Stream of Consciousness

Life is Weird…and Contradictory

So are people.

I know I am.


I don’t really understand how I can be really low, totally depressed or suffering AND really optimistic and hopeful, feeling kinda pretty good.

But I can. Doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Humans are a lot more complicated than I think we give ourselves credit for.

If we feel more than one thing – we *must* be crazy, with multiple personality disorder or something. Did you know they changed the name of that disorder quite a while ago, to “dissociative identity disorder” or DID? I wonder why they change the names of things so freaking often and no one seems to know.

Anywho, we can feel a huge range of emotions at once. We can be more than one thing at a time. I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s been a foreign ideal to me before now.


I get so tired of people telling me that if I were emotionally unstable, I wouldn’t be able to hide it.

Don’t tell me that.

I am a walking act.

All my painful secrets stay inside.

I haven’t known how I could be anything but ‘happy’ and still feel what I feel, hiding it all the while.

I’m optimistic, I’m hopeful.

But that is not all that I am.

Don’t tell me that if I’m bubbly, smiling, or kind, that I can’t possibly be in pain, physically and emotionally. Don’t tell me, when I open up to you, that this isn’t possible.

Why are people so willing to take everyone at face value and so unwilling to believe that there’s ANYTHING, something, beneath the surface???

I thought I was working on all of this stuff but I found I haven’t even made a dent. I guess getting really sick is good. Health failing obviously equals that something is wrong. It just takes a lot of pain to wake me up.

Then again, I am human. I guess human beings have to realize something over and over again until something pings in just the right way that we’ll believe, too.


The holidays ran me over and have been dragging me down lollipop infested roads. So perhaps I’ll have something more to say next month. 😉

On that note, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Try not to eat yourself to death. Or children. Don’t eat children either.




Stream of Consciousness

How to Live

I’ve been shoved under the impression that if I felt emotion, became emotional for any reason, even if I was completely justified, I had reason to be embarrassed, ashamed.

Stupid, right?

Pretty damn.


Seeds + Water = Blossom. Water = Emotion.
Seeds + Water = Blossom. Water = Emotion.


You’re born. You exist.

And what is the point of existing, again?

To live.

How do you live? For starters, you cannot merely ‘exist’ if you want to live. You have to really live your life.

So where’s the how-to -manual?

There isn’t one. You just have to live. Day by day, heartbeat by heartbeat. And its bloody hard.

Its centered around one thing. You. And not the superficial you that you present the world.

What’s inside you? What you feel, what you desire, what gets you out of bed smiling and apprehensive and motivated in the morning. It’s that twinge of happiness inside and comforting excitement that zings through you as you think about what you’re about to do, where you’re going, why your day has meaning to you, purpose.


Life is hard. Life sucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I get it better than most. I’m living it. I’m twenty-one years old and I’m more jaded and realistic than people twice my age.

But I’m also optimistic, stubborn, idealistic, driven, a dreamer, and persistent. I know what I want and I cling to that. I hold tight when everything’s gone to hell and back and checked back in with its not-so-seasonal-pass. I smile. Regardless.

And that’s a pretty good way not to lose yourself. Don’t let go of those deeply imbedded desires, dreams, needs, wants, those things which you know make you – you. They define you, drive you. And they only go away if you burry them, and even then, they’re still inside you, buried – sure, but there nonetheless.

Ignore a wound, it festers. Ignore who you are, and the results will be more deadly. You’ll exist. But you will never live.


Balance. It's helpful. Get some.
Balance. It’s helpful. Get some.


Find your balance. Don’t be overemotional or let your emotions rule you. But don’t smother them either. Live your life. It’s kind of pointless if you’re wasting your breath. Lungs only work so long. Everyone dies. I want to live before it’s my time to shake hands with death.


If you’re ashamed of being healthily emotional, you might as well be ashamed of being human. Lemmings are so much more agreeable.


To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

– Oscar Wilde


It’s really freaking hard to live!

You have to fight tooth and nail to ask yourself who you are and why and if you’re in accordance with what and who you want to be and where you want to be headed on a daily basis. You have to keep yourself in check. I find being honest with myself about why I’m doing what I’m doing and taking into account what I want and why, is something I have to remind myself to do. I have to remind myself to think about it! It doesn’t occur to me to wonder what I want until I’ve already bypassed the whole thinking part of the situation. Then I’m left wondering, once again, how I allowed myself to become so brainwashed to the point that I never even take into account what I want or how I feel.

Don’t ignore your emotions. Months or even years later you’ll be living in a hotel wondering what you want to do. And you won’t know. You’ll be as emotional as your pillow, stuck, staring between your computer screen and the book you’re reading, wondering when you’re going to figure out what you’re supposed to do now.

You won’t know. You’ll have no direction. Because the you you smothered, won’t really exist any longer. Ironic, isn’t it?


Humans are meant to have motivations. Motivation comes from desires. Desires are emotions.

Just saying. I’d rather be myself during a hellish part of my life than to have a crap life and be breathing for absolutely no reasons of my own.

Unless you’re Barbie, life is going to suck, regardless. Doesn’t it make more sense to make sure it’s a life you want to live?


Ironically, getting a hold on your emotions gives you clarity, balance.
Ironically, getting a hold on your emotions gives you clarity, balance.