Stream of Consciousness

pinky promise?

promise me this

if you get lost

you’ll keep looking for a path, a light, an opening

don’t give up

don’t give in to the cold and the darkness so eagerly reaching its hands out to you, fingers outstretched, wanting you to curl up in a ball at the base of a gulf so wide and deep you’ll never find which way is up to crawl out

keep going

one breath at a time

one choice at a time

one footstep into the unknown you’re facing at a time

knowing

knowing you can handle whatever comes next

and no matter how much it hurts, stretches you, scars you – you are stronger

 

promise me

promise me

you will never give up

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Stream of Consciousness

You Won’t Understand When You’re Older

We got ripped off.

As kids, everyone was telling us that we’d understand when we got older.

Sure, I understand some more delicate things that kid brains don’t, but life in general? It’s gotten fuzzier, more complicated.

More vague, less defined.

The older I get, the more I’m exposed to, the more I experience – the more confusion rolls in with fogs of doubt and shades of grey.

I thought we’d make sense of things. Make sense of ourselves.

I feel like it’s the opposite.

Now, I just feel lost.

In the world and when it comes to my sense of identity.

 

Is there a tipping point?

Do I simply need to get older?

More experience?

Or is it truly a lie?

 

I think I may have just sniffed out some naive hope. That that tipping point will hit, I’ll come out the other side with some sense of what’s what.

 

Or perhaps there is no defining moment. No quota of life lived to unlock an inner sense of stability and knowing.

Maybe I have to figure this out, define myself for myself. Scrape away all the dead skin cells of pain and brainwashing and unhealthy neural pathways – and keep rebuilding.

 

But when will I stop feeling lost?

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Stream of Consciousness

Keep Going

If there is something you know you need to do – there is a way.

People might laugh, might mock, but the fact of the matter is this… If you know this is the right thing for you, this is your purpose, this is your path? Then you are 100% correct.

There might not be a clear step by step guide as to how to accomplish it. The odds may very well be against you. There might not be a single person on planet earth that believes in you.

That doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you do it. You work toward it, you keep picking yourself up after each mistake and road block and unseen complication – and you keep striving.

Keep going.

If it’s right, it’s right. That doesn’t mean easy or predictable. It means you’re meant for it. Go get it.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.”

Stream of Consciousness

Ideas for New Year’s Questions and Lists for Personal Growth and Change

A new year is coming. You know this. I know this.

We seem obsessed with starting over, having a clean slate, making changes, and making new goals at the end and beginning of a year.

I believe we can do this any moment of any day or night. But I honor every single person in this life that decides to try any of this at any time. Including those of us who go about the same newness at new year’s.

So here we go.

 

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I’d like to make some lists and ask myself some questions this new year. If you’re wanting to do the same thing but don’t know where to start – here’s what I’m going to do. Maybe it can give you some ideas or spark a similar desire in you.

  • Blame. Who do I blame for what? If I blame someone for all the bad stuff, I better blame them for the good stuff too. (Tony Robbins gave me this idea.)
  • Bucket List. Of sorts. I’m terrified to want anything. And so I don’t know what I want any longer. This year, I want to make a bucket list. I want to figure out what I want.
  • A goals list for this coming year (2020).
  • A goals list for the next 3 years.
  • A goals list for the next 5 years.
  • This year, I want to go through all of my old journals and read them. I’m terrified but I think it’s important. Then decide if I want to keep them or burn them.
  • I want to organize and de-clutter my half of the bedroom (my sister and I share a room) before January 1st 2020. This is the only one on this list I want to do before the new year arrives.
  • What do I blame myself for? How am I unkind to myself? How am I kind to myself?
  • Types of books I’d like to read. Books on body language, dogs, different culture’s mythology, books by Tony Robbins, gut books, psychology books, etc.
  • What have I done that’s working this year? What have I done that’s not worked this past year?
  • Habits I want to let go of. Habits I want to begin.
  • Use a daily check in journal so I can do a sort of emotional check in. I’m uncomfortable doing this because my emotional state is so messy and deeply negative sometimes and I feel ashamed of that.
  • I want to create some sort of mini-crate thingy to hold index cards with quotes on them. As well as getting my quotes off of my bookmarks and Pinterest.
  • I want to get back into meditation. It feels good.
  • What I’m afraid of. What would happen if those fears came true. What I would do. Worst case scenario. What if the absolute best thing happened?
  • What are the things that I allow to cause me to feel stress, anxiety, worry, depression, panic, and fear? Are those things actively causing me harm? What can I do that’s healthy to stop these things? In what ways can I cope in a healthy way with the things I cannot control?
  • How am I doing physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally? How do I want to be doing?
  • If I wasn’t afraid of hurting other’s feelings what would I do? What would I say?
  • What have I learned about myself this year?
  • What challenges have I faced and overcome? I never linger on this. I always hear that it would be a great idea and helps with depression. Do I do this? Nope.
  • What would I love to have finished by the year 2021 if I didn’t put realistic expectations on myself?
  • What is fun for me? What can I do for fun? I am not good at having fun – I don’t do it even though I know its what I need and is healthy. What do I want to do for fun? What can I realistically do to get myself to have fun?
  • What is my purpose?
  • If “real job” or “self-worth attached to job” didn’t exist – what would I be doing?
  • What would I like to spend most of my time on?
  • Is there any social media I can get rid of?
  • What can I make my morning routine? My nightly routine?
  • What does self-care mean for me?
  • How can I do something to stop giving into this character flaw: when I’m around people, I tend to take on their energy level and emotional state regardless of what I feel or think.
  • How can I do something to stop giving into this character flaw: I feel extreme physical and emotional pain when I say “no” or when I don’t do, feel, or want what people want me to do, feel, or want. I feel like I’m an evil, bad person and am doing the wrong thing.
  • And the one question I’ve never even bothered to try answering (because I feel it’s impossible) – what would I do if money was not an issue?
  • LASTLY – I’d like to print this out and actually pay attention to this blog post I just wrote. Instead of simply shaping the chaos inside me into words and letting it go. I’d like to actually act on this. All the knowledge in the world is useless without acting on it, integrating it into my life and habits.
  • Then (yes, I know, I said lastly but I wrote it, I get to break my own rules – writers kinda do that all the time), I want to write a blog post titled, “A Year of Learning” and be honest with myself and you.
  • Am I going to spend my life trying to survive or am I going to live intentionally, aware, and awake, consciously going in the direction of who I am to become and what I have to give?

 

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I don’t want to make these lists and answer all of these questions in the next few days before the next year begins. Oh no. That’d be impossible and pointless.

I want to answer these questions and create these lists over the next year. By year 2021 I want to have answers. I want to learn something about myself. I want to live my own life, instead of spend my days and nights in a distraction haze, trying to survive.

I’ve been a little lifeless this year here on my blog. It’s not because I don’t have a desire to write or be expressive. The reasoning is a little more depressing. I’m afraid. I’m swamped by stress to the point I can’t think straight or cope with anything in a healthy way. I’ve spent this year falling apart.

I want more. I want 2020 to be a year of rebuilding. Only, I get to choose the building blocks and I get to choose what I’m creating.

What are some questions and lists you want to make this upcoming year? What do you want?

Stream of Consciousness

Never Give Up

Let me put that better…

Always keep moving forward, always keep trying.

 

Whatever you’re struggling with today, you can handle it, I promise.

Even if it’s hard and it’s a struggle the whole time – you’re still winning.

I mean, seriously – what’s your track record?

You’ve survived every single bad day, horrid challenge, and painful experience. You’ve beaten all of your trials in life. You have a 100% success rate.

You’re still here. You’re still trying.

 

Don’t forget to pay attention to how much you’ve grown, achieved, learned, and succeeded at.

You’ve got this.

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Shadow Poetry

My Lips on Your Lungs

There isn’t black black-enough to cross it out.

Sitting like a king on the horns of doubt.

Does anybody know what I’m talking about?

 

If I set fire to the moon, would you notice?

Could I sacrifice my pain to see truth, to know this?

Misery is the only home I’ve had but it’s one I wouldn’t miss.

 

It’s a little crazy, isn’t it?

Grinning to ensure you fit.

It burns, doesn’t it?

 

Almost like the world wants us to live. But it doesn’t.

Realizing I’ve walked in the skin of someone I wasn’t.

Until I became you to stay away from what I mustn’t.

 

Mustn’t, little miss.

Good girls and boys all know this.

 

Mustn’t be a mess

Pretend you have no stress

Got society to impress

They might ask you to undress

Must always answer yes

And speak a little less

Win this game of chess

Ignore your heart’s abscess

Yes – you can breathe, I guess

(Just not in excess)

Climb to my your success

Must make everyone obsess.

 

I tired your way, discovered something –

I don’t want this life and I’m fighting.

Everyone ready? You might need better lighting.

 

I’ll undress alright, unzip my skin,

Drop it on the floor and let the horror settle in.

Pull up a chair, take a seat, I’m about to begin.

 

I’m a mess, I confess, no doubt about that.

Can’t just pull mental health out of a hat.

And something’s making it worse, let’s talk about that…

 

You want who I am to be the mask you used to see,

But that’s just not me and I’d rather be free.

Instead, I’ve started stepping into me.

 

You’re angry but that’s okay, I expected the worst.

But this shabby glass bubble, I’m going to shoot, it’s going to burst.

I need some space. My soul needs to be nursed.

Sometimes all this compassion makes me feel cursed.

I’m drowning in pain ‘cuz I never put myself first.

I wish all these wasted years could be reimbursed.

When I speak up now, it has to be rehearsed.

Feeling so spineless? Let me tell you, it’s the worst.

 

Have to climb a mountain just to open my mouth.

Always afraid the situation’s going to go south.

 

Then there’s this other part of me that wants everything to burn.

‘Cuz maybe if they hurt too, they’ll have to learn.

With their pretty plastic melting, with nowhere to turn,

Maybe they’ll remember some respect, some human concern.

 

If I’m honest though, sometimes I just want them to hurt.

Yeah, I know, it’s childish. I’m trying to divert.

No, I won’t smile and no, I won’t revert.

I’m thinking it’s time to draw some lines and assert.

 

Let me just slide it down like lace,

I won’t force but you’ll embrace

Or I’ll leave, erase every trace.

I’m using my own two feet if I’m running this race.

You can’t have my voice or my face.

Won’t sell my soul, get off my case.

Think I’ll eat it? You’re off base.

 

Won’t take it for the crowd or sit like a lady,

Won’t wait politely in line for a bowl of misery.

Think you can stop me? Then you never knew me.

 

Sewing my own skin now and it’s Mizz not missy.

You want into my life? Show me!

Think I should go back to pretending? Try me.

Think I’m too messy? I’m so not sorry.

Think I’m too open? Don’t follow me.

 

Throwing husks into the fire so I can see inside myself.

Taking all these voices off the shelf.

Going to work. Shattered mind won’t fix itself.

Watch me stitch them together into one self.

 

Double sided, bipolar, multiple personality,

Jekyll and Hyde. Yes baby, that’s me.

Normal to be more than one thing, you hear me?

 

Not enough whiteout to cover me up now.

You could probably extinguish me, but I’m not sure how.

Kill me but changing me’s not something I’ll allow.

Killing butterflies and making dignity bow –

That’s not for me, I’ll stop you somehow.

Bottom line is, you won’t have any part of me, I disavow.

 

Silly shadow eater, you thought I was done?

I’ve got my ribs to crack open and wars to have won,

Barbed wire to come open, velvet to slide on,

I’ve got my boots to lace up, some hearts to shake, hon.

Walls to break until your fears come undone,

I’ve got heavy nights to bleed through to meet the sun.

Oops – that’s not what you meant by some edible fun?

My lipstick on your lungs, I’ve got a reckoning to run.

 

By Daphne Shadows

 

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