your breath keeps fogging up my heart. fingertips charred, frostbitten heart, you need this. hope hurts but it’s the only game in town. and if my lungs can pretend I’m alive, we can make it on this tightrope. too far from the ground to know what’s up or down, bleed into it. dig in. electricity swimming through my nerve endings, a heady breeze stolen from the safety just out of reach.
I had my eyes closed when I tripped over your wings, blinked and you were gone. I’m dropping baggage and balancing on broken feet. try me. they already did, with gasoline in their veins and thorns in their embrace, but they fell to their own poison.
a kiss can never lie but death sure tries. and just before I flatlined, I felt it wake in me. a sleeping creature that met me as I fell, live flames in my mouth, jumper cables to my heart.
I was going to do a different post today, but dang. Today hurts.
Life is hard.
Give yourself more credit.
And when you mess up, because you WILL mess up, don’t hurt yourself more by hating on yourself.
I struggle with food, a lot.
I have a digestive disease that leaves me with only brown rice, grapes, strawberries, cauliflower, zucchini, avocado, chicken broth, and eggs to eat. Everything else will not digest properly and I end up in so much pain that I can’t function.
What’s the one thing trainers and nutritionists both agree with? Don’t go on an insanely restrictive diet, you won’t be able to sustain (stick to) it.
Well, they’re absolutely right.
So I break and eat things I shouldn’t.
And guess what happens then? Regardless of calories, I gain weight because my body can’t digest the food properly.
It’s been 7 years of this and I’m breaking. And it’s not the physical pain that get’s me.
I’ve gained 20 pounds and it hurts. Emotionally. I’ve dealt with a lot of abuse and chronic health issues and inability to do what I desire because of both, since a child. But this? Weight gain? I’d have to say it’s in the top 3 most painful things I’ve ever experienced.
Only, this pain attacks my identity, my sense of self, my self worth. Constantly. I don’t know how people handle it.
I’ve been in so much pain because of restless leg syndrome that I’ve honestly considered finding ways to knock myself unconscious. I’ve hallucinated because of lack of sleep due to this syndrome. It’s insane. I feel crazy. Picture the crazy Hollywood person in a white padded cell, pulling out their hair and slamming their head into the wall. That’s how RLS makes me feel.
If I had the choice to get rid of ONE thing? I’d choose the extra weight. I’d keep the migraines, I’d keep the nausea, I’d keep the bipolar depression which I can’t be medicated for, I’d keep the inability to run (the only time I used to feel free), the lack of sleep, the chest pain, I’d keep all my other health issues.
If I could get rid of the weight.
So, today or tonight, whenever you read this, if you’re struggling, I’d like you to know that you are strong. Even when you feel the absolute weakest. You can get through whatever you’re facing.
Tomorrow is a new day. Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn’t make us bad, evil, less than good enough, or gross. It makes us human.
And one thing humans have in common as a species? We adapt, we figure a way out, we survive, we overcome.
So last week I didn’t do any blogging or step into Twitter because I just
And you know what? People were pretty cool about it.
I just want to celebrate that for a moment.
We are a crazy society that sometimes causes pain out of thin air, makes bad situations worse, and uses hate to fight hate.
But we are also adaptable and beautiful and capable of healthy change. Of coming together and lifting one another.
Yeah, there are nasty people in this world. Hateful, bigoted, dangerous people who just want to spread pain and misery.
BUT there are wonderful people in this world, too. People who fight for what is right, people who would NEVER step on someone else to get higher up the ladder, who comfort those that need comfort, and mourn with those that are mourning.
There are lovely people who truly SEE those around them. Who support and lead and spread joy and hope in ways that touch hearts and invigorate minds.
A simple smile. Someone talking to you like you’re really there, like you’re human. A hug (when it’s welcomed). Someone to sit with you while you cry and just BE there.
There are wondrous human beings.
And there is hope. No matter how much life hurts. There is hope.
you’ll keep looking for a path, a light, an opening
don’t give up
don’t give in to the cold and the darkness so eagerly reaching its hands out to you, fingers outstretched, wanting you to curl up in a ball at the base of a gulf so wide and deep you’ll never find which way is up to crawl out
one breath at a time
one choice at a time
one footstep into the unknown you’re facing at a time
knowing you can handle whatever comes next
and no matter how much it hurts, stretches you, scars you – you are stronger