Angry Letter

Today I don’t believe in magic.

I hate these days.

I’ve lived 27 years of bad news. Getting worse as I go.

Now I can’t eat, can’t run, can’t sleep, can’t record YouTube videos, can’t seem to care about writing or pick a story to tell or find any characters I care about.

I can’t find any meaning in my days and I hate waking up in the mornings.

I hate these days.

 

I’m optimistic, stubborn, committed, I love life and want so much more out of it, and I will not give up. I’m driven, moody, sarcastic, creative, and I thoroughly enjoy organizing and bringing joy to others.

Just, not today.

Today I’m exhausted and in pain.

Well, that’s pretty much every day.

But today I’m sitting under a magnifying glass. It’s hard to have a few things that bring you joy – jogging, writing, creating videos – and not being able to do any of them.

It’s hard to live inside a body that punishes me physically, emotionally, and visibly for eating.

Today I am tired of always losing.

 

All it took was one special order light bulb shattering and the tears flowed all too easily.

Like they’d been waiting for a chance to be set free.

I can’t help but wonder what the point to me is.

I’m tired of all the noise and the pressure and the failure.

I’m tired of seeing everyone around me fight and fight and fight and succeed. It doesn’t upset me that they succeed. It hurts that I’m still losing. Because I work hard, I fight, I find new routes, new plans of attack, new paths to take, new reserves of determination. And I don’t get better. I get worse. I watch the window of what I can do shrink.

I know this is probably just self-pity speaking. Probably very petty of me to talk about how some days it really stings to watch people around me work hard and get places.

But I’m tired of always caring about everyone else more than myself. I’m tired of caring about hurting another’s’ feelings regardless of what it does to me.

I’m tired of hearing people tell me, ‘don’t give up, just keep fighting, I had this problem with my ____ and I did this about it, and it worked! So just keep going, you’ll get there. You just need some faith.”

What the bloody hell do you think I’m doing?

I’m fighting tooth and nail to be able to EAT FOOD and not suffer for it! That’s a base need right there. And I’m fighting for it. Every day. All I do is work hard. All I do is fight and fail and get back up and fight more.

What do you think I’m doing? Sitting around and bemoaning life? No! I’m fighting to have a life!

I don’t think about me. I don’t think about how much I hurt. I think about contributing to the world, to those in my life. I think about brightening someone else’s day. Lightening their load. Only it’s gotten to the point where I can barely freaking think due to pain and lack of sleep.

 

I’ve never given up. Never thrown in the towel.

I’ve had to overcome so much. I’ve survived a lot. I hope it’s made me a stronger person, a kinder person, because this world can always use more compassion. I hope my suffering somehow helps someone else or helps me in the long run.

But I’m growing quite tired of wishing, hoping, believing, trusting – Only. To. Get. Worse.

 

I mean, think about that.

Imagine working to be the best version of yourself possible. As healthy and emotionally mature as possible. Help others as much as possible. Enjoy life, create, inspire. Spread some joy so maybe even though my life sucks right now, someone else can feel good about themselves and their life. No one deserves pain. No one deserves to have to fight to survive. We all deserve so much beauty and empathy and excitement for life! Imagine wanting to help.

Only to have your body fight against those things. Nope. Simple nope.

Every day.

 

We deserve brilliance. The capability to learn from our mistakes and make magic out of them. To breathe fire into our own souls and allow that warmth to trickle into someone else on their coldest day. To stand as a beacon to the lost. Return home to a peaceful, exciting life we’ve created.

I deserve these things too.

I feel like a bird that’s been tethered to the ground.

Trying furiously to rise above medical limitations so I can focus on the magnificence of my own life, the majesty of this world, the glorious multitude of possibilities, and the vast amount of incredible people.

But that tether won’t let go. Won’t loosen its grip. In fact, it’s getting tighter, pulling me lower.

And there are people flying around me telling me to believe in magic. It worked for them in a short time span.

They tell me to have faith, to believe – as if I don’t.

Don’t you realize you’re mocking all the fight I’m giving? Do you see how you’re putting my efforts down? As if doing more is what I need to do, because what I’m giving isn’t enough. Don’t you hear the patronizing tone you’re taking? Get off your high horse.

Try fighting the urge to eat and then suffering when you do, so you cannot function or do anything that brings you joy – and no matter what you do, what you try, you only get worse. Since childhood. No wins. No successes. Talk to me then.

 

To all you who are suffering and fighting and only seem to be getting worse – I know you’re fighting. I know you are trying everything you possibly can. I know you’re hurting and exhausted. I know you’re of the utmost value, an amazing human being with so much to offer and a challenge in life that keeps you from delivering it, or from enjoying your own life in even the simplest of ways.

 

And of course, since all I can think about is this possibly hurting your feelings (talking to everyone reading this) – don’t feel bad. You’re not who I’m talking about.

I know when people tell me not to give up, they mean what they say. Thank you. For your encouragement and inspiration. This letter splashing my anger in a messy haze isn’t to you.

I tell people not to give up, to keep fighting. Encouragement is not offensive or patronizing. That’s not what I’m talking about. Being someone’s cheerleader is one of the most freaking noble things ever! We need more of it!!!

I’m angry at the people who act like I must not be doing enough, working hard enough, searching for answers enough. The people who keep telling me that if I believed, if I had faith, it would all get better. Magic. *poof* Obviously, they reason, I’m just not trying hard enough or having enough faith. I must not be thinking positive thoughts. Like this is my fault and I need to just get over it.

Those are the people this letter is about.

If anyone thinks I’m being selfish or self-indulgent with my pity party… That’s nice. I’ve had just about enough uncalled for criticism.

For crying out loud I’ve fought all morning and afternoon. Only now am I so done. I have the right to feel gross, to feel cheated. To feel insulted by people telling me I’m not fighting.

 

I know tomorrow – or maybe even a few hours from now – I’ll be back to believing in magic. I’ll believe I can and will overcome this. I know I can and will. But right now, I don’t feel it, don’t believe it, you know? There’s a difference, between knowing and believing/feeling. Today all I feel is the pain.

So, I want to allow myself to grieve. For so much lost time and lost magic. I want to allow myself to feel angry at all those who think I’m not trying or believing things will get better. I am allowed to. Just like you.

I think it’d be inauthentic to never expose these days. Pretend I’m doing fine and plaster on a fake smile. What’s the point of sharing anything of me with you if it’s all going to be made up? Everyone has their days. Me too. We need to stop shaming each other over that.

 

I am fighting. I am keeping positive.

And I do believe. I have faith. I always have.

Just not today.

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Wretched

I wish

Truth

Wasn’t such an allergen.

 

That people didn’t shy from honesty

Like a flame edged sword.

 

I wish

Love

Was given in equal measure.

 

Not plucked from one

And doted on the favorite.

 

I wish

I wasn’t smiling

While my heart

My whole being

Cries

 

The most

Sorrowful

Sobs

Of loneliness

 

Of absolute

Mystified

Bewilderment

 

At how so much

Hate

Is slipped between

Our love

Like so much unimportance

 

We are killing each other

One apathetic gesture at a time.

 

I pray for something

More

Something

Real

 

And hope

With teeth clenched

Eyes squeezed shut

Hands of my heart, wringing

Like an innocent maiden

From long ago

Before everything was cheap

 

While I smile

A hollow smile

That we both know

Is fake.

 

 

By Daphne Shadows

Day 2: Fear – Lying by Omission

This is part of a 30-day challenge where I will record myself telling you something I’m afraid of, something I’m afraid for people to know, or tell you about something that I did that I was afraid to do that day.

I challenge you to do the same.

It’s freeing. To take what you’re afraid of and do it. To expose it. To expose all of who you are (not telling you to flash your neighbors) for people to see.

I feel we live in a world where people are trying to pretend to be someone they’re not on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and on and on. We put up this fake self so that people think we’re only this small portion of who we really are. So here is all of me.


 

DAY TWO

 

‘Who are you?’ said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, ‘I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’

‘What do you mean by that?’ said the Caterpillar sternly. ‘Explain yourself!’

‘I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, ‘because I’m not myself, you see.’

‘I don’t see,’ said the Caterpillar.

‘I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,’ Alice replied very politely, ‘for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.’

‘It isn’t,’ said the Caterpillar.

‘Well, perhaps you haven’t found it so yet,’ said Alice; ‘but when you have to turn into a chrysalis — you will some day, you know — and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel it a little queer, won’t you?’

‘Not a bit,’ said the Caterpillar.

Source: http://sabian.org/alice_in_wonderland5.php

 

What are you afraid of today? What fear is holding you back from the greatness in you? Remember, greatness doesn’t have to be large. It can be very small indeed. Yet touch the lives of many, perhaps only one soul, in a very, very large way.


 

Selling My Soul

I think becoming fake is too easy.
It’s falling down a hill, rolling off the side of a cliff. You build speed and keep going and going and going until *WHAM* you realize you just hit a solid rock floor and split into a zillion pieces of glass.
Or plastic. Whichever.
I think of fake and I think of plastic.
Anywho.
Dangle a bit of money in front of a person and we have a tendency to run head first in whichever direction it’s floating down, without realizing we let our brains bounce into the redzone. Autopilot.
We stop thinking, just start doing.
Granted, there should always be a bit of doing and not thinking in life – but that’s a very different sort of reasoning. Whole other bucket of worms.
We have a tendency to sell out.
To sell our souls.

Without giving it a single thought. Without stopping to analyze our own behaviors. We see a desired result and leap into action, without realizing that we can get that same desired result with our heads and hearts still intact.
It’s just easier if we shut them off, I suppose. Quicker to get what we want.
We shut off so easily.
And the evil cloud of bad mojo zinging through the universe (or whatever you believe) doesn’t even have to do much. We do.
We.
Stop.
Paying.
Attention.
We give in.

We run when we should first examine the path we’re on. If we did, we’d see the huge cliff we’re about to run off instead of the pots of gold leading up to it.
I don’t get it. It’s been on my mind lately. But I just can’t peg the piece of the puzzle I’m not seeing yet. Awareness happens in stages. Very slow stages.

(We’re also redundant and have to learn things over and over before they stick. But that’s a whole different story. I think. Everything is connected at some point, right?)

What is this mind numbing? This sudden anesthetic we give ourselves or allow to kick in when we’re not watching ourselves?
I think we aren’t aware of much. How often do we ask ourselves what we really value? What we want? How often do we examine our lives and ask ourselves if we like what we see, what we feel? How often do we look for our own soul and get in touch with who we really are? Do we notice when we begin to lose ourselves, even if whatever it is we’re doing started out right? Do we take into account that people change and that includes us and what we want/value/expect/desire/plan on achieving?
Or do most of us turn into a mindless zombie (and not the cool kind)? Seeing a desired outcome and stomping through life in a blind haze to get to it, when we could instead be genuinely living and still acquiring it? Can we tell when we’ve lost ourselves – before it’s too late?

I believe we can.
It’s all about choices. Awareness. Whether or not we’re ready to live genuinely and take scary risks, or remain safe and blind.
(but come on, who is really safe if they’re blind?)
I won’t be selling my soul any time soon. But the scary part – the really scary part is: taking a look at my life, becoming aware of things, realize how much I’ve been in the dark because of the abuse I’ve lived with. And then wondering, just wondering, as that sinks in, it sinks in that denial has ruled my life… will I notice if I sell my soul? Or can I pay attention to the person living inside my skin well enough to first learn who I am. And then watch myself well enough to stop myself from going numb – the numb that eats away at your heart and mind – and tumbling down the rabbit hole of doom?

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