It’s funny.
The choices we make.
I swear, the moment I ask my Higher Power for help on something new, how to deal with it, how to gain it…
I immediately get a testing experience that will painfully help me out.
Like they say, careful if you ask the universe for patience – you’ll come upon a new experience in life where you’ll have to develop loads of patience.
I guess that’s why they tell us to be careful what we wish for.
When’s the last time this happened to you?
Take a vacation in depression. Don’t move in and live there.
Life doesn’t have a one size fits all path.
Adulting comes with instructions that don’t work.
Parenting is like putting together a puzzle with one piece missing.
It has been a painful past couple of weeks.
One hit after the other. In all different categories of life.
But I will tell you what. Sometimes pain has a way of cleansing you from the inside out. It’s like a fire that burns away all the cobwebs and dust, cleans the gunk that was stuck in the corners, as the flames flick off the outer shell you didn’t realize you’d developed.
Like the new pink, soft skin that grows after the scab has fallen off.
Clears up your perspective.
Shakes loose old habits or beliefs you didn’t realize you’d clung to.
I was planning on doing some fun research into the Egyptian Scarab beetle or Rafiki from The Lion King for my next post.
Sometimes life sneaks up on you in the form of a street sweeper and knocks you off your feet.
I kinda stood around dazed only to realize I wasn’t standing, I’d landed on my bum on the sidewalk and the leaves had already started falling on top of me like an all natural Fall coffin, before I’d become aware of it.
I feel like, if life was a street sweeper, it would have a crazy huge bumper with some wicked sign on the front, plastered atop a smirking smiley. There would definitely NOT be anyone behind the wheel. But I imagine a sweet smile plastered to the back.
Because aren’t we typically better off once life has knocked us off balance?
I am currently dusting myself off, enjoying the Fall leaves about me (yes, I know it’s not Fall, don’t worry I didn’t hit my head), and just glanced the smiley on the back of the truck before it turned the corner.
I’m fairly certain I’m still in Kansas but don’t quote me on that. I don’t know what street I’m on, because hey, life typically doesn’t tell us where it’s going to drop us. There are no tornadoes, small dogs, or sparkly red shoes, so I think it’s safe to say I’m conscious.
The question always lingers at this point. Where to now?
Smudges and all.
Arrogance frightens me. Not the arrogance of others. The idea that one day I could become arrogant. What horrid atrocities would that wreak in my life? Which disgusting tributes to pride would I commit? I don’t want to know.
Hi everyone!
So, I’m not dead.
I haven’t blogged in a month, but hey – life. It catches you, holds you captive, and only lets you look out the bars of your cage at the shiny bright outside world here and there, all the while charging you for your time and draining you of your soul.
Okay, so perhaps that’s not what’s been happening literally, but you get my point.
So – what to talk to you guys about?
Well, I do like this quote.
“Time passes in moments… moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed. But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?”
That’s Scully, in Season 7, Episode 17 of the X-Files.
What if we had brains like a computer and could pause and click on each moment, as a separate screen. Watch and re-watch the path of our lives, the decisions that brought us to each next step.
I think I’d be most alarmed by the amount of time my eyes were closed. How things began to change when I opened up to reality and the harsh but healing truth.
I’m glad I can’t do that. For many reasons. Looking back and freezing all those moments would be too much, I believe. For me anyway.
What about you? What would you find?
Are there moments, moments you can track and firmly say, ‘this is where I messed up’ or, ‘this is where I began to succeed’? Can you look back into your life and honestly say you were present for the part where you looked at the choices you had before you and then stepped onto your chosen path? Or were you led blindly by life’s, society’s, your parents’, your siblings’, your idolized friend’s, anyone’s – opinions, rules, and ‘because I said so’s? Did you follow the “shoulds”, instead of what was right for you? Did you allow the whirlwind of the world, the cacophony of voices, so many voices, drown you out until you weren’t even aware that your eyes were closed? Or that you had your own voice?
I hope not.
But if you did, you could always start now, you know.
I love stories where someone has been victimized or stories where someone has screwed up royally with no one else to blame but themselves, and then at age 30, age 40, age 50 – when the world tells them their life is practically over because they’re sooooo old (yet, life tells you you’re too young to do or know anything correctly and you’re basically just a joke if you’re 28… so apparently the only time life feels your life is validated and worthwhile is the whole year of 29….not sound reasoning here people) – they pick themselves up and begin.
Literally.
Their life begins there.
Why do I love stories like that?
Because it doesn’t bloody matter how old you are. If you have life in you still – then that’s just it! You have life in you still. So start now and start your own life.
What’ve you guys been up to the past month while I neglected the blog-o-sphere?
I’ve recently been checking out pepper sprays, healthy dog foods, and lunch containers. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a decent lunch container that will survive the fridge at my work and still keep my food un-squished? Freaking mind boggling. But I finally found one today! Yay! It’s stainless steel, so now it can beat everything else in the fridge up. Success!
Without giving it a single thought. Without stopping to analyze our own behaviors. We see a desired result and leap into action, without realizing that we can get that same desired result with our heads and hearts still intact.
It’s just easier if we shut them off, I suppose. Quicker to get what we want.
We shut off so easily.
And the evil cloud of bad mojo zinging through the universe (or whatever you believe) doesn’t even have to do much. We do.
We.
Stop.
Paying.
Attention.
We give in.
We run when we should first examine the path we’re on. If we did, we’d see the huge cliff we’re about to run off instead of the pots of gold leading up to it.
I don’t get it. It’s been on my mind lately. But I just can’t peg the piece of the puzzle I’m not seeing yet. Awareness happens in stages. Very slow stages.
(We’re also redundant and have to learn things over and over before they stick. But that’s a whole different story. I think. Everything is connected at some point, right?)
What is this mind numbing? This sudden anesthetic we give ourselves or allow to kick in when we’re not watching ourselves?
I think we aren’t aware of much. How often do we ask ourselves what we really value? What we want? How often do we examine our lives and ask ourselves if we like what we see, what we feel? How often do we look for our own soul and get in touch with who we really are? Do we notice when we begin to lose ourselves, even if whatever it is we’re doing started out right? Do we take into account that people change and that includes us and what we want/value/expect/desire/plan on achieving?
Or do most of us turn into a mindless zombie (and not the cool kind)? Seeing a desired outcome and stomping through life in a blind haze to get to it, when we could instead be genuinely living and still acquiring it? Can we tell when we’ve lost ourselves – before it’s too late?
I believe we can.
It’s all about choices. Awareness. Whether or not we’re ready to live genuinely and take scary risks, or remain safe and blind.
(but come on, who is really safe if they’re blind?)
I won’t be selling my soul any time soon. But the scary part – the really scary part is: taking a look at my life, becoming aware of things, realize how much I’ve been in the dark because of the abuse I’ve lived with. And then wondering, just wondering, as that sinks in, it sinks in that denial has ruled my life… will I notice if I sell my soul? Or can I pay attention to the person living inside my skin well enough to first learn who I am. And then watch myself well enough to stop myself from going numb – the numb that eats away at your heart and mind – and tumbling down the rabbit hole of doom?
