHAT it is that you’re doing wrong, WHAT it is that you need to do to change, and HOW you’re going to accomplish that.

I think right now I’m in between those two. The circle walking and the planning/changing.

I’m in the exhausted category. Sitting there, blinking at everything going on, and wondering why the kitchen is so far away from my chair.

 

Humans are so strange. Why does it take us forever to realize something isn’t right? I mean, how many times do you have to club yourself over the head before you realize you’re holding a club???

Anywho – I’m a zombie.

Except I don’t have the energy to eat brains. Or even chase my food in the first place.

So I’m going to die of starvation.

Maybe I’m a vegetarian zombie – just apply chocolate.

 

Do you ever realize you’re walking in circles? Figure out the needed change and simultaneously feel like you got run over?