Stream of Consciousness

Getting Back to Normal… But I Feel Off

Hi.

Okay, so, I’m still alive.

I was gone there for quite a bit. And I didn’t like it.

It’s funny to me how different social media outlets affect me differently.

Leaving Twitter? 90% didn’t bother me. There were a few people I missed keeping up with but all the political and bullying and drama garbage was not something I missed. Overall though, the good I find on Twitter outweighs the bad (because what you search for, you will find. and i search for awesome, kind people) and so I’m back now that I’m feeling better.

Leaving blogging? 80% didn’t like. I missed expressing myself creatively, which always clears up for me what I’m feeling. I seem to struggle with knowing who I am and what I feel, a lot, so creative expression is important for me. And that’s what blogging has morphed into for me. Not to mention keeping up with awesome peoples who I’ve connected with here.

Leaving YouTube? 80% didn’t like. So, doing YouTube videos is by far the hardest, most in depth, time taking, and money using endeavor I do. It takes a lot. And for a while, it was nice not having to get everything set up and put together and pray that my neighbors wouldn’t start being noisy.

Doing videos has actually become kind of stressful. It’s hard to spend the time in half of a bedroom setting a whole bunch of equipment up, while not tripping over cords or waking anyone up. And then hoping that all my neighbors will be silents. Not to mention hoping I got enough sleep to be alive enough to record early enough.

So I was surprised I missed doing videos so much. I really do enjoy creating ASMR videos and it frustrates me to find that the things I can’t control (noise, nowhere to film, not having a set place to film where my setup can remain, etc.) really mess with my enjoyment of it.

I mean, that’s not even talking about all the daily stuff I wanted to do that I had to leave sitting on the back burner.

Because I was in bed.

Or on the couch.

Doing nothing except being sick and wishing I felt better.

 

And getting back to things? Is odd. I feel frustrated, agitated. Like my day can’t line up smooth. I’m all out of sorts and on edge and unsure of what’s so off.

I filmed a video today and I didn’t really enjoy it. It was just me catching up with all my YouTube viewers and I just felt off. I sit here typing as its uploading as a solidified, edited video and I don’t know if I like it.

I just feel… out of sync. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

What do you do when you feel like this?

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Stream of Consciousness

State of Shadowy Affairs

I deleted my Instagram account.

I’ve been spreading myself too thin. With my blog, twitter, my ASMR YouTube channel, new YouTube channel, writing my novel, writing bedtime stories for my ASMR channel, working, handling my increasingly messed up health, and then – you know, life….

Too much.

I don’t like repeating myself across social media platforms because I feel like that’s fake or pointless. I like to share honestly regardless of where I’m at. And finding a way to be me across that many platforms is not doable for me. It’s made it hard for me to post at all, anywhere. Especially since no one site will show a true depiction of all of me, considering I don’t want to be repetitive.

So I cut down and thought I’d take the moment to share what I’m up to…

 

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This Blog

I don’t spend enough time here. I haven’t gotten to do any fun research posts lately because I’m so spread thin.

Gonna have to fix that!

Plus you guys kinda have no clue what’s going on in my life lately. Since this is my blog and all about human connection, that doesn’t really make sense to me. So I’m going to have to remedy that too.

 

ASMR YouTube Channel

I posted my first ASMR video on January 18th, 2019. For those of you scratching your head and wondering what on earth ASMR is….

ASMR is weird. Flat out strange. I do ASMR and I love it but I recognize that it’s legit so weird! It is a bunch of people doing weird things, using odd objects to make sounds on and around microphones.

ASMR stands for “autonomous sensory meridian response”. Think ocean waves, the sound of someone’s soothing voice lulling you to sleep, a subtle and calming white noise, or birds chirping off in the distance. ASMR is like the satisfaction of having your hairdresser massage your scalp or playing with a Zen garden. The “happy little trees” painter Bob Ross is often considered ASMR.

Some people experience a pleasant tingling sensation in their scalp, neck, and down their spine. (That’s why a lot of ASMR videos talk about “tingles”.) Others don’t. Some people just find it highly relaxing or use it as background noise to help them focus. Different people like different sounds and/or visuals. You will often hear these referred to as “triggers”.

You can find my ASMR channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTsKcCRmmrImwt8soT1SRFg?view_as=public

 

New YouTube Channel

I started this channel and actually started using it, like, last week. The point is to talk about things, whatever things I feel like talking about. It’s going to be busting with loads of different types of stuffs.

Sometimes I just want to talk to you guys in a video.

You can find this new channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTC53mhzwfRmk5WY1O2p0fA

 

Twitter

I haven’t been on twitter in eons. I really want to get on there and be me way more often. I don’t know why, but I tend to be hesitant to say what I’m thinking 100% on there. I think it might be because of how political it can be, and that’s not my thing. But it does seem to get people in a defensive, angry way of communicating and I don’t want to deal with drama.

But whatever. I need to learn to be me and not worry if anyone has a problem with it.

My twitter handle is: @DaphneShadows

 

Bedtime Stories on ASMR

On my ASMR YouTube channel, I’ve started doing something new. I’m going to make bedtime stories and whisper them or speak softly to tell them.

Doing them for ASMR presents quite the challenge but also an interesting bucket of possibilities. It’s not exactly the same as writing a novel because the language has to be more flowery and repetitive for ASMR and the story doesn’t have to be as strictly structured or paced. So it’s an odd change to make. But fun, so far.

Here is my first video:

I’m also working on a second bedtime story with a different feel to it, while working on chapter two of the above story.

 

My Novel

I haven’t worked on my novel in a month now. Everything has stopped moving in my life because my health has gone downhill and I’ve been in too much physical pain to focus on anything. I’ve literally lived on my couch, crying and trying to breathe.

I really want to get back to my novel. I’ve plotted the basic timeline of the story out and written the first two chapters, getting myself up to a word count of over 13,000 words. (A normal novel of my genre is 80,000 to 100,000 words.)

And I want to share some tidbits about my story with you. *evil smile*

 

Work

Do you remember when I was terrified I’d never have a job I liked and be able to hold it down with my health?

I now work 5 hours a day, Monday through Friday, 25 hours a week as an office manager for a technology company – and I love it. I get along with all my coworkers and both bosses (what are the odds, right?) and I enjoy my work. I get to organize things all day. It’s perfect!

I started on March 26th, 2019.

 

Life

I’m all jacked up! And it would take quite a while to catch you up. So let’s not spend the rest of this post yammering on. I’ll get to me in the future.

 

How are you doing?

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Stream of Consciousness

The Rise

I’m tired of making sense. It’s like I’ve got to stretch to fit and it’s not working. Life doesn’t always make sense. Why should I bend over backwards, crane my neck, and break blood vessels in my eyes just to make it all appear flawless and put together? Nothing is perfect or flawless. I was right when I began; I can take all of this. Only, my definition of “this” has changed. I can take whatever I need to. And I realize what I need isn’t the world spinning. To let go is to cry from my lungs, to let my soul shiver in the darkness, the cold that seeped in. To let go is to warm with the silence seeping from inside me until I can feel it, wiping away the pain.

I said something on twitter the other day that didn’t make sense. I do that. I speak sometimes without understanding myself, where it came from, this nonsense. What I think is really happening is I’m escaping through fissures. I’m breaking and its saving my life.

“Something witty. Something lovely. Something inspiring. I don’t know. I know the silence hiding within, trying to pour out into my skin.”

“When the silence spills into my lungs, I think it’s time to hear it.”

Stream of Consciousness

I’M BACK! (Hotel Hell #5)

I… am….. ALIVE!!

No. I did not die.

I know you probably wondered if I got run over by a bus, drug through the desert and eaten by carrion, but I assure you, I did not.

The last time I had access to internet was on April 3rd. My laptop died. Every attempt at resuscitation failed. Epically… obviously. The library computers were shut down. Then they wouldn’t load anything. No one lives close to us whose computer will load things like WordPress or yahoo. I WAS DYING!!!!! Writer with no internet here!

R.I.P.

R.I.P.

 

 

I got a laptop as a surprise on August 10th. WOOHOOO! So…. You’ve missed a lot and not all of it was good. But that’s okay, I’m not dead – I’m stronger, better off for it. But 5 months is a long time when it comes to 1 blog post. It will definitely take more than one post to get it all out. Here goes…

 

First things first, multiple files on my flashdrive were corrupted. I plugged in my backup flashdrive to save what I could and the corrupted files transferred to the backup flashdrive! So I yanked the first one, wiped it, and plugged in the second one, and wiped the bad files. All in all, I lost three folders – my blog folder, my photo folder, and my critique folder.

Let me translate this: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost all my photos I’d taken in the past 8 months. And I’d lost all the critiques I’d done. One in particular irks me beyond words. I’d promised this individual to read and critique his MS two times prior and couldn’t. This time, I’d read it, loved it, critiqued as I went, and wrote up my end thoughts and opinion. And it’s GONE!

I lost all the posts I’d written. That means, February, March, and April’s Hotel Hell posts? Gone.

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Flashdrive with corrupted files…NOT good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because of this, this post is probably out of order in a few places.

 

– I read “On Writing” by Stephen King finally! I’ve been waiting for a year to get a hold of a copy and I loved it! Definitely helped me on multiple points. Maybe I’ll do up a post on it. Maybe.

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– We got an air conditioner for our room! Now we’re not melting. Woohoo!

– The manager gave us adorable blinds! She’s just that cool.

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– Holly pulled the ligaments in her thumb.

– We got shelves to put all our stuff on, instead of piling it all on the ground.

– Holly got a plant. It died. She got another one, and named her Viper, the spider plant. Viper is doing very well.

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– The last day of school for my mallow minions (aka my sister, Holly and my brother, Dylan) (and yes they like and approve of this nickname) was May 24th. Summer Break began…..

– The first month of their summer break I was extremely boring. Why? I had an intestinal virus for four weeks. That’s four weeks of extreme abdominal pain, nausea, and dizziness. NOT. FUN.

– Dylan’s birthday was July 15th. He turned 11 years old.

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– I’ve read lots of books by new authors and some in different genres. And guess what? I’m more picky than I originally thought I was! But that’s okay. The books I don’t like, I’ve taken back to the book exchange. So even if I don’t like them, it wasn’t a complete loss.

– Dylan got a ficus trees.

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– Mom’s birthday is August 11th – today! Happy birthday momma. 😀

– My mallows wounded themselves while creating art. Beauty hurts, they agree.

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– I have been informed (by Holly) that it is mandatory I tell you of her obsession with the Maximum Ride Series by James Patterson as of late. She loves it but is very unhappy with how the series ended.

– I got a baby jade plant, named her Moira, after the collective 3 Greek Fates. She needs to be replanted, she’s not actually in the pot here, but in a smaller planter leaning inside the one you can see.

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– Lucky tried eating Holly’s cupcake pillow.

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– Oh, and our fridge door fell off.

 

On a more serious note, we’re still living in the hotel, but we almost ended up on the street three times. Each time we were saved by positive attitudes, a lot of hope and work, and kindness. There’s been an abundance of drama and emotional angst. As a result, my writing hasn’t moved forward much. Not to mention the two months of summer break, in which – I have siblings, so I need to pay attention to them and not sit in a corner and type – we did many things together daily.

You already know I finished my rough draft of HUMAN OR HIDDEN. I’ve finished critiquing the first 8 chapters of it so far, I’m about ¼ of the way through, being on about page 100 of about 400. Then I need to go through and fix all the things I’ll find while critiquing. Then I can send it out to be critiqued, which I’m totally excited for!

I’m excited to get back to writing. I’ve missed it. A lot.

I’ve missed logging onto Twitter and being inspired by everyone’s tweets! I’ve missed reading your blogs and talking to you! I missed your opinions on my blog posts! I’ve missed you all so much.

 

So what have I missed in the past 5 months?

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