Dominate and Eradicate Self-Hate

Good morning. 😃

I do hope you are feeling well and know you are loved.

I’m getting ready for work and simply wanted to pop by and remind you that you are fabulous!

You can totally crush this day. Whatever is presented to you – whether new or old hat, easy or something you’re not certain you can do – you can do it.

You are worthy, good enough, lovable, capable, and stronger than you give yourself credit for.

After all life has thrown at you, you are still here and trying. That means you have a 100% success record.

Never give up on yourself. Even if others do. You keep stretching toward your dreams and hopes and never compromise your standards and values.

You are not alone.

We have got this.

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Find Your Wise

Okay, not wise.

Why.

*eye roll*

Forgive a goofy writer her wordplay.

*wink*

 

We’re pretty familiar with a situation like the following:

A person tells you how great you are.

You don’t believe them.

Said person is then miffed as to why you don’t believe them. Why can’t you see how awesome you are, they wonder.

 

Most of us have been on one end of this conversation. Many have been on both sides.

We’re living in a world where we hear things like the following much too often:

They kept texting her to kill herself, so she did.

He couldn’t make the pain stop any other way, so he jumped.

She buys all that stuff for the rush of feel-good chemicals.

He buys all that makeup because he thinks he’s ugly.

She won’t marry him because she thinks she’s too fat to be loved.

 

I hear all the time that my parents’ generation has a hard time believing in things like anxiety, depression, mood disorders of all sorts, and suicide rates.

I’m not here to figure out why suicide and depression and things of the like are on the rise. I’m not here to argue about what we need to do in order to stop them.

I’m here today to offer some insights on self-hate and what to do when you find yourself suffering from it.

 

If we are ever to stop allowing self-hate to color our daily behaviors, thoughts, motivations, etc., we first must figure out why we treat ourselves this way.

 

Why do we tell ourselves we’re fat, ugly, not tall enough, not skilled enough, that everything we’ve done is trash?

Why do we constantly talk to ourselves in our minds like we’re not worthy of love, respect, compassion, patience, etc?

 

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Our self-commentary can turn deadly. We know that.

So why do we do it?

The answers vary from person to person, year to year.

Perhaps we grew up in a not so great family situation.

Maybe the shouts of the plastic society we live in got to us.

Possibly something traumatic happened and we learned (incorrectly) that we were wrong, bad, or not enough.

There are an endless amount of variables and often times we find that there isn’t just one reason we treat ourselves so unkindly.

But we need to be willing to poke at ourselves, to peel back the painful layers of low self-esteem, low self-confidence, cruelty to self, and simple self-hatred, and pick at the reasons behind them.

If not, we’re not going to find the answers we need to move forward.

 

Now, don’t expect these answers to be logical.

More than likely, we’ll find our “why”s are emotional. Rooted in emotionally painful experiences, situations, upbringings, conditioned behaviors, and so on.

Don’t go looking for reasonable answers. Go looking for the truth.

 

I’d challenge you to write it out as you go.

Why do I treat myself this way?

Write down the reasons. Talk them out with someone you trust.

Do they seem less realistic now that you’ve shined the light of day on them?

I certainly hope so.

 

Accept that these are your reasons. That you’ve allowed these things to define you and the way you think about and talk to yourself.

You don’t have to approve of these truths.

Simply accept that they are.

 

Now congratulate yourself!

It’s insanely hard to look at these things!

But you are. You’re trying. That’s what matters, what counts.

We can’t pull out a weed and expect it to stay gone if we leave the roots.

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The Daphne Shadows Paradox

I’ve been much too hard on myself lately. And I can say that intellectually, but I’m not very good at actually acting on that truth and putting a stop to the beating up of myself. 😉

If you’re doing the same thing – realizing you’re too hard on yourself and need to change – don’t be upset with yourself over that too! Just know that you’re human and we all have things we need to work on.

My digestive disease has gotten progressively worse. I found out there was a giant chunk of information out there discovered by gut doctors who specialize in my thing. Of course, the form of the gut disease I have is the hardest to get rid of. There are two reasons my kind is caused and of course, I have the hardest reason to recover from, as well.

🙄

 

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All of the stuff I need costs loads of monies and I’m currently out of a job. Again.

I’ve tried multiple jobs and each time I end up having to quit because they make my health way worse.

Is there any better fuel for treating oneself terribly than not being able to work? Being able to provide for myself and my dog was the best feeling ever. Now that it’s gone, I find I’m worse about being kind to myself than before I’d ever worked at all.

Other than that, my restless leg syndrome has kept me from sleeping to the point that I began having hallucinations once again. Terrifying. But, at least I know I’m hallucinating.

*shrug*

The migraines, nausea, and anxiety and depression have worsened too. None of the mood stabilizers work. In fact, I never had restless leg syndrome until I took a certain mood stabilizer. I haven’t taken it in almost a year but that’s something people don’t talk about often. Mood stabilizers tear up your health – and once you get something from them, that symptom typically never goes away. Whether you stop taking it or not. I didn’t know that.

No more mood stabilizers for Daphne. Besides, they literally did nothing for my anxiety or depression. Zero change.

 

Through all of this, one of the two hardest parts is not being able to make money. I think it’s the biggest reason I’m so hurtful with myself. 

Despite all of this, I am optimistic. I have my days where it all builds up – can’t eat, starving so I eat something that hurts me, can’t sleep, can’t get rid of the pain, can’t work, can’t support myself, can’t create. My family will ask me if I’m okay and I’ll collapse into a ridiculous amount of hard crying.

Some days it’s hard not to be able to eat, sleep, or do anything but try to find a way out of this Hell. With no luck.

If I wasn’t blessed with a family that cared about me, I don’t know what I would have done by now.

 

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Not being able to create has been one of the hardest things. It’s part of who I am.

Not writing or blogging or doing videos has been so painful in a way I cannot express. And I’ve never been able to get creative in a physical way, creating things with my hands. Because I don’t have the money. And if it isn’t something requires money, I am too bogged down with focusing on trying to survive, that I simply can’t.

There’s this impossible situation I’m living inside. It lives inside of me, physically and in my mind, slinking through the halls and making certain every fiber of my being is focused on despair and failures. Until I see nothing good in myself.

 

The silly part is, I don’t let on to how terrible I feel and how extensively my health messes with me on a daily basis. It’s isolating. It’s isolated me from myself.

 

The past couple of days I’ve been trying to simply accept what’s going on. Surrender to the fact that I can’t control this. Realize I’m not a terrible person for wanting to eat a sandwich. I even want to eat healthily – just can’t digest most stuff.

But what if I stopped being cruel to myself? What if I stopped putting myself down for not getting over my health problems miraculously (gee, that sounds ridiculous now that I’m typing it up)? If I stopped hating myself for not being able to hold down a normal job because of my health?

I’ve never given up.

But some days I do give into feeling defeated and trapped. Recently those days are popping up more and more.

But I’ve never stopped trying. Never stopped searching for the next healthy thing to try.

 

I’ve sincerely had enough of this.

Why should I be angry with myself for being hungry?

I feel I’ve reached a stalemate with self-hate. I can’t quite treat myself in a positive manner but I refuse to act as if any of this is my fault or makes me a bad person, a failure, or weak.

 

I hope whatever your struggles are, knowing others are struggling too brings you some sense of ended isolation. You’re not alone. We’re all struggling with something.

I hope you know change will come. It will come whether we want it to or not. But we can help decide what change that will be.

Don’t isolate. Find friends. Go sit outside with them. Walk around your block and enjoy nature and the fresh air. Write all your feelings out. Find something fun to do and do it. Find whatever is missing in your life by trying everything that looks interesting. Find your purposes and stick to them in a joyful way.

 

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Knowing that I’m struggling isn’t the point of this.

I’ve never given myself much credit when it comes to anything, really. I know there are loads of you who do the same thing. Tearing yourselves down, only focusing on what you “get wrong” or “haven’t done”.

We have to stop doing this.

So I’m going to give myself a compliment. Online, for everyone to see. *cringe*

And I hope you’ll give yourself a compliment in the comment section of this post too.

 

Compliment to myself: Daphne, you are living with immovable objects all over in your life. Things you cannot stop. Things you cannot control. Things and situations that have never let up, not for a moment, always trying to hurt you, to stop you, to defeat you.

They’re not going to win. You’re an unstoppable force.

Fights between immovable objects and unstoppable forces never end in defeat.

I’m already winning by not giving up. Even though nothing gets better. My health only gets worse, in fact. How amazing is it that I haven’t given up? I am not prideful for seeing that.

I’m still here and trying. I haven’t given up. I’m even looking into ways to getting paid for being a creator – you know, what I’m good at and won’t worsen my health. How on earth can I see myself as weak?

Leave a compliment for YOURSELF in the comments section below, would you? You have something great inside you that can never be reached if you squash it with self-cruelty. What compliment can you give yourself?

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These Moments of Grace

I sat in the support group, glanced down at my health food store protein bar made of plant protein and zero dairy.

There was a third of it left in the wrapper.

I typically eat a large breakfast, filled with healthy fats and fiber, in a soup. It’s ultra healthy because of my digestive disease. I eat it without thinking.

This morning all I’d eaten was a small pouch of applesauce. And now two-thirds of my protein bar.

 

Sitting there, reaching out for my next bite of the protein bar… I realized I wasn’t hungry.

I was full.

I felt full.

 

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It stunned me.

I am an emotional eater.

I overeat (which, having a digestive disease, is unhealthily easy to do) and I eat the wrong (read: unhealthy) foods.

I sat there, realizing what I consistently thought of as “hunger” was an urge to fill myself up because I was so empty.

 

I already knew this. But to see the proof of it, that blew me away.

To feel the truth of it, that made me pause.

 

I’d already shared (spoken during the meeting).

I’d taken notes on what I felt and what others’ shares inspired in me. I always do this. I want to soak up, absorb, and store the truths they so easily share among the group.

 

These moments of grace. Where I am filled up with the peace I crave but don’t normally know how to gain.

These moments of grace. Where I accept that food is what I try to fill up on – when I’m not hungry. Trying to fill myself, fill myself, fill myself until finally, finally I feel something other than this terrifying numbness, this void, this empty abyss of nothingness but pain and worry, anxiety, depression, and shame.

So afraid that I won’t get enough food into me. So afraid I will remain empty. Feel nothing but a gnawing monster of never satisfied, never filled, never enough.

Never enough.

These moments of grace. When I find myself, real, solid, completely who I am. Vulnerable and alive and visceral. Safe. Filled with a peace, a harmony with who I am, that I cannot explain in words.

 

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These moments of grace where I write down, “I can choose what to fill myself with” in the little notebook I keep in my purse. In case there’s a fluttering butterfly that I need to capture with my pen, preserve in ink between the pages.

I can. That’s it. That’s the secret.

Fill myself with truth. With self-love that I can then spill over and share with others. With acceptance of what I feel, who I am, what I want, what I need, the secrets I wish to hide from myself but don’t need to. Acceptance that I am only as sick as my secrets. Acceptance that what I resist, persists.

Fill myself with creativity, nights spent typing until the clock tells me staying up any longer would cause me pain, and joy spills over onto my pillow because I never used to feel this, never used to want to be awake.

Fill myself with pillows on my bed, comfy in the middle of all these plushies, eating the words on the pages of a book I love.

Fill myself with hugs and smiles and tears and more hugs. With daydreams and nightmares, conversations, and silence.

Fill myself with the strength to poke at the things I wish I could pretend away, the situations that I wish didn’t exist. Fill myself with the knowledge that looking at and feeling that pain, those memories, these realities – it is worth it.

I can choose to fill myself with prayer and scriptures, fun and silliness. With confidence and joy. Hope and knowing that I am purposeful.

 

I have filled myself with these things long enough.

Felt them in my bones long enough. Stored them in the hollow of my rib cage long enough.

Just long enough, compared to the years of abuse and neglect, self-hate and ignorance.

But long enough.

That I wake up, flinging myself out of bed so I can get to my writing. Wishing I didn’t have to sleep because being awake and feeling this, is what I want.

I have filled myself with healthy emotions and relationships and truths. To the point that I can see how different it is from the pain. The misery. How different it is from filling myself with food. Which always causes more hurt anyway.

I have filled myself with enough moments of goodness. That now I can have these moments of grace.

Sitting there in my support group, realizing I don’t need to fill up on food. I am already full. Filled to the brim with something new. Something better. Something real.

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Don’t Forget

“All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot!”
― Dr. Seuss

 

 

We need to remember. The number one person we need to like us – is us.

We are going to be alone in our own skin quite a lot, without a distraction.

Do you like yourself?

Do you have self-compassion?

Do you respect yourself?

Trust yourself?

Hold your boundaries (part of respecting yourself)?

Are you comfortable when you’re alone in your own head?

 

Last question: Are you uncomfortable when you’re alone in your own head?

If so, you probably have an addiction of some sort so that you can keep yourself distracted OR you are highly sensitive to the possibility of becoming an addict.

 

We need to like ourselves. If not, every other thing in life is quite pointless.

Because if you hate yourself, you most likely are not living and are not loving in a healthy manner.