Stream of Consciousness

You

Be who you are!

It’s your superpower. Your sneak attack. They’ll never see you coming if you stick to who you truly are, day to day.

Yes, you can change bad habits. You can change learned behavior and conditioned responses.

But you are you. And you know this is true.

You deserve your love, respect, and compassion. You deserve to enjoy your life! And you can’t very well do that if you’re embarrassed by who you are.

Be you.

We need you.

You need you.

 

Screenshot (52)

Stream of Consciousness

Somehow

Oddly enough, I’m having a really good day.

I’m in pain. A lot of pain. A new pain on top of my normal gut pain, head pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, aches, eye pain, jaw pain, brain fog, depression, and anxiety.

But I’m in a really good mood.

It’s almost as if I’ve stood back from my physical and mental pain – and can somehow enjoy simply being here.

I haven’t disassociated. I know what that feels like.

Maybe it’s that whole mindfulness stuff. 

 

But there’s a sadness to it. A bitter sweet tinge that I can’t actually taste. I know it’s there, but I don’t feel it. 

What is this sadness? This bittersweet sensation?

It’s reality.

 

I guess I tweeted it best, a few minutes ago. Just tweeted my thoughts without thinking about it.

(pity party alert) 2020 is destroying me. I had to quit my job due to health. Now I’m stressed about money. And to top it all off, I see fellow ASMaRtists getting so many subscribers in such a short amount of time. I’ve been at it for 1.5 years! Do I just suck?

I’m just so tired of none of my hard work paying off. Whether it’s my health, my writing, my ASMR channel… I work my butt into the ground to fix all of this, to grow, get better, and nothing is changing in a healthy direction.

It makes me so happy and raises my hope to see fellow writers and ASMaRtists succeeding. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it makes me wonder if I’m NOT succeeding because I don’t have anything to offer that people want. And my health issues just get worse, no matter what I try.

I don’t mean to complain, but writing & ASMR? These things are what make me happy. I put so much effort into them & my health gives me very little to work with. I HAVE to make money. But its looking more & more like my health won’t allow for both creativity & financial security.

Some days I wonder if I’ll be able to keep writing or doing ASMR. Why have a life if I can’t do anything with it that I enjoy? I want to thrive not just survive. But the problem is always money. Some days I feel like the game is rigged against me.

 

Today reality hurts, yes. But it can’t hurt me.

Somehow, I’m happy. Somehow, I’m okay.

It’s an odd distinction. I don’t know if I can even describe it entirely. 

Almost as if I’m looking at my life from a distance, even as I live it.

 

sparrow-5390248_1920

Stream of Consciousness

Kill Your Darlings

It’s a popular writer phrase. It means to get rid of prose, characters, or scenes, etc. that you really, really like, but have no real reason to keep.

That’s NOT what I’m talking about here.

Today, I axed another social media platform I was using. I had two YouTube channels. But I realized that I could achieve what I wanted in just one, so I killed off the second one.

I am now down to:

Twitter

YouTube

This Blog

 

And that’s it. And I gotta tell you, I feel a whole lot better.

I’ve recently had a lot of things remind me that spreading myself thin destroys me. It makes me want to take a look at my life and see if there are any other darlings I need to slice out of my life.

We bog ourselves down with unnecessary weight all the time, putting pressure on ourselves that has the potential to suck the joy out of our daily life.

We deserve better.

I know spring cleaning is only supposed to be once a year, but I think taking a good hard look at life more often – and deciding if something is pointlessly draining me – is a good idea.

 

There’s so much to deal with in life, as it is. We’re constantly busy, busy, busy. Rarely do we get the chance to sit down and breathe, relax, enjoy.

I don’t want to add running arounds to my schedule. I don’t want to try to force something that just isn’t going to work.

And most of the time we know quite a while before we give in, that we need to let something or someone go. I’ve been entertaining the idea of killing my second YouTube channel for almost a month now. I realized very quickly that it wasn’t for me, but if there’s something I’m great it – it’s not trusting myself.

 

I’m off to create and order new business cards, since my old ones have incorrect social media info on them now. 😑

SO here’s to trusting ourselves. Here’s to relieving some pressure by killing one darling at a time. 🥰

What are some things you need to cut out of your life or simply let go of? What are you trying to force that isn’t working? What hasn’t turned out the way you expected and now you need to reevaluate? What do you know, deep down, just isn’t working?

time-3222267_1920

Stream of Consciousness

I Have a Better Question

Do you ever feel like a marionette?

The daily to-do’s and responsibilities as your strings?

Only they’re made of steel. Filling up your eyesight and jerking you from here to there. Yet leaving you oddly hollow, skin tight, eyes forcing themselves to stay open through what begins to feel like a meaningless shuffle for a cardboard crowd.

That’s how I feel today.

Tired.

Pointless.

Where’s the joy for life? The promise of something better?

Some days I feel like no matter how hard I try to climb my way out of this revolving door – I’m still here.

Still fighting.

For more.

Something better.

 

What to do?

I mean, we have so many options.

We could always give up, give in. Let depression bury us in a myriad of distractions, mind-numbing things we do because it’s what we always do and we’re just so tired and change is hard.

We could let anger turn into bitter resentments. Become a nasty human who only spreads misery, always has a reason to martyr themselves or explain why they’re not responsible or how it’s someone else’s fault.

We could go the illegal route. Hurt or exploit others for money.

We could slap on a fake smile and pretend everything is just dandy while inside we slip further and further into oblivion. Lying to ourselves.

Or we could keep fighting.

Hoping.

Trying.

Looking for the positivity.

Doing what we can.

Enjoying the little things.

The little successes.

Keep finding a reason.

 

You see, I think we search too much for the meaning of life.

We’re here. I think that’s all the proof or validation that we need.

I think the point is to live our own life as best we can, treating ourselves with dignity and love, and then trying to help others.

I think our purposes can change as we do. But if we’re not really living life, then we’re not living up to our potential.

 

Enjoying life is easier said than done.

I’m still depressed, sitting on the couch, wondering why I bother to write, since I haven’t finished a novel I like yet and haven’t been published yet and simply lack for direction in my life.

But it’s a low day for me. I recognize that. Yesterday was a great day. And the day before that. I’m going to exercise in less than an hour from now and I know that always elevates my mood. I still feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel, though.

The reason I’m telling you this is, I think we can feel so stuck, so miserable, and fight for so long – that it feels like nothing will ever change. That we’ll never fight our way to the top of our own struggles.

But we will.

We already have.

What was so hard to you three years ago that felt like it would never end? Something you’ve conquered?

We’re stronger than we think.

We’re allowed to feel tired and depressed and sick of always having to fight for what seems to come easily to others.

We just can’t let that keep us from living and enjoying our own lives in whatever healthy ways we can.

 

Everything is easier said than done.

There are days where we question the point of our existence. But I have a better question.

What’s the point of giving up?

woman-865021_1920

Stream of Consciousness

Schedule You In

Have fun! 

Today, add something fun into your schedule.

Seriously.

Make it a priority. Make yourself a priority.

Life is to be enjoyed, not rat raced to death. Not miserable and soaking in “shoulds”.

You deserve to have fun.

Today, search something fun out and simply allow yourself to let go and enjoy the fact that you’re alive and can do something that brings you joy.

soap-bubbles-83758_1280