Mourning a Loss

Do you remember the first words that fell off your lips?
Or the first thing that caused joy to well up?
I don’t.
Funny, the things we remember.
So important, our first steps.
Yet we never get to see them.
Remember the rush of our chubby baby legs working how we wanted.
Or our first words.
I wonder what mine were?
Maybe it’s better not to know.

So silly, the way we see ourselves.
Lost in memories and thought loops
Experiences we label and poke at (from an unsafe distance).
Staring into mirrors that distort
And ask the wrong questions.
Peering into eyes that hide behind plastic masks,
Use paint to hoodwink reality.

What do you remember?
I get these flashes.
I don’t want them.
My chest breaks in half
Everything is frozen in blazing nausea
And the world goes dark
They color my sleep in muddy hues
Robbing intimate moments of safety.
I got so sick
Sick of paying for others’ sins.
Confused body, still paying with sickly health.

The only things I remember, hurt.
I wish it wasn’t that way.
Wish I could hold happy childhood memories in my thoughts
Like little flakes of gold, suspended
Always there to infuse me with heart swelling snapshots.
The foundation all the healthy people have
The people who don’t fall apart every day.

But protection came at a cost.
My mom bought me gold flakes at a field trip once
I think they’re in storage.

I wish I could remember
The day I was born.
Fresh.
New.
Untouched.

I wonder what it felt like.

But if I tell…
If I tell, you might look at me
Like I’m made of porcelain, so easily broken
Or smothered in slime I can never remove
(Even though I didn’t put it there)
It infuriates me.
Perhaps if I hurt you, you won’t see me as weak
But I’m not a bully, so I’ll wait for you to hurt me first.
Silly memories, telling me you will.

I wish I could remember what I felt the day I was born.
Would I be the same person?
Would there be something at the center of me, holding me up?
Convincing me that I am solid and here and…
I wish I could remember.
What emotions flooded my body, the day I was born?
Can you take me back to the beginning, before everything became broken?

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I. Don’t. Know. (In other Words – I Have No Freaking Clue but I’m Trying to Find One)

So…. This is me writing a blog post.

Not really.

This is me staring out into space, clicking on new song after song to the point that I’m so desensitized by the sound of new music that I’m not even sure how to figure out if I like a song or not.

This is me holding two different writing books, one of them open with the cover facing me, because I’ve felt inspired to read them. But I can’t quite seem to grasp much.

This is me watching re-runs of NCIS and wondering what I’m going to cook for dinner for the crazy masses. Because the Great Food Person is stuck on *blank*.

This is me looking at bookmarked quotes, and again, feeling desensitized to the point of wondering if I even like that quote. Does it have that spark? Or am I just losing touch?

This is me doing, I don’t know what.

I haven’t written in over six months. I’m finding it’s a good thing. I’m starting to see, in this non writing excursion of the brain, that it truly, really, desperately is a part of me. I’ve just lost how to take what’s inside me and to put it onto paper. I’ve lost touch with how to breathe life into the stories in my mind. Instead, I basically take a cut and dry plot of what I’m supposed to write and rigidly stick to it. I’ve figured that part out. Now the part I gotta jump on? The figuring out how to write like Daphne Shadows part.

I’ve lost touch all right.

With me.

What’s that quote? You are a soul and you have a body. I’ll have to look that up so I can give credit. And quote it correctly.

Sheesh.

I’d say it’s been one of those days, but that’s all I’ve got to say lately, it seems.

“Been one of those days.”

What does that even mean, really?

That I’m lost inside somewhere, waving a white flag, hiding behind a rock, and wondering when the blood will stop pouring?

Maybe that’s not it.

Maybe I’m wondering when the blood will start pouring.

Or dripping.

Or damn, just start bleeding at all.

Don’t they say you have to lose yourself, get totally, fabulously and hilariously lost before you can find yourself?

Okay.

Well then.

I’m ready.

Let’s go!

Now!

……

Now!

……

….

Whoever “they” are, they forgot to tell me about the ‘meantime’ in their little spiel of knowing everything about everyone, ever.

I don’t think they leave out the things we REALLY NEED TO KNOW on purpose… okay, yeah, I think they leave it out on purpose, just to torture us.

I feel like my days are a consistent, ‘still clueless, working on it, learning, figuring it out, but not entirely sure what I’m doing or when I’ll ever be healthy, but I’m functioning and life is getting better’.

That’s good, right?

Right.

It’s better than what was.

But what do you do when you’re throwing all the garbage out, day by day, as you find the things you’re thinking, the rules you’re living by are just that, garbage… what do you do when you’re just left only one honest thing: I don’t know.

It’s a sort of blankness.

An honesty which is asking a question, but knows it’s still too vulnerable to ask it of anyone.

And why ask someone on the outside?

Don’t I know me?

Not really.

I don’t really know myself at all.

I’m in here somewhere, I’m certain of that. The tricky part is the finding of myself, one sliver at a time. It takes time. Ugh. It takes so much freaking time.

Who put a time limit on it?

I did.

I put pressure, rules, ideals, beliefs that do nothing but hurt me.

Who cares where I got them. I’m using them on myself. That’s all that matters anymore.

I’m not good with messy when it comes to my knowing, my ability to be a perfectionist in all that I do and all that I show the world. But that’s just so damn fake. And I am so very tired of fake.

Messy is how it is. It’s all I’ve got. And I keep fighting tooth and nail to be more, to be better, to be prefect.

I’m finally realizing that I can’t do that.

Can’t be that.

No one can.

I think I have this picture in my head of how this world is but it’s utterly and madly incorrect. Laughably so. So naïve. Or ignorant. I’m not sure which. Maybe both.

I guess…

What do I want out of life?

I guess until I can answer that question, nothing will make much sense.

There are so many questions I’ve never asked myself. So many questions I don’t even know. It’s always been, ‘What does life want out of me?’

My advice? Don’t ask yourself that. It’ll screw you up in both the heart and the head.

Maybe, what do I feel? Or better, what makes me feel? No, that’s not the right wording. … Jeeze there’s a lot of these: …. What are those things called?

WHAT KIND OF WRITER CAN’T REMEMBER THE FREAKING LABEL FOR:

…..

o.0

Bleh!

What causes me to feel something authentic?

There. That’s the question.

What causes me to feel?

Bloody hell – what do I feel? When do I feel?

Good questions.

My fingers are freezing. My hands are freezing. Maybe I am feeling a little cold. It’s strange to be a stranger inside your own skin. I think that’s a song or something. Whatever. Its true.

Do you ever think we’ve over used and cheapened things to the point that what is cliché shouldn’t be? It merits being real but we’ve killed it. Buried it. Laugh at it. I think the only thing that’s real that isn’t cliché at this point is love. And even that has spins and takes that are cliché now.

Anyway. I don’t know what’s going on in my head. Everything inside my chest is confused, conflicted. All the wires are crossed. What’s supposed to be beautiful is sticky with blood that hasn’t dried yet. Lines are being drawn inside me, and they’re not where I thought they’d be. Maybe they are. Maybe I knew this was coming. Perhaps that’s why I pretended not to see.

Does that mean the pain of denial is simpler, easier, than the pain of learning to live?

I don’t want it anymore.

My heart pounds and I’m so unsure, uncertain. But its better this way. It’s right.

So what if I make a fool of myself. At least I’ll feel something along the way.

 

By the way, here’s that quote: “You don’t have a soul, Doctor. You are a soul. You have a body, temporarily.” It’s by Walter M. Miller Jr. and is often mistakenly said to have been said by C. S. Lewis.

 

This photo is from like two years ago, but I find its totally relevant.
Daphne Shadows. This photo is from two years ago, but I find its totally relevant.