Stream of Consciousness

Right Now Hurts

I was going to do a different post today, but dang. Today hurts.

Life is hard.

Give yourself more credit.

And when you mess up, because you WILL mess up, don’t hurt yourself more by hating on yourself.


I struggle with food, a lot.

I have a digestive disease that leaves me with only brown rice, grapes, strawberries, cauliflower, zucchini, avocado, chicken broth, and eggs to eat. Everything else will not digest properly and I end up in so much pain that I can’t function.

What’s the one thing trainers and nutritionists both agree with? Don’t go on an insanely restrictive diet, you won’t be able to sustain (stick to) it.

Well, they’re absolutely right.

So I break and eat things I shouldn’t.

And guess what happens then? Regardless of calories, I gain weight because my body can’t digest the food properly.

It’s been 7 years of this and I’m breaking. And it’s not the physical pain that get’s me.


I’ve gained 20 pounds and it hurts. Emotionally. I’ve dealt with a lot of abuse and chronic health issues and inability to do what I desire because of both, since a child. But this? Weight gain? I’d have to say it’s in the top 3 most painful things I’ve ever experienced.

Only, this pain attacks my identity, my sense of self, my self worth. Constantly. I don’t know how people handle it.

I’ve been in so much pain because of restless leg syndrome that I’ve honestly considered finding ways to knock myself unconscious. I’ve hallucinated because of lack of sleep due to this syndrome. It’s insane. I feel crazy. Picture the crazy Hollywood person in a white padded cell, pulling out their hair and slamming their head into the wall. That’s how RLS makes me feel.

If I had the choice to get rid of ONE thing? I’d choose the extra weight. I’d keep the migraines, I’d keep the nausea, I’d keep the bipolar depression which I can’t be medicated for, I’d keep the inability to run (the only time I used to feel free), the lack of sleep, the chest pain, I’d keep all my other health issues.

If I could get rid of the weight.


So, today or tonight, whenever you read this, if you’re struggling, I’d like you to know that you are strong. Even when you feel the absolute weakest. You can get through whatever you’re facing.

Tomorrow is a new day. Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn’t make us bad, evil, less than good enough, or gross. It makes us human.

And one thing humans have in common as a species? We adapt, we figure a way out, we survive, we overcome.