You tiptoed into my soul without my say so, slinging all these empty glass jars out of my closet and into my rib cage, breaking the siren song of eternal silence against the wall of this slippery, pumping, bloody mess that keeps me alive.
That’s a falsity. You didn’t tiptoe. You brushed your fingers through the sand, dug them into my scalp, kicking up all these embers until I was choking on the smoke of my own madness. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.
I don’t know if I should smile ’til you’re on your knees or batter up and swing, let you burn inside my skin or bury you under your audacity to waltz into my heart.
So I’m standing on a doorway, sleeping under a fence, waking in between, drowning in the liminal. Fire dripping off my lips, teeth bared, trying to get a hold on reality. there’s a blurry sign somewhere but I’ve gone blind under the weight of the unknown. patience isn’t my thing, you see. dangerous, to make me wait.
I am neither walking on sunshine nor hunting the darkness to render my nightmares broken and this is confusing to me. I am not that way on a normal day.
So what’s me? The parts you don’t see:
I’m a wild animal, sweet and carefree until you realize I’m a predator and you’re all alone, where you’ve given yourself over to me, signed before you saw me. straight for the kill and you’ll learn. oh, you’ll learn. I am a wildfire you asked for but didn’t expect. I am the lightning scorching the darkness in the tornado outside your door. I am sweeping the blood from your veins and sending mmmmmm down your spine. I am the monster gripping your breath as you slide your feet back under the covers in the middle of the night. I am the last thing you feel, an inch of steel in your throat, before you can’t open your mouth anymore.
and suddenly, I am…
I am unsure if I’m going to hurt because of you or love you
silence becomes blaringly loud if you’re willing to hurt enough to hear it.
this sorrow can’t eat into my bones any further. but then you turn your back on me and i’m riddled with hollow marrow. my cells turn on themselves.
this isn’t supposed to hurt but my skin is burning with the cold of your emptiness.
this wasn’t a nightmare. how did you do this? break this so fully? can’t the sun hit my heart enough to bring me back? from the edge. from the moment. the moment i forget how to boil my own blood until i can speak through lips i own.
they poked holes in our walls so they could siphon our voices. and pulled down time to remove our choices. but we remembered our nightmares and made them our soldiers. took to the night and stood on their shoulders.
they scoffed from their pretty plastic houses and ordered us dead from their plush designer couches. not a finger, no, not a one. they needn’t lift to get anything done. they forgot all the danger, all the danger in their lies. ignoring the downtrodden’s desperate cries.
we never forgot what it meant to survive. never a chance, not one, to thrive. but survive pain we could do and do it well, no matter what new challenge, new ambush, new Hell.
we took to the streets and remembered our names, they covered us in deceit and burned us with flames. we took back the matches and rose from our ashes. stalked through their perfect and broke through torn patches.
inside their lofty mansions with stolen rations, they laughed and they jeered. outside in the cold, we struggled and feared.
but every little lie, causes a rift. and every empty promise comes with a gift. because inside our emptiness, we called on a light. and with it, you see, we won this fight.
little did they know, we fight every day. with the poison in our blood and the stones in our way. we fight our own minds each time progress rewinds. and fight our own demons as each day begins.
we choose from our hearts, we choose from our mind. not a piece of plastic nor mask will you find. because we already learned, we already know. what we hide is where we’ll grow. and vulnerable hurts, yes, but it’s better than their mess.
so they can come with their arrows and come with their spears. we’ll show up in armor we stole from our fears.