Stream of Consciousness

Happy Birthday to a Dead Man

I deleted an email once.

I regret it now.

Now that I think about it, there were two emails that I wish I would have saved.

One of them tied me to him, and both of us to family who came before. Funny how that never seemed important to me. I grew up in an abusive home. Love wasn’t something I associated with family. Consequently, family history was NOT something I understood.

An urge to connect with family before my family …. why was that a good idea? Simply leads to more souls born into families who broke and brainwashed them so that they could then go on to do the same to their children, and so on and so on.

But now I find I’m simply curious. I found a photo of his mother. And I wondered… Who was she? What was she like? Was she tough love or sweet, strict or a secret grinner? Did she like to ride horses? To sing? How did she treat him? What did he think of her?

I guess I won’t find out until I too, am dead and gone from this probationary life.

If I had kept that email…

He sent photos of relatives. People who tied him to people. So they tied to me too.

Curious now. I don’t really know exactly what I feel or what I think entirely. Simply curious.

 

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“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.”

C. S. Lewis

 

The second email tied his compassion for me to my spine. Forever wrapping me in the certainty that what was important to me, was important to him.

It was a list.

One I wish I had now.

Nothing huge. But important to me.

You see, Papa was great at psychology. He sent me a list of all the best to read if I was interested in psychology. I was. But I didn’t have eyes to see or ears to hear. I had no heart to feel with, to live with. I was slowly shutting down. Done with living inside a porcelain suit.

Here I am now, regretting that deletion. I am interested in it again. Want to breathe life into the marrow I carry.

I’m left remembering a list in an email that I can never get back.

 

Grief is funny like that.

The things we remember.

I wanted to make an upside down pineapple cake. It was his favorite. Today is the first birthday of his where he is there and I am here. On two different sides of the veil. I don’t have the money though. Perhaps Christmas then. Or Thanksgiving. Yeah. I think that’s a better idea anyway. I’d prefer to eat it on a happier day. One where we can celebrate.

Not that his life isn’t worth celebrating. But it’s the first birthday where he isn’t here, you know? There’s too much grief still. It seems to creep over the good memories and tint them in something grey and

 

He was a great cook. Was a professional chef for a while.

He would have had the best recipe. Would’ve known to teach me the best way to cook it.

Why didn’t I ask him?

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Happy birthday Papa. 83 years today.

I will see you again. You’re in trouble then. Stuck teaching me all your cooking and psychology tips.

See you then.

 

“I think about her everyday. It does get better, Hotch. Losing someone is never easy… but one day, you’ll remember her and you won’t hurt.”

Jennifer Jareau from Criminal Minds

Stream of Consciousness

I Dreamt I was Loki

It’s true.

I had a dream I was Tom Hiddleston as Loki.

Don’t worry, it’s not the first time that I’ve dreamt I was a dude. The first time that happened, I was Will Smith.

Which is weird, considering I like being a chick.

*shrug*

Perhaps it’s a writerly thing.

 

Anywho… back to me being Loki.

*wiggles eyebrows*

 

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credit: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1089991/mediaviewer/rm29087744

 

The entire human species was on a living ship in the depths of the ocean. I say ship and not submarine because somehow it was a bloody ship and we weren’t covered in water even though we were submerged in it.

It’s a dream. Run with me here.

Something was causing a huge hole in the bottom of the ship, which was allowing water to actually get into it. Or onto it. Whatever. Hole in the bottom – death by drowning looming on the human race.

Loki (me) was trying to help Captain America and Thor fix the issue. In the beginning of the dream Loki was a bad guy but by this point he (me) is an anti-hero. So, a good guy. Trying to save all the people.

Glad you’re all caught up. Moving on.

Then my grandma is in the dream, and she’s in one of the bottom levels of the ship (it has loads of levels, because you know, entire population of world stuffed in there) and her dog (she doesn’t have one in real life) is dying. She was above her sleeping area in another level at the time of the hole being created and escaped with a lot of others.

She called me (Loki) to save her dying dog. (I think he was dying of old age.)

Loki gets to the dog but then my grandma, still on the phone (because apparently cell reception in the middle of the ocean in a ship that doesn’t let in water while being fully submerged, is great!) decides she doesn’t want me to risk my life by trying to get her dog, since her dog is dying soon anyway. I, Loki, was like, just because your sweet little fluff-ball of a dog is going to die, doesn’t mean his remaining life doesn’t matter. And he shouldn’t die alone. So Loki saves the dog.

Then the dream does dream like stuff and skips ahead. I’m still Loki but now we know that the hole in the huge ship was caused by The Villain of this dream – and now we know who that is.

Captain America and Thor try to fight off the Villain in an end-of-the-movie-like-showdown.

Human lives hanging in the balance. *drama*

 

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credit: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1089991/mediaviewer/rm1108651008

 

Captain America and Thor are fighting against the Villain and they get thrown to the ground in dramatic movie fashion after hitting each other really hard.

*rolls eyes* This is in my subconscious, don’t forget.

Then the Villain isn’t the Villain anymore.

The Villain is Loki, lying there all beat up and disillusioned.

It becomes apparent to me (in the way dreams just let you “suddenly know” things because it’s in your own bloody head) that Loki and the Villain share the same body. Two different beings, one body. And Loki didn’t know this until just now. Neither did anyone else.

Captain America looks at Thor. “Two beings in one body. That’s a problem.”

Or something like that. It sounded cooler in my dream.

They both look at Loki, who says, “You know the only way to kill him is to kill me.”

And you know what the sad thing is?

Captain America and Thor don’t even try to figure something out. They just nod at one another, then Loki, and walk forward with the intent to kill him. And Loki just sits there.

Then I woke up.

 

You know what the actual sad part of this is?

I realized I’m not just Loki in this dream. I’m Captain America and Thor too.

Because I am always the one to give up on me. I never stand up for myself or my dreams. I never say, “wait, we can figure this out so I can live too”. I never try to be my own friend or protector. Never try to understand or help out or wait for.

I am always trying to pretend it is outside forces that keep me from writing or exercising or making the changes I want to make and becoming the person I dream of being.

But it’s not.

It’s me.

I’m pointing at Captain America and Thor – but it’s me, Loki.

Just sitting there. Knowing I will give up on myself and just waiting to die some more inside.

 

My being Loki was interesting to me.

Loki and the Villain in one body. That’s a whole can of worms for me. Yes, I’m my own worst enemy, but it goes further than that for me. Yes, I am bipolar and at odds with myself, and moody, but still. More to it.

But you’d have to understand my relationship with the character Loki before knowing all the meaning the dream holds for me.

I’ve liked Loki the Trickster long before the Marvel movies. I love mythology and tricksters just kinda do it for me. Plus Loki in the recent movies was unloved and treated poorly, then became evil and terrible as a coping mechanism. There’s a whole list of reasons Loki is relatable to me. (Not that I plan on becoming arrogant and murderous.)

I also particularly like Captain America because he always does the right thing, whether that means standing alone or not. No clue why Thor was in there. Not that I don’t like him. There are loads of heroes and versions and mythologies and let’s not get into that because it would be never ending. I just love superheroes and mythology.

 

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credit: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262635/mediaviewer/rm515883008

 

I’m certain there are tons of interpretations behind this dream.

I figured if I wrote it out for all to see, I’d think about it more, instead of ignore it. Because ignoring myself is something I do FABULOUSLY.

But I’m hearing from many sources – including psychology sources – that dreams are a lot more our brain and a lot less wishy washy things to be ignored. So if my subconscious is trying to tell me something, I’m trying to listen. This week anyway.

 

Just so you know – I don’t think it comes across in this post – I actually really enjoyed the dream. And I woke up in a good mood. Its like a symbolic, mythological, superhero, metaphorical map of my subconscious.

 

What do you guys think my dream means?

Had any interesting dreams lately?

Obsessed with mythology?

 

(As for my grandma appearing in my dream, that’s personal.)

Fun Stuff/ Research

‘Life is But a Dream’ Meaning

Most nursery rhymes and fairy tales have a disturbing background and meaning. So when my siblings and I were lying around in my room and we started singing ‘Row your Boat’, I figured it’d have some demented origin. Like rowing to your doom, being drowned or being forced down a path to your own beheading.

Surprisingly, this one has a good meaning. And when I looked it up, I was smacking my forehead. Because I already knew what it was a metaphor for. What can I say? Sometimes I forget it’s not all burning people to death and water dragons.

Duh. I love the meaning behind this nursery rhyme.

It’s a metaphor for life. We all agree on that. But there are multiple theories on how to break it down, what each object and line mean.

There are two main ideologies and a few random thoughts on specific verses.

 

Dory

 

ONE

Your boat = your life.

The stream = time. Water is always moving, so is time.

Row, row, row = you’re constantly rowing, constantly moving through life, constantly working at it. You don’t just row for a little while and then rest. Uh-uh. No breaks. No rests. Life. Keep moving.

Gently = It’s not a race. You aren’t racing toward the end – um, your death –are you? Gently row through life, don’t hurry. It’s the trip (life) not the destination (death).

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily = attitude, personality, character. How you look at things, positive versus negative, optimist versus pessimist. Be happy, be passionate on the way. They say attitude is everything. Enjoy your life, enjoy the ride.

Life is but a dream = Dream or nightmare, we have the ability to choose what our life will be. We cannot decide what happens, but we can decide who we are, what we become, how we react, how we cope. It’s our life, our dream. And our choice.

 

TWO

Boat = body. It’s the vessel for your movement, changes, growth, learning, development, awareness.

Row, row, row = you have to work for what you want in life, have to apply effort to get where you want to go. Unless you row, your boat won’t go anywhere. Be careful of distractions that could pull you away from your goal. But don’t be so focused, have such blinders on, that you don’t remain open to change, to life, to possibilities.

Gently down the stream = let go of the past, move toward your future. Row gently because to push or force or fight the natural direction your life is leading you will only create stress and upset.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily = you may already have it hard. Don’t make it worse. Water can be rough but you can get through. A negative attitude will not help, in fact, it will make things worse. Use the challenges you face to make you a better person.

Life is but a dream = touches on the dreamlike state of reality. The world is physical around us, yet thoughts and emotions change, shift, alter, transmutation making something less physical, solid. Dreamlike.

 

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RANDOM

  • Row, row, row your boat:

You have to row your own boat. No one else’s. Don’t try to control other people. Control yourself.

Rowing takes skill. Practice makes perfect.

When someone is rowing on their own, it implicates free will and the choices they make that decide which paths they take.

When rowing with others, it touches on the need to work together, in unity to reach the intended goal.

  • Gently down the stream:

Force creates resistance. Don’t resist if you can flow along with the water’s natural path and make something of it. This is different than fighting the challenges, the bumpy stream’s road.

  • Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily:

Take challenges in stride, meet them with a joyous attitude and a smile. Go with the flow.

This is not a rehearsal, not a dry run, not a trial run before the real thing. This is the real thing. You might as well enjoy it. Don’t waste time being upset longer than need be or by holding grudges when you could be happy instead.

  • Life is but a dream:

So stop making it a nightmare.

It has religious overtones of how life is simply the dream before the consequences/rewards.

Life is only a dream, not real. Everything you do is meaningless. (I don’t like this one.)

Life is a short moment. Only a dream when compared to our eternal soul’s existence.

 

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YOUR LIFE

With that in mind, remember that it’s talking about your life for a reason. Ask yourself;

Row, row, row your boat.

Where are you going? Are you headed where you want to be headed? Are you working for what you want? Are you trying to control someone else’s life (with good or bad intentions)? Are you trying to control things you know you can’t/shouldn’t? Are you trying to race through your life? Are you learning, growing, achieving what you want? Are you open to positive change? Open to new paths?

Gently down the stream.

Are you fighting things for the sake of fighting them? Are you fighting for what you believe in without being cruel or self-destructive? Do you approach your life with hope? Have you worked through and let go of your past? Are you enjoying the journey, the process, whatever it is that you’re doing right now? Are you hurrying through things you could instead be enjoying? Are you flexible when things change? Do you adapt well to change?

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.

Are you happy? Why or why not? Are you holding grudges or focusing on the negative to the point that you’re creating your own heartache? Are you approaching things with a positive attitude? Do you try to find the silver lining? Are you passionate about what you’re doing? Are you aware that regardless of trials, pain, suffering and challenges, there is always hope?

Life is but a dream.

There are three definitions of a dream :

1: “a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.”

2: “a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.” “an idea or vision that is created in your imagination and that is not real”

3: “something that you have wanted very much to do, be, or have for a long time”

Are you helping your life to be a dream or a nightmare? How can your life be more dreamlike; what would you need to do/achieve/change to shape your life into a dream – your dream? Are you making the right choices for yourself? If your life is a nightmare, what can you do to work toward bettering it?

 

Boat

 

Row, row, row your boat,

Gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is but a dream.

 

Just remember: Water is rough but boats are tough.

 

What does this rhyme mean to you? Do you have a favorite metaphor?

 

Sources: http://dictionary.reference.com/ and http://www.merriam-webster.com/